You’ve probably heard us talk about setting others for success. It’s one of our core pursuits here. In fact, we just did a whole show on this a few weeks back, episode no. 504.
Well, there’s a flip side to all of that: it’s when we throw obstacles in another person’s way.
The sad thing is that most of us have probably done this at some point in our lives, and we’ve likely had it done to us as well. It sucks and it’s becoming more common all the time!
Setting someone’s reality is a divisive way to trip others up and make them stumble.
Another hot topic nowadays is gaslighting. That’s manipulating someone in order to make them question their own perspective or reality. And that’s really close to setting someone’s reality.
Folks typically do stuff like this in times of conflict with others, or when feeling out of control.
On the show today, how to keep your reality from being set by others, and maybe even more importantly, how to make sure you’re not doing the same thing to other people!
Chris LoCurto 0:00
On today's show, what does it mean to set someone's reality, how to stop doing it and how to defend yourself from it that is coming up next?
Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks, I hope you're having a fabulous day, wherever you are. If you've listened to us for any length of time, then you've probably heard me talking about making others successful. In fact, we just did a whole episode on this episode 504, which was just I think, what just a couple of weeks ago. So well, there's a flip side to this, right. There's a flipside to all of making other people successful. And it's when we throw obstacles in other people's way. Now, we talk a lot about this as well, and help people to discover what happens when that's happening to you. What happens when you're the one doing it? So most of us have done this at some time in our lives, if we're being honest with ourselves, and we've likely had it done to us as well, we probably recognise when it's being done to us about 1000 times more than when we're doing it to somebody else. But still, it's it's getting pretty common. It's getting common all the time nowadays, what we call setting someone's reality is closely related to what is being called gaslighting. And I can tell you it's either way it's it's manipulation, it's it's can be verbal abuse, depending upon, you know, at what level it is. But here's the thing gaslighting is defined as manipulating someone in order to make them question their own perspective or reality. And that gets really close to today's topic. Why is this so important to talk about because I've been seeing this a tonne lately, where we're using this term gaslighting gaslighting is not it's not new, that's not a new term, I'll get into that as well. But there's a side to this where I want to make sure we're understanding what it means to set somebody's reality. And again, that's what we refer to a lot on the show and next level life and, you know, straplines events, and all that kind of fun stuff. But there's some things I'm seeing lately, which is creating this gaslighting as the ability to be a victim. And so I want to make sure as we go through this, we're recognising the difference between the two. That's That's my caveat.
For today's show, we're going to talk through how wrong it is how bad it is, we're going to talk through all the crap side of it. And at the same time, I want to make sure that we keep the caveat in there that just because this is happening doesn't mean that you're a victim to it, right, that's there, you have choices. So the thing to know is that people use techniques like this during conflict, usually, always, I shouldn't say always, probably most of the time it gets used when somebody's feeling out of control. You'll see it a lot then I literally just watched some stuff recently on politicians, who, instead there's banter back and forth between these politicians, instead of it being about the topic it became about character assassination, you know, became about one person being considerably out of control. And instead of discussing the, the topic, this person just started railing on how horrible this person was, or these people were and what kind of people they were, and all these things, all this stuff about character, but nothing about the actual topics. And I gotta tell you that it's so frustrating to see that it has become normal. It's become commonplace for us to really railing somebody's character, instead of I'm not saying that, you know, do I think that the person was wrong? Absolutely. But what if they weren't? What if the character is the struggle? It still doesn't matter? Right? Because what should we really be focused on? What's the topic? If you get to a place where you can't actually defend your position, then switching to character assassination is actually showing your weakness that showing where you are? Right? It shows that you are unable to actually discuss the topics at hand. So this is something that I think is important for us to understand because what happens if that's where I go? What if you I feel out of control and don't feel like I can defend myself against a specific topic or whatever or feel the need to defend myself and can't do it. And instead of actually sticking to either the topic, or recognising that it's getting unhealthy and removing myself from the topic, what if I just go to gaslighting? Right? What if I go to setting somebody else's reality? If I do that, then that's reflecting heavily on my lack of control that I am feeling out of control. So what does setting somebody's reality look like? We're gonna get a lot into this. But if we just used some examples of, you know, if, if I was looking at somebody's Akash Alright, now let me get my brain thinking here.
If I said to somebody, Hey, you know, somebody's telling me, Hey, Chris, you did this thing over here. And I'm, instead of actually addressing the thing that happened, or even the accusation or perspective gathering, depending upon what it is, if I just Nope, that didn't happen at all? Nope, that didn't happen many times what you will find, and this comes with very controlling people, I've had this a bajillion times in my life, where if I'm addressing somebody with some healthy boundaries, of, hey, this is something that's not acceptable, the response tends to be that didn't even happen that's in your mind. You made that up. That's something that's not real. And with truly good, good, I hate to use the word experienced manipulative people, or even abusive people, they can do it so well, that it causes you to question your own reality, did that thing actually happen? Is that something that's just in my brain? Or did it actually happen? If it happened, then why are they telling me it didn't happen, right? So as we look through this, and we see responses like that, let's we're assuming that the situation did happen, then what what are we seeing what the person who's saying it didn't? They're out of control, they're trying to control the situation. And they're trying to control the person by suggesting that the person's reality is incorrect. That it is not their reality, that this is something that they are making up. Right? This is that type of reality. I had a phone call with a phone carrier recently, where they charged me an incredible amount of money from something that they were not supposed to do. And I had a phone call with them on something making sure that they didn't charge me the money. And, and as I did charge it, I called in, and I'm like, Hey, you guys charged me, this wasn't supposed to happen. And the funny thing is that the person responding kept saying, Oh, well, I'm sorry that you got misinformation? And I'm like, no, no, no, I didn't get any misinformation. The person didn't give me bad information, the information they gave me was correct. You weren't supposed to do this. Well, I'm sorry that you got misinformation. And this person said it over and over and over again, to the point that I just stopped responding to it. Because I'm like, well, for some reason, as a customer service agent, you can't seem to handle this. Right? The information wasn't incorrect, the information was correct, handle the situation. I was overcharged wasn't supposed to be charged. But what she kept doing was setting my reality that her new information was correct. And the information that I was given beforehand, was incorrect. Now, why is this a problem? Because it's actually not truth, it would be a world of difference. If I was given that information. How do I know that I wasn't given bad information? Because it's been rectified. And it's been admitted after that person. So after having talked to like six people, you know, it's very clear to five of them that this was incorrect. Right, but to one person for some strange reason. She kept feeling the need to say that the information was incorrect, instead of digging in and finding out who said it, what was said, what happened? Was the person correct all of that.
So instead, over and over and over again, I guess it just made her feel more in control on the phone call to say, I'm sorry, you got misinformation over and over and over again? Well, that's what we would call setting somebody's reality. Now, by definition for me, and again, this is just something that we call it. So we'll go with our definition. Setting somebody's reality is setting a false reality. Right? If you're wearing shorts, and I say to you, hey, you're wearing shorts, I didn't set your reality. Right? If you're being a jerk, and I say, Hey, you're being a jerk. I'm not setting your rate. ality. Now obviously, that's subjective. But still, if you're not being a jerk, if you're being super nice and yada, yada, yada, and I'm feeling out of control, and I say you're being a jerk, now I'm setting your reality, because this is something that's not actually happening.
Believe it or not, from time to time when people feel really out of control. And in a situation they will try and set our reality. I had a time years ago, where a person as we were going through something very tough and deep. turned to me and said, Stop yelling at me. And I went, I'm sorry. I'm not yelling at you. Well, you're gonna yell at me. No, I have absolutely no intention of yelling at you. Does this sound like yelling? No, but it's coming. I know you're going to do it. Now, why am I going to yell at you? I don't know. But I can feel it's coming. And that's what I said to the person. Let me ask you a question. When you were young, and you got in trouble with your dad, how would he respond? Oh, he'd rip my head off. Okay. Does the pressure of this topic right now feel like that? And you could just see this shock and surprise on his face. He was like, Oh my gosh, yes. Okay. So are you putting on me? Something that your father would have done? Oh, my gosh, yes, I am. Okay. Do you still think I'm gonna yell at you? No. Good. Now we can move forward. That is setting somebody's reality that was him setting my reality and telling me something that I was doing that just wasn't happening. And then when he realised that he said, Well, I'm that I was going to do it. When we talked through that he realised it had absolutely nothing to do with me, it had to do with the pressure of a situation that he was feeling. Or let me rephrase that he was remembering how his father would react to him. And that brought up a very quick, sharp response. As we walked through it, it became one of the most powerful pieces of his event, because he could see that that was something he was holding on to for decades. And he could see that that's how he responded to other people when he was in those situations. So super powerful, really important thing for that person to recognise. So if you want to recognise when your reality is being set, and also know how setting reality works, and how to stop doing it to others, and how to defend yourself, from people doing it, too, that's what we're going to talk about when we come back right after this, how somebody's reality gets set and how to stop doing it to others.
Speaker 2 12:42
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Alright, let's dig into how all of this stuff works. Let's discuss. Again, gaslighting, Furman. And again, the reason why I'm bringing up the term gaslighting is because this has become incredibly common lately, and many times it's being used correctly. Let me just put that out there lots of times it's being used correctly, but what I'm starting to see is the enabling of victim mentality through this term gaslighting, and guess what the term gaslighting comes from a British play in the 1930s A husband in this play, rearranged all the furniture in their home, and then denies doing so. So that he can convince his wife that she's crazy. That's gaslighting. No, I didn't do this. Yes, you did. No, I did not. You're crazy. Well, how many of us have heard somebody say that to us before? Right when we know that we're not crazy. That's where that phrase comes from. So here's what he does. He dims the gaslights in the room and in order to confuse or manipulator now we can already see that we don't want to be this kind of person. Right? So hopefully is as you're listening to this, this is something you do not aspire to be. Hopefully this is something you want to learn about and make sure that you're not doing it but also make sure that it's not happening to you or how to handle it in a healthy situation when it does happen to you. So later on, it was used in In a 1944 American film called gaslight this has had the kind of the similar plot over the last 80 years that has become popular in Psychology Journals and even put into the dictionary explaining that under this, this psychological aspect of it, right, so gaslighting is not defined and by Merriam Webster is a psychological manipulation. The objective is to make someone question their perception of reality, leading to and this is very important, sub aversive goals. All of this is just outright evil folks. But we see it play out all the time.
Now, as I'm talking about this, probably most of you are thinking about family members, people you work with people, you know, friends, somebody that this really resonates. But how many people have been seeing gaslighting happening throughout our culture like crazy? Like crazy. It is amazing. That how much you're wrong. If you push against the concept of love in any shape, or fashion or form, you're a horrible evil person. Love is love. And as long as you are okay with love being love, you're okay. Unless you love God, then you're a horrible person. If you love God, well, then you're just terrible. But if you love in a way that is defined by somebody else, which is being able to love people however you want to, and definitely going against God, well, then you're in alignment. Isn't that amazing? It's so hypocritical. And yet, how are people treated? If they focus on loving God, while you're just a horrible person? Isn't that exactly what we're talking about? Isn't that setting somebody's reality? You know, the concept of abortion of being it's my body, it's my choice. And yet, if you don't want a vaccine, you're a horrible person and should be arrested. And this is all kinds of stuff that should go through because it shouldn't be your choice. Even though it's your body. Well, wait a second. How can that be so hypocritical? How can one area be okay? It's my body, it's my choice.
But in this other area, it's not okay. Because you're a horrible person, if you don't take the vaccine, oh, but you're not a horrible person, if you murder a baby helped me to understand this, right? Over and over, we're seeing this, you're a horrible person. And I'm not getting into the political debates here. But you're a horrible person, if you want to protect the borders of this country, but you're a horrible person, if you speak out against us sending millions and billions of dollars to another country to secure their borders. The thing I'm pointing out is the hypocrisy and the gaslighting and the setting of your reality. You are terrible, when the thing that you push back on or disagree with goes against what somebody else agrees with. That is what we are seeing on an incredible scale. I mean, it's, it's amazing, right? It's amazing how bad it is getting. So it's important to know. It ain't going backwards, folks. I hate to tell you this. But sorry, Christina, you can't put that genie back in the bottle. It's just not going to happen. So as we continue to see people use this in ways to set other people's reality. Don't you think people are going to get really good at it? Don't you think people are going to start using this more and more and more because they're seeing other people do it? It's disgusting. It's evil. It's controlling, it's manipulative. It's abusive. And if we don't recognise it, we might allow it to happen to us in that crazy? So, setting somebody's reality is, is a little bit more subtle, but no less manipulative and wrong. Right. It's something that they're so close. It's let's just say essentially, it's the same thing. But we're always going to use the phrase setting someone's reality because the thing that we want you to know is that your reality has been set. It's been changed if you receive it, right if somebody gets through, so here's what we always say.
Nobody can make you feel anything. Gosh, they made me feel so guilty. They made me feel so whatever. No, nobody can make you Feel anyway, all they can do is highly suggest it to you. Right. And this is where, again, the victim mentality of people, utilising the terminology of gaslighting has really shown up that they're saying it as if people can make you feel a specific way, nobody can do that. That's why we want to use health, right, we want to use the right tools. If this is happening to us, the thing you have to understand is, since nobody can make you feel a specific way, the only way you get that way is if you receive what they are highly suggesting, if I highly suggest that the thing that you're pointing out about me is just wrong, and you made it up in your head and you're crazy. Well, if you receive that, then I've been effective. I have now really set your reality. I started with a lie, but it's now become your reality. So these are the things that we need to understand, right? And again, when people do this usually always in conflict, or almost always when they're feeling out of control. So another reason why someone might try and set someone's reality is because they want to get something that they want from the other person. Right? How many times do we not recognise that flattery is setting somebody's reality? Not always, many times somebody who's flattering, somebody can be 100% Correct. But usually, when somebody is flattering somebody they're usually embellishing. Right? So why do people flatter? Which is deceptive, which is anti biblical, right? We shouldn't be flattering somebody why? Because flattery comes with the deception of trying to get somebody to feel a specific way or you know, to get something from that person. It's completely different than complimenting somebody on something that they've done well, or something that they've done good. The intention of flattery is not a compliment. The intention of flattery is to get something from that person, even if it's just feeling good about yourself. So please understand if you're sitting there right now going Christmas crazy. That's the same thing. No, it is not. If you do a great job while we're playing horseshoes, getting a horseshoe around the post. And I say, Man, that was a great throw. Oh, that was a great throw, you got it around the post. Great job. But if I turn that around, I'm like, Man, you you're better. You're just better than everybody. I'm just amazed at watching you. You're so incredible. And the way you you know, I don't know the way you arc that throw, I don't know, this is now becoming flattery. I'm flattering you for a reason. And it may just be to try and win you over to my side. Maybe I think if I flatter you I can get you to think I'm amazing. But either way, there's a definite difference. And the key is to understand when you see the difference, one of the struggles I have is when people try to flatter me, I usually shut that down pretty darn quickly because I just It drives me nuts, right? I don't like it.
But there's nothing wrong with complimenting somebody as long as you're not, you know, again, there's no alternative motives here. Another thing is that they might be setting you reality because they want to get you to do something. Right? Sometimes they want to get something from you. Sometimes they want to do something for you. Sometimes they want to get you to do something, it could all it could all depend. But everything hinges on suggesting or convincing someone to believe something about their reality, that is not necessarily true. This is changing their perception of it. That's the goal. So understand the goal. If we understand the baseline goal, then we can understand it and recognise that a heck of a lot faster when it happens. So it's a lie that someone tells to another person in order to gain control or or even undermine them, right. So let's talk about that word, perception. You've heard this phrase before. Perception is reality. We've all heard that. Probably most of us have used that from time to time we use it a lot in leadership. You know, if you're leading somebody and the person's perception is, you know, blank. Well, then how do we make sure that they get to the right perception? Or what do we do with that information? Perception is reality. Everyone has a mental impression of the world. They live in a world of view. It's how they make sense of what's going on around them and it informs them on how to interact with that very worldview, right, the very thing that they're experiencing. So this perception influences and even defines how we see something regardless of the truth. Doesn't matter what the truth is. And this is where I want to be very clear. This is where subversion can comes in. This is where especially ideological subversion comes in. When people are trying to subvert your reality, to change your perception to something, so that you choose to change the way you see it, so that you choose to change the way you interact with it. If you believe and I'm sorry, there's a lot of you that are probably going to disagree with me on this.
If you believe that the world should have been shut down, because of COVID, then what you're believing is stuff that goes against a tonne of proven science doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what your belief is. The science has been out there 17,000 times, there's so many pieces of information that are showing that it was unnecessary to do so it was unnecessary to shut down schools, it was unnecessary to do so many aspects were some aspects necessary? Yes, definitely. The problem is, is that the subversion takes the smaller portion of things that should have been done, and lumps all these other things in for control. And what happens is, is if you buy into it with how science without understanding, then you believe that everything that's being told is ideologically true. But what's the intention? The intention is to subvert your belief system with information. That's not truth. If you tell a lie long enough, eventually it becomes truth. Now, if you're listening to this go, man, I just I, Chris, I'm shocked. I'm surprised. Listen, before you, you know, assassinate my character, make sure that you're hearing what I'm saying. Were some aspects important? Yes, were they the minority? ABS is thinking loosely. And it's been proven over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Here's the problem. The Lie was told so many times, that no matter what the truth is, that comes out now. People believe the lie over the truth. That is what's called ideological subversion. You lie so many times and for so long, that eventually facts don't matter. important for us to recognise, because it may be happening to you. And you may be doing it to somebody else. So here's the deal. We live and breathe in the world that we create the reality that we perceive. If we put on those proverbial rose coloured glasses, then we see the world as having a rose tint. That makes sense, right? It's what we're choosing to believe. Let's take it a step further. Think about that concept in terms of negative and positive some people see only problems around them.
And others see only the opportunities. Why is that? Well, we talked a lot about this in our episode 505 called scarcity mentality, that there are people that can take the same exact situation, and some see only negativity and others see opportunity. So in plain language, setting someone's reality is suggesting that they are a certain kind of a person or that they behave in a certain way, or their motives are a certain way or, you know, anything to try and get them to believe who they are. One of the phrases you'll hear a lot is oh, so what you believe is this? Oh, I know what you're thinking, you think this? So what you're telling me is you think this, and quite often a person is not paying attention, the thing that's being said has not been said by the person. Quite often people try one feeling out of control with us as we're helping people through a very difficult process is to try and change the things that we've said over and over again. Well, you just said this. And if you do not pay attention to what's happening, somebody who's really good at that manipulation, you'll actually skip right past it. You'll not even think about it. But if you pay attention, and somebody says something that sounds kind of like what you said, but it's actually not what you said, and they're gonna now use that against you. If you're paying attention, and you're not emotionally handcuffed to the conversation at the time, you can go no, hold on. Let me you can keep that that's not true. That is not what was said. Oh, that's exactly what you said. No, that's not what I said at all. I said this over here. What's the same thing? Nope, that is not the same thing. When you're able to recognise it, you can see the manipulation. Now keep in mind, we may need to look at ourselves and see if we're manipulating on this, right, it's super important to recognise that we're not doing it as well, right. So if someone is manipulative enough, they'll reinforce this perception over and over until that person reacts, until that person becomes angry or even takes a hold of it and believes that it is true. We create our own reality with what we think with what we believe and what we perceive. Here's why that's important for us to understand, it exposes to areas for us to watch out for vulnerability. Others might use our perception to manipulate or control
and responsibility, you have a responsibility to choose how you will, or how you won't see things. Now, before we talk about taking responsibility, and what steps you can take, let's talk about the responsibility that every leader has to grow, improve, and Excel Yes, and that is happening right now, folks. The fact is that the more effective you become as a leader, the more effective your team becomes, which means the more your business will grow with less stress. If you're ready to take a huge leap forward in your leadership capability, then you absolutely need to check out our next level leadership live event coming up this April, registration is open, and seats are selling out. So don't put this off. The keynote lessons are generated to equip you to build high performing teams cultivate excellence in every corner of your business, and grow your revenues. The lessons are truly transformative during this event, and you're not going to want to miss them on top of that we do breakouts, so that you can learn to implement this stuff right away. So sign up today at Crystal crypto.com/events. And get ready for growth. Once again, go to Chris ducker.com/events to take your business to the next level. Alright, let's get back to putting a stop to setting the reality of others. One of the ways that somebody does something is questioning someone's memory. Right? We've talked about that a little bit. Not that's not true, you're remembering that incorrectly. I'll never forget that a family member one time that was a lot of abuse and family. I didn't see this person for many, many years. And then when I did see the person, their first suggestion was that, that I'm older now. And it goes in my 30s. I'm older now. And my memory is not the same as it was, you know, just just be careful, because a lot of times people remember things in a way that didn't actually happen. And it was so funny in that situation to just go cheese, very first thing, trying to set a reality to tell me that if I had any memories of anything bad, there wasn't even a discussion. There was no no discussion of the past, there was no discussion of anything bad. But this is a person who was jumping out ahead to say if you do have any memories, they're probably wrong. You're you're not remembering them correctly, the mind plays tricks on you, as you get older, wow, to use them. Like I was 33 at the time, wow, I must be really old, my memory must be shot.
And I guess another way that people set reality is pretending that they don't understand. This is all that drives me nuts. This drives me nuts. Because it's, a lot of times people don't even recognise it. But when somebody in this happens with a lot of people, if you're pushing on them on something, you know, there's if you're pointing out something, if you're helping them to see something that they're doing, instead of taking responsibility, they will do this. I don't understand. I don't this isn't making any sense to me. I don't understand why you're saying that. I don't understand it. It just becomes this nonstop. I don't understand. I'm just I'm shocked. I don't get this. And instead of actually addressing the thing, let's say you're putting in a healthy boundary or, you know, many times as a leader, if you're pointing out something for a team member that they're doing or, you know, often in events is we're leading people and we're pointing out something that has come from them. It's it's their words, it's their thing, whatever. And it's Shane, did you notice this? I know I don't I don't understand what you're saying. And you know, the person does actually understand, but it's become this thing with this tone that suggests that you're crazy. Right? So this one's a hard one for people to recognise until you actually are able to put it out. And again, this is what we do for a living. But until you're able to point it out, a lot of times people don't understand that they don't recognise it, they don't see that the use the tone, everything in the situation is one of not taking responsibility. It's not actually one of not understanding. It's one of not taking responsibility. Another way is you pretend that you're not listening. This is just, I just, it's annoying, you know, that somebody sets a reality of, I'm not actually listening to you, I will tell you this on my high seas out there. This is something that many high seas will do who immaturity if they've grown and understood their personality style, and they've probably or hopefully have changed this, but many times you will find somebody acting as though they're not listening so that they don't have to take responsibility for the thing later on. One of the things you'll see with a lot of high seas, is if they are immature, and you're saying, Hey, could you do this thing? Would you make sure that this gets done? There's no response? They don't respond for what purpose? Because if they don't respond, and then they don't get the thing done, then they get to say, and again, we're talking about immaturity, we're not talking about mature responsible, healthy people, right? Then what they get to say, is I You never told me that? Yes, I literally told you that this was 30 minutes ago. No, you didn't? Yes, I did. Absolutely. No, you didn't actually say that at all. I never heard you say that. You were standing right there. I was talking directly to you. I never heard it. You didn't say it. Drives me nuts. So here's what I do. Whenever I'm talking to somebody. And if I'm leading somebody on something, or pointing out something, and they don't respond, I'll ask it again. I'll say it again. Hey, can you make sure that this gets done? Yeah. Okay. Hey, next time in the future, just go ahead and respond to me. Just let me know that you heard me. It's just, it's just a good thing to do, too good, responsible thing to do is to let me know that you heard what I was saying.
And the funny thing is, if it's somebody who's immature, and they were pretending, then they get frustrated, that they have to answer because now it becomes a responsibility. Am I saying all high seas do this know, what I'm saying is immature, high seas tend to do this, right. But it's not just high seas. This is people in general, that pretending not to listen, another thing is, and this happens, who I think this happens about a billion times more than people recognise people twisting other people's words. People twisting other people's words, just enough, you know, what did we see in the Garden of Eden? Right, a twisting of God's words. The twisting was enough to convince them that God did not have their best interest at heart. It's powerful. It's something that abusive, controlling manipulative people use a tonne. Especially now let me hit on the high DS and the high is even, especially for the faster thinkers, the faster processors if they are manipulative and abusive and controlling. Not saying this is all Heidi's are Hi, eyes, don't take offence to this. If this is not you, if it is you suck it up buttercup and take responsibility. The faster thinkers can have a tendency to twist people's words Hi, SS high seas, twist that around and come out on really fast. And then they don't know what to say. Because they're hearing this thing. And it sounds like you just said this horrible thing over here. And maybe you didn't. Maybe it's just the twisting of your words. And now it really sounds bad, right? So things for us to look at. Another thing is people will use phrases like you always or you never. Now, this is what I have to be very careful about you will find me many times catching myself, because I have a tendency to speak in generalities. You know, I think I said it earlier. This always happens. I'm sorry. Not always. But most of the time this happens when people are feeling out of control. You know, that's something I said in this show. I have to be very careful. My intention is not manipulative. It is not controlling it speaking in generalities. However, that same process can be used for manipulation. You always do things this way and it affects everybody in a negative way. You always think that you always there's a difference, right? One is speaking in generalities. That's my 60 I in me, you know, as eyes we like to speak like that. The other is manipulative and controlling. Right or you never do this, right? You never do this thing. Oh, gosh, that's super, super controlling, especially for talking about one instance, one time. Right? What if that is absolutely untrue. So that's another way that people use phrases and situations to set somebody's reality. Now, using phrases like this are geared at creating doubt and confusion in the other person. That's the goal. That's the plan. If I can get you to doubt if I can get you to feel confused, man, I got you against the ropes. I've set you reality, things are now working in my favour. I'm now controlling you and the situation as far as I'm concerned. That's what I'm looking at. They're designed to undermine the person's perception of, of you. They're designed to undermine the person's perception of themselves the situation the reality as they see it.
It's designed to shift the cards in somebody else's favour. Right, your favour if you're the one doing this, these are things that we have to watch out for, we have to watch out for these kinds of phrases that are really veiled accusations, things like you're making things up, or that never happened, or you're being dramatic. Now. Let me just say, that can go either way. This is where I want to point out again, the victim mentality. If somebody's telling you, you're being dramatic, and you're not being dramatic, then they're being manipulative. If you are being dramatic, and you're a drama, queen, stop, take responsibility. So there's many times as you like, I say, there's people that are teaching now on the on the phrase gaslighting, and they're enabling people to be victims, if somebody tells you that you're being dramatic, that is unacceptable. Not necessarily, what if you are being dramatic? Right? What if the thing you're doing is being incredibly dramatic? Then you could ask them to talk nicer to you. But what if you need to take responsibility for being dramatic, right? Another phrase is you're blowing things out of proportion. Again, this can be manipulative, it can also be very accurate. Another one and men, for those of us that have ever dealt with the abusive side of relationship, a phrase that just rings true, I did that because I love you who man that took years to recognise, that took years to recognise that can be if somebody is doing something to hurt you. If somebody is doing something, setting your reality if somebody's doing something manipulative, abusive, and it's used in the term of I love you. Well, that's not love. In fact, for those of us that are believers, what is biblical love? selfless sacrifice. Right? Love is not an emotion. According to the Bible. It's it's the sacrificing of yourself. That's what love is God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. Right? Yeshua, Jesus loved the world so much, that he sacrificed his own life. He loved his father so much that He sacrificed His own life. So things to think about right. Other phrases are I don't know why you're making such a huge deal of this. We've all probably heard that many of us have probably use that. Another one, you're being overly sensitive. So as we use these phrases, do I think that it leans more in the direction of manipulation than accuracy? Yes. Do I think that the accuracy is only 5% of the time? Nope. This may be a 6040. Right, this may be a 6040. So the thing is, is we have to learn better ways of communicating, instead of making accusations and telling somebody how they are. Instead, we have to find a better way to communicate, I don't have to tell you that you're being overly sensitive. There's a much easier way for me to handle that. And it comes in the form of asking a question, let me ask you, is your response equal to the situation? Now, I didn't accuse you. Now, I didn't set your reality.
If you're being overly sensitive, and I asked you the question, Are you being overly sensitive, right? Is your is your response equal to the situation? And you can as an adult, evaluate, then you should get to a really good answer pretty quickly. Yes, yes, I am being overly sensitive. Oh, well, there you are. Well, okay. What do we do about that? So it's important for us to not allow ourselves to be victims in the situation. And for us to not use phrases that really sound like we're setting somebody's reality, even though we may not be right. So we have to use the tools instead of telling somebody asked questions that will help them right. So behind these veiled accusations as the intention to say that they are lying that they're missing obvious information or just disregarding it intentionally or overreacting or being out of control, right? So the person whose reality is being set by others may be reactive. At first, they might be surprised, they might be confused, they might be angry, then slowly, they'll start to question What's real or what's true about themselves the situation, or how others perceive them, then they'll start to accept this new reality if it's worked, even if it's not true. And soon, they're going to feel that something's wrong with them, they're going to get caught in this circular arguments of negative self talk in their heads, they're going to get exhausted by thinking that maybe they're going crazy. I can tell you I had that long time ago, with this constant suggestion that I what I was seeing was not reality. I kept questioning, is it not reality? Is it just me? Am I crazy until it was pointed out by somebody else in the mix? This is reality. This is happening. You aren't crazy. You're saying this. So if it lasts long enough, then somebody can absolutely believe that it is reality, you know that the thing that they're seeing is not true. It's not actually happening. Eventually, that person whose reality is routinely set by others will start to show signs of low self worth, demoralisation and emotional dependence on the abuser, which is, really many times if it's an abusive person, if it's beyond just manipulation, and it's stepped into abuse. That's exactly what an abuser wants is that emotional dependence, right? The crazy thing is, this is lying. It doesn't matter. If you're lying about somebody's reality, you're lying. It doesn't matter. It's manipulation. It's even abuse in many situations. And in some situations, and possibly a good number of them, it's even brainwashing Yep, I'm just gonna say it, it's very good watching. Now, that doesn't mean that you get to be a victim and allow it to be brainwashing. If it's happening, and you do not believe it's truth, and you have to do something like setting healthy boundaries, if the healthy boundaries aren't being set, because the person is stronger abusively than then you are for yourself, and you need to find help to discover if it's truth. Right. So that's one great thing is we've had a good number of people come through next level life, knowing things were wrong in a relationship and knowing that they were with somebody abusive, knowing that they were with somebody super manipulative, and discovered, ways to put in healthy boundaries. Right. We've even had the abusers come through, and fight and fight and fight. We call it fighting in a wet paper bag, fight, fight, fight, fight fight, that they weren't abusive, only to discover, yep, that's exactly what they're doing.
So and we've had lots of people come through that have none of that's going on in their life, which is also a great thing. So now that we've uncovered some of the motives, some of the phrases and intended results, we can cut this out of our behaviour, the next time that there's conflict, that you're feeling out of control, or you're trying to convince someone examine your motives. Why am I trying to convince them of this? Am I seeking to understand or be understood? am I seeking the other person's welfare? Or am I just trying to, you know, to justify myself and say face, which a lot of times is the actual answer, we, you know, where's my? Where's my own value at risk here? If I'm losing worth quickly, then I'm probably really trying to control this area, right? Examine your tactics. Am I distorting or withholding facts? Am I telling the truth in love? As we shouldn't? Take a look at Ephesians 415? What does it look like to tell truth in love? Am I really listening to what the other person has to say? am I allowing the other person to express themselves genuinely right? Check out your own tactics, consider the other person's point of view. How are you feeling? Right now in this situation? How do you see the situation? Why are you saying this or that right? Why are you doing this or that describe it? The way you see it? Because what you may discover is the other person's point of view is really good. I was watching a great conversation with a multi decade theologian, which again theology comes from and right, but still somebody who I actually respect and believe has done a great job studying scripture and had one specific belief, it was nothing major, nothing crazy. But one person pushed back and said, could it possibly be this? And that person said, wow, never saw it that way before you just swayed me. No self protection, no defensiveness, no struggle and having to be right or can't be wrong, was able to listen to something that they have already had an opinion on for decades and go, Wow, that's a really good piece of information that I didn't have. Why are we not like that? Why do we struggle with that?
It's not that difficult people. If you're not emotionally attached to the conversation, if you're not struggling with having to be right, or I can't be wrong, then when new quality information comes about, you just might see it that way. So consider the other person's point of view. Now when we come back, how to disarm the reality setting attacks of others against. Folks, if you've been listening to me for any length of time, then you know, the number one issue when it comes to business, when it comes to family, when it comes to friendships, is having a lack of high quality communication, to make sure that you are absolutely winning in every aspect of your life, it all starts with having great communication, the best way to get that communication is to understand your personality style, and to understand the personality style of the folks that you're spending the most time with, whether it be at work, whether it be at home, the best way to do that is to go to Chris ducker.com/store. And get your personality profile and personality profiles for your team to day, get it for your family members. Today, as you go through that profile, you will begin to see the greatest ways to communicate, go to Chris ducker.com/store. Today. Folks, I've been doing this a long time, we've seen hundreds of people come in for a next level life event who were bruised, broken and hurting. And we've already done over 500 events. Just amazing one on one. And sometimes people bring their spouse in, but one on one events, helping people to really heal and go through a great restoration process.
Again, I've said this many times before, we've had people that have had horrible stuff in their lives come through we've had people that had nothing bad in our lives go through doesn't matter. It's all about discovering how to have a better life, discovering things that might be plateauing, you holding you back. And for a lot of folks, it's discovering all those things that have really, really hurt you. So it's been an honour to be part of their their healing and restoration process. And in fact, this week, we're celebrating 10 years of this kind of work 10 years, our team has some really special things in the works. So that you can see in here, a little behind the scenes. But I'm grateful that God continues to use us for His glory, and for the good of others. So let's get back to disarming the accusations and attacks of others who tried to set our reality now the thing that we have to think about doing and for some of you out there, you might not like this word, but we have to learn how to defend against, right, so I want you to think about watching it like a movie. Many times through next level life that I help people to do is watch it like a movie, which means you kind of step back, you you already know, the person that's probably manipulating you the worst or the most often is somebody you already know, as somebody you've seen multiple times, it's somebody who experienced multiple times. And so what you do is, is you know what's going to happen. The problem is is we get so tensed and so worked up and and you know adrenaline pumping, because we know something bad is coming in, we're gonna have to deal with it, and we get ourselves prepared to deal with it. And yet, that's not necessary. We don't have to do that. We can actually just watch it like a movie, you know what's going to happen? You know how they're going to respond. You know how they're going to be. You just kind of remove yourself from being emotionally handcuffed to the discussion of the situation. And then you watch what they're doing. Here's the problem. People can't think fast enough in conflict situations. That's that's the thing we see all the time. If I could have just said this, you know, two hours later, oh, I should have said this over here.
Actually, none of that matters. It doesn't matter what you should have said. What matters is recognising what's happening to you. So if you see something happening, like somebody's saying, Well, you always do this. And your responses. No, I don't. That doesn't really doesn't do any good. Because they're like, oh, yeah, you do. Always. You're always doing that. No, no, I don't, I don't always do that. Instead, if you're able to not be emotionally handcuffed, you hear the question? You always do this. Not emotionally handcuffed. I'm thinking for a second is that truth? Now one of the things I always say is, if it's true, take responsibility. Now, the way they may be handling, it can be pushed back on as well if it's not being handled in a healthy way. But what if they're right? What if they are accurate? Yes, I do always do that. Well, then take responsibility, and it changes the conversation, maybe this isn't somebody who's trying to manipulate you, maybe this isn't somebody's trying to abuse you, maybe you're the problem. But let's assume that it's not. Alright. So what I'm saying is, is let's get the victim mentality out of here. If we're being victims, that's not what we're discussing. If you're being a victim, suck it up, buttercup, take responsibility and do something about it stop being a victim. But what if you are being truly manipulated, you always do this to lie. That's not truth. I've got this situation, this, this, this, this, this, Hey, I'm sorry, you can keep that this is this is the defending yourself part.
Hey, you can keep that that's not truth. I don't always do that. Now, here's the funny thing. This is a first off all of my SS and C's right now that are listening to this, you're going oh, I could never do that. Guys, I'm a high s, my highest is s, I want you to understand, I am very confident in life. Because I do the things that we teach. I've been able to flip this stuff around and become healthier, by doing the things that I've taught for decades. That's why I'm able to be confident. That's why I'm able to listen to somebody instead of getting emotionally handcuffed. And I'm not saying that I don't ever, there are times that I have there are times that I do. But if you do these things, I know you think that you can't you can. So the key is listening. And when it happens, give it back to the person I'm sorry, I'm I'm not going to receive that this is one of the things that will blow a controlling or abusive, personal way. I'll never forget to a family member once when I said I'm not going to receive that that's a lie. And that person just but what what do you mean, you're not going to receive it? Think of what that type of response is? No, you're supposed to receive it right? That's what that's saying. What do you mean, you're not going to receive it? This is somebody who's been an expert at controlling people, right? So when I just saw what they were going to do knew what they were going to do. And the moment they did it, I just gave her a back note, I'm sorry, I'm not going to receive that that's a lie. This person lost their mind. They didn't know what to do. They didn't know how to act. They couldn't speak coherently at that point. Why? Because nobody had done that before. Nobody had pushed back on them like that before. Nobody had shown them their own tactics, and then didn't receive them. This is what's so vitally important for us to do for you to do watch it like a movie, see what's going on. And then give it right back. Hey, that's not truth, I'm not going to receive that, again, with the assumption that you've made sure it's not true. I'm not going to receive that. You can keep that. In fact, I really don't want you setting my reality. These are things that you can do to disarm the attack. You know what else you can do? Leave. Now for a lot of you that just seems like massive conflict. I know. I get it, I've been there. But believe it or not, when you remove yourself from the at that point, toxic situation. It will be amazing how much more healthy you become. When you just look at a person and go, Hey, I'm sorry, I no longer want to be a part of this conversation. I'm just gonna get on out of here. And you don't do it in a techie kind of way. You don't do it all emotionally flustered. You just leave. Now, is it possible that person is going to pour on the gasoline 100% Do not respond. Don't be drawn in. That's their goal. Their goal is to draw you in more gasoline is to get you to respond is to get you fired up. Just leave, just get out of there. Remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can. If you do that, you'll be blown away how in control of you, you are.
You can do this. Now let's kind of break this down. And you know, I want to want to make this disclaimer, obviously, we're talking about people intentionally trying to manipulate you, I can't say that enough. I'm gonna say it again. We're not talking about honest, objective criticism by others. So if it's something that is, you know, many times people will come to me and say, Hey, I need help on this. And I will give them honest and objective criticism that is not about me, it's about them, it's helping them to see something. And sometimes it hurts. And sometimes it's tough. There's nothing better man, I tell you what this is one of the things I appreciate the most is when somebody comes to somebody who is in a healthy way, trying to help them and is able to receive the help the input. One of the most frustrating things is when people take advantage of that situation, to take somebody down a notch to hurt somebody to affect somebody, because it's their opportunity to speak into this person's life and get something out of it themselves. That's just ridiculous, as far as I'm concerned, so I love it when somebody comes to me and says, Hey, can you help me look at myself in this way? Or what do you see me doing here? Whatever. Sometimes it hurts, though, right? Sometimes it's tough. But if it's coming from a healthy, honest, objective person, then great, what do we do with the information? Many times I'll tell people, Hey, this is something you you know, you don't have to receive this as this is something you disagree with push back on me.
So that they know that they have options, it's a great thing to do to let somebody know that they have options. Because sometimes if somebody thinks they don't have options, they think the only option is to fight. So if they know they have options, then it makes it easier for them to receive quality information. Because so many times in the past they've received crappy controlling stuff. So with that said, understanding all of this, there is a couple of steps that I want you to do first, refuse to believe the lies or dealing with lies and accusations. So step one is to refuse the lies, you decided that this isn't objectively true. But the other person is insisting then you must refuse to accept that internally, as your reality, do not receive it. With the caveat you've already gone through. And you know, it's a lie. If it's a lie, do not perceive a number to reject what's being said, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this. You can actually say out loud, I refuse to accept the receipt that in other words, I reject what you're saying, as false or inaccurate. There's no retaliation here. We're not calling the other person a liar, which sometimes I have one, it's a blatant lie. I don't call the person a liar, or say that's a lie. So we're not saying you are a liar, which of course, they're going to turn that around and say, so you're calling me a liar? No, what I'm saying is what you just said is a lie. It's not truth. So make sure that you're not setting their reality, you're always a liar. That's not something that we want to do, right. But we want to make sure that we're not entering into the conflict with the same tactics or intentions that they are currently utilising right. But we do have the responsibility to ourselves. We don't want to undermine our own selves by not doing something we don't want to betray us by not protecting ourselves in this situation. So reject what's false. Number three, reorient the conversation. If in fact, their intentions are aggressive, and confrontational, it's really helpful to dig deeper, right? Don't dig deeper into the lies themselves, you're just giving them you're giving them an opportunity to twist something. So right now, they're just sandcastles without foundations. Don't give them a foundation.
Instead, it can be disarming to reorient the conversation with phrases like help me to understand what you're after. That's a big one. That is a big, big, big one. When you can say to somebody help me to understand what you're trying to accomplish here. Right. Help me to see what you want to accomplish. Help me to understand the point you're making. It's so funny. Again, when you watch people debate, if you don't pay attention, and you're just responding to the thing that they're asking many times an interviewer who's coming up with a harsh debate, will say stuff to get somebody only to one point, all they want is the one point this is the only point I want you to I don't want you to talk about the actual topic. The I don't want to get into the things that you're standing up for, I just want you to say this thing over here. Because if you say it over here, then I have something to use against you. It's ridiculous, right? It's crazy. So instead, hey, help me to understand what you're going after, I just want you to answer this thing. Why that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. You'll be amazed at how many people will all of a sudden realise Oh, crap, you can see that you can recognise what I'm doing. So these are ways, folks, it's not easy to live or work with someone who's constantly trying to set your reality. Because it's just not. They need help to write, they need help. But what you need to do is make sure that you're doing everything you can to keep you healthy, you are not in a position, if you can't keep you healthy, you're not in a position to help that person be healthy. Okay? So leave that up to the professionals at that point, when you get to a healthy place, and this stuff bounces off of you, and you're able to recognise it and hear it and set healthy boundaries, and so on and so forth, then you might be able to speak into that person's life. But in the meantime, keep you healthy, right? Seek the perspective of people you trust, underline, highlight, star that word trust. Seek the grounding viewpoint of leaders if they are healthy leaders.
Seek the objectivity of those outside your situation outside the conflict. To Sure, definitely unbiased, right if possible. And for the love. So many of you know everybody needs a next level life. Let me just say that there's nobody who doesn't. Right? It is crazy powerful, no matter what your situation is. You don't have to have gone through crappy stuff, to learn better ways to walk out your life write better plans. But many of you need to get your butts into next level life as soon as possible. 10 years we've been doing this, and I can tell you, it's the most powerful thing we've ever done. It helps it heals, it builds up, it lifts up and helps you to get to the next level of life in your life and also the next level in your business. So make the decision, right, make the decision. Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today. I hope this has helped you out. There's so much more to this topic. But gosh, I think I've done incredibly long. It's been a long episode, but hopefully it's been good for you. As always, take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life. And join us on the next episode.