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self-sabotage

Chris LoCurto

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March 8, 2017

How Feeling Responsible for Other’s Emotions Sabotages You and How Not To

March 8, 2017 | By | No Comments

feeling responsible for others emotions, self sabotage

Do you ever struggle with feeling responsible for how someone else feels about you or some situation  in their life?

If you have, you know the struggle of figuring out how to help them, if you even should help, and fear of guilt or feeling selfish if you don’t help, and the weight of taking on their emotions.

All of these responses come from your Root System.

The way to think about Root System is that you are the sum of what’s happened in your past and the influence you’ve allowed in.

We go super deep into this in 1-on-1 Next-Level Life events to help you understand how and why you respond and make the choices you make.

What I see a ton of with people who struggle with feeling responsible for other’s emotions is they come in struggling with depression, anxiety, guilt, or overwhelm, or all of these.

And time and time again, I discover they grew up with a parent who trained them to feel responsible for the parent’s emotions.

And the parent does that because of what’s in their Root System, most likely from their parents.

The training shows up in comments like “You make me feel like…” and others.

This isn’t truth; it’s control. And it comes from toxic parts of that person’s Root System.

As children, we get nearly all of our self-worth from our parents, which compounds their influence on us.

Until we’re taught about Root System, we (especially as children) don’t stop and think, “Why is my parent influencing me to feel responsible for them? Why are they guilting me? Oh yeah! It’s because they have a Root System! Ah ha! Well, I won’t allow them to impact me this way now.”

next-level life, create a plan for your life

That kind of thinking simply doesn’t exist, so we allow the influence in, and it shapes the way we think and respond to other people in our life years down the road.

This can lead to anxiety and depression that’s paralyzing. The truth is you are not responsible for other’s emotions.

Here are 5 steps to stop feeling responsible for other’s emotions.

1. Stop seeking self-worth from people

Part of feeling responsible for other’s emotions is seeking self-worth from people. If you weren’t getting any self-worth from them, you wouldn’t be negatively impacted by guilt, feeling selfish if you don’t help, or their attempt to control you.

Imagine being in a place emotionally where their attempt to control or guilt you had no effect?

Where your self-worth comes from is key to getting to that place. My vote is always to get your self-worth from God. He’s the only worth-well that’s constantly full.

2. Learn to recognize toxic behavior

When you’re able to see someone’s attempt to control or guilt you, you can work to not allow it impact you.

3. Put a healthy boundary in place

Healthy boundaries are boundaries another person can’t crash over. The goal of a healthy boundary is to protect you from toxicity.

This step is usually the hardest to put in place because you have to, as we say, “go against your Root System”, and overcome your training to fear conflict, feel guilty or selfish, or feel like you’re hurting the other person by putting a healthy boundary in place.

But it’s an essential step.

4. Stop trying to help them

This usually shows up in giving them advice and “fixes”. You may have noticed your well-intentioned advice isn’t taken, and the actions you take to help them are never enough.

And you’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and feeling horrible about yourself.

That’s because the person who struggles with control doesn’t truly want your advice or help, or for you to solve their problem.

Instead, part of your healthy boundary is to listen, ask questions, and not offer advice. If they want to change or solve it, let them own that and do the work.

5. Remember your emotional health matters, too

It’s easy in relationships, especially with people who influence you to feel responsible for their emotions, to prioritize their well-being above your own.

When you factor in everything you’ve read above, I hope you see that’s an endless self-sabotaging cycle, and you will end up worse off.

Question: Have you put any of these steps, or others, to work in your life? How did it work out?

next-level life, create a plan for your life

Chris LoCurto

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April 5, 2016

How To Move Forward When You Feel Stuck

April 5, 2016 | By | No Comments

how to move forward

 

I am all about solving problems, fixing things, getting my hands dirty, and discovering the why behind the what…but what do you do when you feel stuck?

Today on the podcast, we hear from Jill, who is struggling with just that.

“Hi Chris, my name is Jill, I’m 45, I am not married, never married, no kids and have found myself in a situation where I am not working, I’ve been looking for a job since November, I moved across the country two years ago and still am not connected at all.  

I did that because I felt that’s what the Lord was asking me to do, but I know that I’m extremely closed down and I have a business, I’m an AdvoCare independent distributor, have been since 2002 and can’t seem to get myself to do that business and it’s all about not having a belief in myself. 

I hear on your podcasts about life plan and agree that that’s exactly what I need to do but I found myself having zero money, no ability to get to it and honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I‘m extremely unhappy and that’s not the kind of person I am, so any hope as far as advice or action plan would be very, very welcome.

Thanks Chris, I love everything you do.”

Wow! I know that there are a lot of people right now that can relate to Jill’s question.

Listen in to hear how to move forward. Here’s what I unpack:

  • The God Factor – It’s in God that we get the answers and the direction.
  • Isolation – it is amazing what happens when you are isolated and you’re left to your own thoughts which tend to contain some level of lies or some broken belief systems.
  • Community – There are 2 aspects to community. Having it, having people around you to keep you from being isolated in your own thoughts. It’s also a community of people that are sharing the same experience. When you have that community of people sharing the same experience, growth happens.
  • Understand Your Root System  – When you gain perspective on your root system, you can see how and why you make decisions the way you do. You can identify what training or beliefs are there that aren’t healthy and hold you back. When you understand why you make decisions the way you do, you can change them.
  • Depression – Do the things that refuels you, whatever that is.
  • Diet & Exercise – Get sugar as far away from you as you can, and get your body moving!
QUESTION: In what ways have you been able to get “unstuck”?
Links Mentioned In The Show: