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Chris LoCurto

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September 30, 2013

4 Ways To Help You Let Go

September 30, 2013 | By | 33 Comments">33 Comments

For many people, letting go of hurt, anger, pride, and the past is more difficult than watching Gigli. While others are able to shake bad things off, or look at everything with a fantastically positive attitude, most people struggle to just let go.

Chris LoCurto, Leadership, Business, Strategic Planning, LifePlan, #CLoTribe

Hanging on to a resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. Click to Tweet

And when you see someone who seems to be mad or negative about everything, it’s usually not everything they’re mad about. It’s from something much deeper that’s been buried inside for a long time.

Over a third of the leaders and entrepreneurs that I coach, have connected some of the issues in their business with something that happened in their childhood or relationship, or lack there of, with their father.

When leading people through LifePlan, I spend time working through the big turns in someone’s life, not the big crazy experiences, to discover why they are where they are and why they make the decisions they make. Having this information is the beginning of what I use to lead them to the life they actually want.

In all situations, letting go becomes key. Now, as I say that, there are a ton of friends or spouses out there that always say, “I told you that you needed to do that”. Here is what I can promise you – it doesn’t matter how many times you tell someone what’s wrong with them, or what they need to do, if they don’t ever get to the root of the issue, they’ll never be able to “let go.”

Obviously I can’t go through two days worth of info in this post, but here are some things you can do right now to help you let go:

  • Hurt people, hurt people. – You have to understand that people, by their very nature, don’t just enjoy hurting others. Instead, if someone is causing another person pain, and it seems even remotely intentional, it’s because there is something deep inside that’s causing them to hurt. If that’s you, recognize that if most of the people you come across are asking you to move out of the state because you’re a jerk, then you might be reacting from deep hurt. Focus on letting your reactions be from any love in your heart that you can muster.
  • You are good enough! – Just about half of the people I coach struggle from some form of not feeling good enough. The crazy thing is, most of them don’t even know it. There are so many influences in your life that help you to feel like you can’t achieve enough, succeed enough, be pretty enough, and ultimately be good enough. It is vitally important for you to enjoy ANY life that you have left, to discover that you ARE good enough. If there is a single person in your life trying to convince you that you aren’t, KICK THEIR BUTTS OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!! Never again allow someone to treat you as though you aren’t good enough!
  • Are you bitter, or are you better? – One day I was talking with a friend of mine, Mike Hardwick, when he shared with me a life rule that his dad, Pastor Hardwick, used to share with him and his brother Steve. He would share with the boys about a situation that someone went through, and then ask them, “Boys, did that person get better, or get bitter?” That lesson has helped two great men who have gone through a lot to be better in spite of everything. It’s your choice which way you end up. But my prayer is that you choose to be better.
  • Everything happens for a reason. – I believe that everything crosses God’s desk first. I have spent my life helping God’s children. It’s probably my greatest passion. In my own LifePlan I was struggling asking God, “Why is it that I have dedicated my life to helping your children, and yet I have a life that has been full of heartache and issues?!” While I was crying out, I felt like God said that He’s allowed me to go through what I have because He knew I would be strong enough to take it, and that I would use it to bless His children. I have to say it was a bittersweet and comforting moment. Funny thing is, He didn’t say the hard times were over yet. If you feel that bad things happen for no reason at all, then you’ll spend a life time not growing. Take every bad situation and seek to find the blessing, no matter how difficult it is to do.

Again, this is just a glimpse into what we do with Coaching and LifePlan, but hopefully this helps you today to let go.

Question: What ways have you learned to help you let go?

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  • http://www.nateanglin.com/ Anwell Steve

    Well, I always believe that the best thing of letting go with hurt, anger, pride or whatever negativity that comes into your mind is by accepting the fact that things just happened and you can never get it back. The best thing is to move on and make a better life.

  • http://www.michaelfokken.com/ MICHAEL FōKKEN

    “everything crosses God’s desk first.”

    Awesome! Like Job in the Bible.

  • http://www.tammyhelfrich.com/ Tammy Helfrich

    Great post.

  • Sherry Carver

    One thing I have changed in my own life is to surround myself with people who have a positive outlook on circumstances and bad choices. I realized that being a cheerleader in high school trained me to always cheer for everyone in life. My new business venture is the culmination of all of the life experiences that were great and all those that seemed unfair. I was drawn to your great spirit by listening to your questions and your voice on Dave Ramsey’s EntreLeadership podcast.

    It is fun to watch you progress in your own venture. I retain something valuable every time I read your blog or listen to your new podcasts. Thank You Chris

  • Steve Pate

    My first thought that came to me after reading your question would be, “know the other side of the story before I let these “feelings” take over.”

    I tend to process to fast and come up with the “why” before I hear the whole truth. Even when it hurts it helps to hear the other side of the story and like Justin said below, Forgiveness is a choice, and when that choice it given, your released too. Thanks Chris, great post!

    • http://ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      I think most conflict could be resolved if we did exactly that!

  • http://JonDHarrison.com/ Jon D Harrison

    Another homerun, Chris.

    Hurt people, hurt people reminds me of the pain-aggression relationship seen in the “interesting” study: BITING ATTACK BY RATS IN RESPONSE TO AVERSIVE SHOCK (yes, I’m a high “C”).
    In this study, and others, when rats were subjected to electric shock (pain) they would lash out a bite almost anything: metal, wood, other animals, even larger animals like dogs.

    Now I strongly believe that humans are not just animals, but you can draw some interesting understanding from the outcome. Here’s one example if you want to read some more:
    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1338539/pdf/jeabehav00153-0133.pdf

    • http://ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      So what you’re saying is I should stop walking around zapping people? ;-)

      Thanks Jon!

  • https://kylemusser.co/ Kyle Musser

    Great post @ChrisLoCurto:disqus! Love the 4 breakout thoughts. Especially the “I’m not good enough” mentality. I find this rampant in our society when consulting with people all across the country.

    Whatever reasons are behind this sad happening, helping people to realize that they do have unique abilities, talents, passions & gifts can really open someones’ life up to what is possible. Having access to great mentorship such as your blog & podcasts, other virtual mentors and in my case thought leadership from my business mentors (lifeleadership.co), it can really help someone to make a 360 degree turn in their life.

    One of the best books I’ve read to help me expand my thinking is “Magic of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz. (http://www.life-leadership-home.com/en-us/shopping.aspx?Search=magic+of+thinking+big). I read this when I was 19 & really helped to flip a switch in my thinking & mentality toward both business & life. Call it the art of the possibility thinking or vision casting, it is definitely a skill that must be continually practiced & honed. :)

    Have a great week everyone & thanks for sharing Chris!

    • http://ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Thank you Kyle!

  • Ken Trupke

    You’re phase “relationship, or lack thereof, with their father” caught my attention. Father/son stuff is definitely tricky – as EVERY son and father of sons knows.

    Also, check out “One Good Dog” by Susan Wilson, which covers a lot of ground about the damage caused by past hurts and finding healing.

    • http://ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      It’s something I feel God has been intentional about sending people with bad father and mother relationships to me for healing. It’s pretty awesome.

  • http://www.qualitylivingmadesimple.com/ Joshua Rivers

    You are a result of your choices, not your circumstances.

    It is easy to feel like you are a victim to whatever comes your way. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It is only like that if you let it.

    I love the suggestions you give, Chris. I’d like to add one more:

    Get some sleep.

    When you are tired, everything seems worse than it really it. Your inhibitions are lowered. Your brain (and body) is running on less efficiency than it could or should be.

    What does this mean? You tend to make poor choices. You tend to get more frustrated. You tend to hang onto grudges more. Your attitude starts to stink.

    It is easier to let go and move on if you let yourself get some more sleep. And, even with as much as Chris promotes it, coffee is not a replacement sleep – on a regular basis, anyway :)

    • Steve Pate

      Yes get some sleep and I would add eat some food too! Great response Josh

    • http://ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Completely agree! Less sleep = more emotional mess. I also tell people in LifePlan, “We’re not making any victims or monsters in here!”

      Good stuff brother!

    • http://jorgesilvestrini.com/ Jorge Silvestrini

      YES! Thanks for your response… Love your suggestion as well Joshua.

  • http://www.lilykreitinger.com/ Lily Kreitinger

    I love all these principles! My favorite is “hurt people hurt people”. Everyone has a story. And 99% of those stories involve pain and suffering. My husband and I present a series for married and engaged couples on how to pray together. The last session is extremely powerful because we guide them through a deep forgiveness prayer. We walk through looking at our mother, our father, our spouse and ourselves and understanding that each one of us has been hurt and have hurt others as a result. Then we share this prayer “You don’t owe me anything anymore” This gives us the freedom to “let go of that person’s throat”. Thanks for helping us remember how important it is to let resentment go.

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Wow! Great prayer Lil.

  • justinrdr

    I like to say, “Forgiveness is a choice, even if you don’t feel like it!” The feeling comes later.

    It’s never worth it to have bitterness! It keeps you from relationship and love, which are the foundations of life!

    Thanks for the encouragement, Chris!

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Thank YOU Justin!

  • http://www.softskillsforhardjobs.com/ Jim Ryan

    Great post Chris! The one the resonates with me is “Your good enough!”. Recently I was reading me DiSC profile again and it pointed out that High D’s are never really happy with “Good Enough”. It was helpful to know that it was part of my personality and I should recognize that critic in my head.
    I’m trying to practice compassion with my critic, telling him thanks for pointing where I could do a better job, but I’m OK where I am right now.

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      You absolutely are Jim!

  • http://jimwoodswrites.com/ Jim Woods

    Every single time I choose to learn “what not to do” over being hurt or resentful I come away a better person. Then I’m able to serve others better. The majority of the time, people do not intentionally hurt others. Many times it is personality differences, communication styles, or just having different goals.

    Chris, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and most importantly your heart here.

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      That choice has helped me a ton in life!

  • http://www.pauljolicoeur.com/ Paul Jolicoeur

    Great stuff Chris! I have found that putting things into perspective always help. When I can attempt to put something against the next 10 years of my life or eternity, I can begin to see how small it looks.

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      I love it! I don’t think most people understand the absolute importance of perspective.

      • KTEWSON

        Agree. At least not till they actually try it and see that the changed perspective really does something supernatural. Many times, a changed perspective reveals a fresh, renewed realization that we are blessed and loved so much by our Heavenly Father. (Bringing us more joy and contentment AFTER we were hurt than we even had BEFORE we were hurt.)

  • http://www.davebratcher.com/ Dave Bratcher

    Excellent post Chris. I know my experience of losing my job in 2011 will be with me forever. Of course, I wish it had not happened, but it did. With the support of my wife and those around me, I can now look at it as a blessing. I can also see how this moment in my past has helped to shape my future as I am growing my blog, expanding my professional speaking, coaching others, and writing my first book. The way I learned to let go was by seeing what the future had and not being handcuffed to the past!

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Amen Dave! If we don’t grow from the past, we relive it in the future. Great stuff!

  • Ernie Tibbetts

    Great insights

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      Thank you!

  • Shannon

    Insightful, thank you.

    • http://www.ChrisLoCurto.com Chris LoCurto

      My pleasure!