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Boundaries

Chris LoCurto

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March 21, 2017

How To Deal With A Passive Aggressive Leader, and Stop People Pleasing

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How To Deal With A Passive Aggressive Leader, and Stop People Pleasing.

On today’s show, we are taking questions from our listeners on how to deal with a passive aggressive leader, and people pleasing.

Passive aggressive behavior is the opposite of gaining perspective, and having healthy, upfront communication.

When you’re dealing with passive aggressive people…

The key is why. Why are they being passive aggressive? There is something going on with that person, something they’re experiencing. Maybe they’re struggling with something involving you!!

Here’s what you can do if you’re on the receiving end, or feeling passive aggressive. Listen here:

  • Why people are passive aggressive [4:25]
  • How to have the conversation [6:00]
  • How to prevent passive aggressive conflict [9:00]
  • What personality styles have to do with conflict [13:00]

On our second listener question, I answer how to stop people pleasing, and what it has to do with your Root System. Our caller asks how to stop people pleasing, and his breakthrough from 10 Signs You’re A People Pleaser.

Here’s what you’ll discover:

  • The steps to take to create healthy relationships [20:45]
  • Signs you’re a people pleaser [20:10]
  • Difference between walls and boundaries [23:20]

Question: How have you dealt with a passive aggressive leader, or learned to stop people pleasing?

Clarity creates unity

Resources:

if you’re ready to go from stress, failure, and lack of confidence in your leadership, to team unity, focus, and successful growth in your business, register for the Next-Level Leadership LIVE Event right now! 

I don’t want you to wait and say, “oh I’ll register later,” because if you wait, you’re going to pay more money. We’re still in the early bird phase, but it’s only going to be for one, more, week. Early Bird ends March 28th at midnight! SO, go ahead, go over to chrislocurto.com, click on the homepage banner, GET registered, and I’ll look forward to seeing you in Nashville at Next-Level Leadership LIVE Event. Get my tickets!

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Chris LoCurto

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March 8, 2017

How Feeling Responsible for Other’s Emotions Sabotages You and How Not To

feeling responsible for others emotions, self sabotage

Do you ever struggle with feeling responsible for how someone else feels about you or some situation  in their life?

If you have, you know the struggle of figuring out how to help them, if you even should help, and fear of guilt or feeling selfish if you don’t help, and the weight of taking on their emotions.

All of these responses come from your Root System.

The way to think about Root System is that you are the sum of what’s happened in your past and the influence you’ve allowed in.

We go super deep into this in 1-on-1 Next-Level Life events to help you understand how and why you respond and make the choices you make.

What I see a ton of with people who struggle with feeling responsible for other’s emotions is they come in struggling with depression, anxiety, guilt, or overwhelm, or all of these.

And time and time again, I discover they grew up with a parent who trained them to feel responsible for the parent’s emotions.

And the parent does that because of what’s in their Root System, most likely from their parents.

The training shows up in comments like “You make me feel like…” and others.

This isn’t truth; it’s control. And it comes from toxic parts of that person’s Root System.

As children, we get nearly all of our self-worth from our parents, which compounds their influence on us.

Until we’re taught about Root System, we (especially as children) don’t stop and think, “Why is my parent influencing me to feel responsible for them? Why are they guilting me? Oh yeah! It’s because they have a Root System! Ah ha! Well, I won’t allow them to impact me this way now.”

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That kind of thinking simply doesn’t exist, so we allow the influence in, and it shapes the way we think and respond to other people in our life years down the road.

This can lead to anxiety and depression that’s paralyzing. The truth is you are not responsible for other’s emotions.

Here are 5 steps to stop feeling responsible for other’s emotions.

1. Stop seeking self-worth from people

Part of feeling responsible for other’s emotions is seeking self-worth from people. If you weren’t getting any self-worth from them, you wouldn’t be negatively impacted by guilt, feeling selfish if you don’t help, or their attempt to control you.

Imagine being in a place emotionally where their attempt to control or guilt you had no effect?

Where your self-worth comes from is key to getting to that place. My vote is always to get your self-worth from God. He’s the only worth-well that’s constantly full.

2. Learn to recognize toxic behavior

When you’re able to see someone’s attempt to control or guilt you, you can work to not allow it impact you.

3. Put a healthy boundary in place

Healthy boundaries are boundaries another person can’t crash over. The goal of a healthy boundary is to protect you from toxicity.

This step is usually the hardest to put in place because you have to, as we say, “go against your Root System”, and overcome your training to fear conflict, feel guilty or selfish, or feel like you’re hurting the other person by putting a healthy boundary in place.

But it’s an essential step.

4. Stop trying to help them

This usually shows up in giving them advice and “fixes”. You may have noticed your well-intentioned advice isn’t taken, and the actions you take to help them are never enough.

And you’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and feeling horrible about yourself.

That’s because the person who struggles with control doesn’t truly want your advice or help, or for you to solve their problem.

Instead, part of your healthy boundary is to listen, ask questions, and not offer advice. If they want to change or solve it, let them own that and do the work.

5. Remember your emotional health matters, too

It’s easy in relationships, especially with people who influence you to feel responsible for their emotions, to prioritize their well-being above your own.

When you factor in everything you’ve read above, I hope you see that’s an endless self-sabotaging cycle, and you will end up worse off.

Question: Have you put any of these steps, or others, to work in your life? How did it work out?

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Chris LoCurto

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March 2, 2017

5 Steps To Overcome Guardedness and Live More Authentically

how to not be guarded, live authentically, authenticity

Are you fully open or vulnerable with your family or friends?

If you’re not, guess what? You’re pretty darn normal, and there are reasons for that.

But have you ever worked on figuring out why you’re not more open, and what holds you back?

Oftentimes, people blame the other person in the relationship.

Perhaps you’ve thought or said something like…

“I’d be more open, if they’d be.”

“If they treated me better, I’d open up.”

“Anytime I try to be open, they respond in a way I don’t like…they try to fix it, tell me to get over it, or I end up hurt.”

If you’re guilty of any of these, brace yourself because here comes the painful part.

Do you see how there’s no personal ownership or responsibility in any of these statements?

When we take a victim stance or blame someone else, we eliminate any chance of changing the situation, and we stay stuck in it.

We put it all on the other person, and because we “can’t change them” or “they just won’t change,” we build up walls and become guarded to protect ourselves.

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And when we guard, other people will, too, and now we have two people cycling against each other, instead of pouring into each other.

This destroys relationships.

Here are 5 steps to overcome guardedness and live more authentically and free. 

1. Pray for God to change you, and the relationship. 

I firmly believe that God changes us from the inside out, and heals relationships, especially when we’re diligent and ask for His help.

Pray for His peace and help, and surrender it to Him.

2. Start with you.

Diligence starts with learning to be more open, and discovering all of the pieces in your Root System that are causing you to guard and protect.

This is something we go super deep into in every Next-Level Life event, and is truly the key to any type of life change that lasts.

For right now though, it’s critical to understand personal responsibility is where to begin.

3.  Gain perspective from the other person to understand more. 

Ask questions to understand why they respond to you like they do, and ask questions to learn how you contribute to their guardedness.

Now here’s the thing. It’s super important to not be defensive or frustrated when they share.

Responses like these also come from your Root System, and until you’re able to overcome them, do your best to manage them.

Caution: If you’re talking to a very toxic person (i.e. controlling, abusive, very negative and judgmental), this step will be very difficult because the other person won’t be healthy enough to have a conversation like this.

If that’s the case, healthy boundaries are a must, as well as pouring into your relationship with God.

4. Be honest about how you feel. 

Right now you may be thinking, “But wait a second, Chris, this takes being vulnerable! I can’t do this step!”

You’re right, it does mean being open and vulnerable, but note that it’s not step 1 or 2.

If steps 2 and 3 go well, you’ll feel more open to share because you’ll have better perspective about why they respond like they do, and how you influence them.

Perspective provides understanding, and understanding is power.

5. Love them. 

When we understand each other better, we respond with more patience, acceptance, and grace, and judgement and frustration get sidelined.

That’s when our more authentic self comes out, and we can be more free to love well.

Love is the key. Love will end two people cycling against each other because when the other person feels loved, over time, they’ll love you better.

And when you both feel loved, unified, and trusting, you have little reason to guard and protect.

Depending on what’s going on today in your relationships, this step may feel like the last thing you want to do, but in relationships, someone must go first to change things.

Someone must lead toward healing, and remain committed to reversing the cycle of guardedness.

With God’s help, you can do this!

Question: Has guardedness held you back from having greater relationships? Comment below!

If you’d like to learn how Next-Level Life could benefit your life, click here. 

 

Chris LoCurto

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November 11, 2014

10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

November 11, 2014 | By | 24 Comments">24 Comments

10 Signs You're a people pleaser

 

Are you afraid of other peoples opinions of you? Do you always seem to attract folks who need rescuing?

Well…you just might be a people pleaser.

Quite a few people who come through Next-Level Life struggle with being a people pleaser and finding their worth in the acceptance of other people. It can control them.

When your life always revolves around being a people pleaser, you actually end up losing life.

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It robs you of your authentic self, and it all comes from a person’s Root System.

The way to think about Root System is that we’re all the sum of what’s happened in the past, and the influence we’ve allowed in, and that’s from where we make every decision…like people pleasing.

In this episode of The Chris LoCurto Show, I discuss 10 signs you may be a people pleaser.

Here’s a breakdown of the 10 signs:

1. You end up doing things for others in hopes that they will do things for you.
2. You become frustrated when people don’t love you back.
3. You’re guarded and you don’t let people in so that you don’t get hurt.
4. You’re always afraid of other people’s opinions of you.
5. You feel you are worth less than other people.
6. You attract takers and people who always need to be rescued.
7. You always apologize for things that you do. You blame yourself.
8. You become a victim of constructive criticism.
9. You neglect you.
10. You let opportunities and life pass you by.

If that list sounds a lot like you and you found yourself saying, “That’s me!”, I encourage you to learn more about Next-Level Life.

Your worth is not dependent on someone else’s opinion of you. It’s dependent on God, and what He thinks of you matters most.

Find your significance in Him! He’s crazy about you!

Question: Without naming names, do you know someone who is a people pleaser? (Maybe yourself)  Which sign would you say is most prominent for them?

Chris LoCurto

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June 16, 2014

8 Negative People You Should Avoid

In Next-Level Life I share with people that we are the sum of our influencers and our past. Good or bad, how we’ve been influenced and how our past has impacted us, shapes our decisions to be who we are today.

Fire your friends and family, ChrisLoCurto.com

Who are we influenced by? Our Family, friends, teachers, leaders, and co-workers.

For most people, their family makes up the majority of those two areas. We would all love for our family to have an incredible, positive, and loving impact on us. Unfortunately for a lot of folks, their family has had a lasting negative impact.

Keep in mind I said for a lot of folks. Not everyone’s family has had that effect. In fact, I just had a gentleman go through Next-Level Life who had the greatest loving parents I’ve seen. So yes, there are wonderful loving families out there.

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 If you haven’t received your free copy of my new guide, Avoiding Conflict, then be sure to click here now to get it! It shows you how each of the different personality styles contribute to conflict.

I share with every Next-Level Life attendee who has had the negative impacts, we don’t make any monsters or any victims, we focus on discovering WHY. Understanding why you are where you are, and why you make the decisions you do, is the most powerful part of becoming your strongest self ever.

Until you go through Next-Level Life and discover for yourself how to best deal with any situation, you need set up healthy boundaries between you and those who are constantly bringing you down.

Do you have any of these people in your life:

  • The naysayer – This is the person who constantly says what ever you propose to do will not work. They have every reason and excuse in the book why you will fail at pretty much everything you try.
  • The know-it-all – No matter how much you know from experience, learning, or God-given wisdom, the know-it-all always makes you feel like you’re an idiot, and none of your thoughts or ideas have merit.
  • The drama queen – I do believe the old saying that misery loves company. Some will go out of their way to stir up as much drama as possible and suck others in. They tend to focus on folks whose heart cares for others, and tends to be too big to consciously protect themselves.
  • The taker – This person is always interested in what you can do for them. They are quite often a victim, and always turning the focus back on to them and what they are dealing with. If you are struggling with something, they will tend to tell you that it’s not that big of a deal, and you she see what they are having to deal with.
  • The impossible to please – Some people refuse to give a kind word to anything you do. If you have something that you are proud of, they will find 700 reasons why it’s not good enough. In turn, you hear every time that it is YOU who are not good enough.
  • The Manipulator – “I really need you to help me with…” is a common sentence used by the manipulator. They do a great job discovering who around them they can get to do things for them. If you push back, they will push harder to make you feel guilty.
  • The Judge – It is vitally important to The Judge to look good. So much so, they will do what they can to make you look less-than or insignificant. No matter what you’ve done, they’ve done it better.
  • The Self Critic – This is probably the worst negative person of all! This is the person inside of you who believes the lies that you are told, and has a tendency to tell quite a few lies to you as well. This negative person must be avoided at all costs!

The truth is we see these people in what we call friends, co-workers, leaders, etc.

Understand this – ALL people need a Next-Level Life! Everyone on the list above most likely doesn’t understand why they do what they do. Even if they have an idea, they don’t know how to deal with it. If you didn’t listen to Understanding Your Root System on the podcast, it will help to explain more.

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I’m not asking you to kick people out of your life, (although some people you might need to) I’m asking you to set healthy Boundaries and remove the authority the negative people have in your life.

Question: What advice do you have to keep negative people away?

Chris LoCurto

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April 22, 2014

Understanding Your Root System

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Understanding Your Root System, ChrisLoCurto.com

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We are all the sum of what’s happened in the past and the influence we’ve allowed in, and that’s what  called the Root System.

Your life choices, and your decision-making process comes from your Root System.

On the episode of The Chris LoCurto Show, What You Have In Common With Wine, I discussed the root system of grapes, and how a strong root system makes a great wine.

In Next-Level Life, I spend hours tying what’s happened in a person’s life to their Root System – what’s happened in their past and the influence they’ve allowed in from influencers (family, leadership, friends, etc.) to discover how and why they make decisions the way they do today.

When you understand why you make the decisions like you do, you can learn to make better decisions going forward in life.

You are the sum of your past & your influences.

Boiling it all down, so much of what we do today comes from modeling and training from key influencers like parents.

The way your parents treated you links back to the way their parents treated them, and cycles into how you treat your children or family or team today.

If abuse is in your background, either emotional or physical, a pattern forms. Chances are, if you were abused, you’ll pendulum swing to your children, and won’t discipline or will allow your children to control you.

This only perpetuates a negative cycle in your family. Healthy boundaries and healthy control are the key. Finding that center is one of the most important things you can discover.

Even the best parents (with the best intentions) might do something that came from their parents that causes bad self-perception or decision-making in you.

They might say one specific thing over and over to their child, expecting and hoping that it helps their kid to grow up well or understand, but the way they said it creates bad self-perception or decision-making in the child. How crazy is that?

When we carry over the bad processes or belief systems, we perpetuate the same Root System into our children.

Want to get to the bottom of your Root System?

Check out Next-Level Life: our 2-day, 1-on-1 event to overcome what holds you back and develop your personal plan for a stronger future.

Question: How does your Root System impact you?

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Chris LoCurto

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January 7, 2014

It’s Okay to be Selfish [Podcast]

January 7, 2014 | By | 23 Comments">23 Comments

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During LifePlan, the topic of being selfish comes up all the time and it’s always an assumed no-no. Healthy selfishness is a vital piece of living a healthy life with boundaries. If you don’t have healthy boundaries in your life, a boundary that says “stop here” or “this is my limit,” you’ll get walked all over.

If you haven’t read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, buy a copy today!

When you begin to start setting healthy boundaries at home and at work, it changes your life. Be selfish and get rid of junk so you can be the best version of yourself. Take time to unpack your past and get healthy. If you don’t get rid of the baggage in your life, you’ll continue to carry it around and pick up more along the way.

Take time to get healthy. Take time to get coached on how to do that. If you’re interested in LifePlan, check out the Work With Me page above for additional information.

Dillanos Coffee

We tasted the Sumatra blend from Dillanos Coffee Roasters today. On the next episode, we’ll be tasting the Rwanda blend. Get 15% off your coffee order by using the code “CLoTribe”

Question: What’s the most selfish thing you’ve done that’s helped you to be better?

 

Chris LoCurto

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December 3, 2013

Hurt People Hurt People [Podcast]

December 3, 2013 | By | 14 Comments">14 Comments

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! For some of you, it’s a fantastic time of year. For others (and quite possibly people on your team), this whole holiday season is difficult.

There are people around you that may be hurting right now and lashing out. In fact, you may be one of those hurt people hurting other people. You can only take responsibility for yourself but take the responsibility. Be aware of those around you and understand that especially during this time of year, emotions are high.

“When you can’t fix yourself, you’re frustrated with the broken people in your life.” (tweet this)

Subscribe to the podcast:          iTunes  Stitcher Radio  SoundCloud

If you want to dig deeper into the information I shared today, check out my 2-day coaching event on gaining perspective from your past and creating a LifePlan for your future. I also highly recommend Dr. Henry Cloud’s exceptional book:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Be sure to download the single, “Naughty List,” featured at the end of today’s podcast! Our very own Melissa co-wrote the song and is in a fantastic big band jazz trio called The North Pole Patrol. It’ll definitely get you in the Christmas spirit!

Question: What steps are you going to take to fix YOU?