527 | Supporting Others In Their Crisis

Chris LoCurto 0:00
A friend in need is a friend indeed. But how far is too far? How can you offer help while maintaining your common objectivity in the crisis that is coming up next?

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks, I hope you're having a fabulous day, wherever you are. A couple of episodes back, we talked about leaders cultivating empathy, not just sympathy toward others. Understanding what someone else is experiencing, can help us to understand their behavior can help us to be patient, and offer grace can help us to lead them to success, coach them through crises, and perhaps even help them period. But first, we have to understand right, a lot of leaders really love other people, which makes them great leaders and genuinely want what's best for them. It's great to have compassion for people who are struggling. I can tell you, certain personality styles, certain values, motivators, as we call them as well tend to lean in that direction. Your high Ss are always going to care greatly about people in love people really well. High eyes are very people focused. Your high altruist is somebody who really cares about not only developing others but removing their pain. High politicals are going to be concerned about helping people become better. There are all different types of personality styles and values that can lean in that direction. Doesn't matter which style you are. People can care and love deeply about other people. Our goal today is to talk about how, you know it's the lifeguard example if you're a lifeguard and somebody who's drowning, how do you make sure that you contain the person to get them to safety instead of being drugged down, in drowned with them in the same process. So if you want to learn more about personality styles, and motivators, then head on over to ChrisLoCurto.com/store. To find information on the disc and values assessment, if you've not done it, get it done. People, this is huge in your communication. Now, we're not just talking about leaders today, right? I mean, we're talking about people in general. But obviously, this is something that is so important for leaders to understand. We're talking about the pretty normal human experience, sooner or later, someone around you will struggle or go through a crisis, it's bound to happen, whether it's a friend, a neighbor, a family member, a colleague, a co-worker, you know, somebody you lead, somebody is going to experience going through a crisis. And so we want to kind of try and figure out what can we do. How can we help out? And how do we maintain health in the process? So let's take a look inside first. So no matter your personality style, you may find yourself on different points of the spectrum, depending on the person and depending upon their problem.

So let's look at some aspects. Number one, how can I be empathetic and compassionate just in general? Right? In other words, when, when I don't feel anything at all? What does that like? Well, if you can just imagine, you know, you don't have to have experienced it. You don't have to go through the crisis. You know, if you haven't gone through a crisis, you probably are going to at some point, no one is immune to suffering and pain. But step back and think for a second about someone who was there for you. Right? When you needed a friend, be that friend for other people. Step into the messiness. What does it look like to have gone through something even if it wasn't a crisis? Maybe it's just a difficulty? Maybe it's just a hard time? Did you have anybody that was there and stood by you? Well, what does it mean to be empathetic? Put yourself in their shoes, even though you're not and you've not gone through it? Right? Could you imagine what they must be going through? You know, one of the one of the worst things is that we try and give advice to people going through something difficult, and we've never been there ourselves. And it just doesn't sound genuine and it sounds like we don't really care, right? But if you can stop for a moment and just imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes right now. What would you want somebody to say to you? How would you want them to act? Number two, how do I empathize with someone whose pain I've never experienced? You know, in other words, I don't get why that's so painful, and that That's very understandable.

There are people that experience pain in situations that you might not. You know, I've had many conversations with people that are like, I don't, I don't even think that that's real, that can't possibly be real, because that's ridiculous or that shouldn't be so painful or so here's what you need to understand and with, with victim mentality aside with enablement aside, entitlement aside, okay. It's very likely that somebody is going to experience pain in a situation that you wouldn't, you wouldn't normally feel pain in that situation. So what does that look like? Right? How do you empathize with somebody? You know, it's, it's, it's something you have to ask yourself a question again, gain some perspective, you know, ask them, What are you feeling right now? How did you receive what he or she just did? How are you processing or dealing with what's happened? So, obviously, you don't want to come off as somebody who's just interviewing or interrogating the daylights out of somebody but try and gain some perspective, you might gain some insight as to why it's so painful to that person when you know, and it might help you to see oh, well, crap, now that I know that yeah, I can totally get why that was painful, right? So a big part of empathizing with somebody whose pain is not something you actually feel or feel like you would experience, is gain perspective, gain quality perspective and see what they're going through number three, I sometimes lose patience, or get frustrated with someone who's struggling, what does that say about me? It says that you're a terrible human being. No, that is not, it does not mean that you're a terrible human being it is understandable that sometimes it can be frustrating, right? You know, in other words, their struggle is getting on my nerves. Why is somebody dealing with that for so long, completely understandable. Again, if we think of victim mentality, we're probably seeing way more struggle than we should see, if we're seeing somebody who's really seeking affirmation and worth from you in the situation, the struggle is probably way more than they need. I had a team member years ago, gosh, decades ago, that I would help this person out, help them out, they're going through a horrible situation in their personal life legitimate situation. But what they recognized is that I kept helping, and so after the legitimate situation, there was something else. And then there was something else, and then there was something else.

So there are people who some pains take longer, I have gone through some very traumatic things in my life that took way longer. And I had great people in my corner saying dude, you got to let it go, you got to get over this. You know, and then most stuff I get over immediately or very quickly, right? It just kind of depends. So keep in mind, if the assumption is this is legitimate pain, Okay, guess what, they're human. Right? We all have limits to our own struggles, you know, it could say that they're identifying too much with their pain. You know, maybe it reminds you of your own pain that you've been through, and maybe the struggle for you is that you don't want to deal with it. Right? Maybe it's legit, how much they're going through. And it's something you don't want to deal with. Or maybe it's just something that you have greater limits on than they do, right? It might mean that you're identifying too little with it, that you're not actually empathizing, with what they're going through, and it could mean that you've tried to help, but Ben refused. You know, so it's time to step back. So if it's, if it's you then once again, how would you want to be treated? How would you want somebody to help you? You know, what would you want empathy to look like with you? If maybe you're not connecting with it? Maybe you're not, you know, you're identifying too little with it. And again, we're not saying, Please, I'm not saying I need you to go sit in somebody's pain. That is not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is, how do you help somebody? Then perspective gathering? What if you've been refused? This is a tough one. Especially for people pleasers.

You know, my whole life has been spent trying to help people overcome and remove pain from their lives. That's been my whole life. And I have been rejected many times in the process. Here's the key you've got to understand. You do not have to be emotionally handcuffed to somebody else's negative situation. Painful, difficult situation. If you become emotionally handcuffed to it, then you are going to be experiencing it and when they reject you in the process or refuse your help in the process, then it's going to hurt you because you put yourself in a bad situation. I've done that seven 10,000 times, until God pointed out, you know, in my early 20s to stop, quit doing that I don't have to allow it to hurt me, I can still help. And if somebody doesn't want to help, I don't lose worth. My worth is not tied up in that move-on. Right. So that last point can sometimes be the trickiest. You know, it's the one about knowing when to stop helping when, if the help isn't helping, if you're not getting through, if somebody's rejecting you, or if somebody is loving your help and just keep sucking you in, then you've got to understand it's time for healthy boundaries.

So it's important to recognize when help actually isn't helping. Now for the obvious, before we get into the nitty-gritty of all of this, let's deal with some obvious things first, Hippocrates, considered to be the father of modern medicine said before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick. Man, that is such a powerful, powerful statement. Before you heal, someone asked him what they're willing to give up the things that make him sick, I cannot tell you how many people I have tried to help that are not willing to give up the things that have made them sick, greedy people who refuse to recognize greed. unhealthy eating people that don't care, how bad and how sick their bodies get, because the food is an emotional numbing for them. If someone wants to stay lost, then no matter what you do, you can't help them to find their way. If someone doesn't want help, then there's no way you can help them. I am sorry for all of you, hi Ultras out there who are like, Yes, I can I can help. All you is no I can, no, you can't. Somebody has to want help. Somebody very close to me that I have known my whole life. And that has struggled with alcoholism. In and out of programs. I remember that person one time saying to me, it doesn't matter if you don't want to be in the program, because that just means that you're waiting for the program out. And the moment you walk out the door, you go back to the very thing that puts you in the program in the first place. Yeah. It's like one of those things that when I heard I'm like, Why? Why would you choose that? And again, desires are the most important thing. If they don't want help, it doesn't matter. You can't help. But what if they're truly addicted?

Listen to me. Everybody can overcome addiction, everybody if they want it bad enough if they desire it. So what if someone refuses to accept and put into practice the very counsel that they receive? Well? What can you do about that? Every single time somebody goes to Next-Level Life to Sstrat Plan, or whatever we're doing, we help them to understand, we've got you to a greater perspective, and what you do with it is up to them. If you choose to not go and do this stuff, you can't blame us that it didn't work. But if you choose to go and do it, I promise you, it'll work. It'll work, we've, we've discovered all of this amazing perspective. It's up to you, it's it, we can't go with you and make you do it. You have to choose to do it yourself. And either way, you get it, you understand what I'm talking about your efforts are limited by what they can receive.

There's an old saying that you can lead a horse to water. But you can't make them drink. We all get them. They could be dying of thirst right next to a freshwater stream. No matter what you do. There's nothing you can do. You can't make them drink. Right? So listen to me when I say feelings are fickle. They come and go. If someone stays in a motion, then it's their decision to do so. You know, our mission is guiding individuals and organizations to a greater perspective. We've been told off for you know, 10 straight years, you've changed my life Nope. We helped you get to the best perspective, then you made the decision to go do something about it. So that said let's change the analogy around a bit. Now I've never been a lifeguard. But understand there's a simple rule of thumb when trying to help someone who's drowning. The number one rule of thumb is to avoid drowning yourself. You cannot save somebody from drowning. If you get drowned in the process. I mean there you're you're in no condition to help someone notes if you're unconscious or dead, it doesn't matter. And this is where things get messy because our tendency is to lose objectivity. When being empathetic. It can be tough to know where the boundaries are, and when to say when especially I'm gonna go back to my hot high Ultras, again, because you have convinced yourself and my high essence, you've in high eyes, you've convinced yourself, you've got this. Listen, it's not you, you got to know when to say when to don't get stuck, you know, that within pulling you down, don't, don't get sucked into the undertow of their problems, know when to stop. If you're trying to help someone and it's not working, then stop trying to help them, you might actually be making things worse, believe it or not, know when to step back from the situation. And that's one of the toughest things in helping people to understand.

There are many times that you continuing to go in and try and help somebody is actually making it worse, because you're enabling them to stay stuck, and the problem, is one of the most difficult things for me to do in life. This is what I do for a living. It's what I do for a living for decades, I've been helping people to overcome and get better and become stronger and put in better plans, everything. One of the toughest things is when I recognize, I actually need to back away, so that I get more pain so that I do something about it. That's a tough one. But I've recognized when my help was making things worse because I was enabling somebody in the situation. If someone is sinking, and they have their hands around your neck, you're not obligated to drown with them. This can be a really, really difficult concept for people to accept. So back to that lifeguard analogy. lifeguards are taught that when approaching someone in the water who is drowning, they must approach the person feet first, it's a defensive posture, it tests the situation a bit, they'll also approach to the drowning person from behind, so as not to get hit in the face or even worse, right. So the bottom line is, if it comes down to either one, the drowning person dies or two, we both drown together, well, then it has to be that they drown and not us together. That's just plain wisdom. It's not cruelty. It's self-protection. But for some people that can be very difficult to accept. Now keep in mind, we're not talking about a situation where, you know, you could really help them and they are so out of control that they can't help themselves. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a person who if they are not going to receive help if they're going to battle help, if they're going to pull you down with them. Put some healthy boundaries in place back up, back up, right. If you're offering your hand to help and someone's not taking it, then you have to stop offering. So think about the butterfly story. You remember the story about the man who rescued the caterpillar from his cocoon before its transformation to a butterfly had taken place while moved by compassion to help the poor caterpillar and not wanting to see it struggle inside of its cocoon. He cut it open, freeing the butterfly from its cage. What he didn't understand was that the cage, its cocoon was the very context of transformation hear me on this, actually preparing it to emerge as a fully functional butterfly. Sadly, the caterpillar slash butterfly didn't survive, as it was not only fully transformed from its suffering, folks, you and anybody you're trying to help, you need to recognize pain is so often a part of the transformation.

Pain and suffering and struggle is so often the very thing that helps somebody become better if you remove and listen, again, I have done this for decades. It's what I do for a living. It is something I had to learn early on. If you remove them from their painful situation, and you don't allow them to learn and struggle through and work through it and put healthy things in place, then you just might actually be causing them more pain. The life lesson is that some struggles are there for a reason. God's very aware of it. Many times he's preparing us for our next season. Everything I teach comes from the crap that I've experienced, and praise God have learned how to fix it. Do something about it. I've had 17 bajillion failures in my life. And praise God, God has shown us how to get through stuff and fix things.

So maybe you're in the middle of a struggle yourself. It doesn't mean that you can't get help if you really want it. But here's the deal, nobody can do it for you, as I do my air quotes, you're going to have to grow, no matter what that's for sure you have to grow. But our Next-Level Life event may be the catalyst, you need to find the growth and freedom you've been looking for. So many people have experienced that. So many people who have had that transformation have learned about that, the struggles and how to overcome the struggles, but how to use them and grow from them. So if that is for you, which it's for everybody, trust me, go to ChrisLoCurto.com/next level life for more information. If there's anything you walk away from today, the most important thing I want you to get out of this transformation is the process.

Whether you're trying to help, or you're the one who's needing help, and we all need help transforming right, you can get unstuck and move forward. I promise you that. So get unstuck, let us help you, we would be glad to help you. We would be glad to help you go through this process. But the thing you need to understand is whether you are the person stuck or the person trying to help somebody get unstuck. Transformation struggles are necessary for great growth in life. You learn way more from coming out of a struggle than not having a struggle whatsoever. Oh, folks, that's all the time that we have for today. I really hope this information has helped you you know plenty of people that need to hear this. Help us to reach them, share this episode, like it, write a comment, but send this to people you know that need to hear this today. And if that's you, you might want to go through this a couple more times. And just really listen through this and really listen to this and, and just follow the steps making sure that you're doing things in a very healthy way. Well, as always, we love you guys. We appreciate you. We're so glad that you're here. This is why we do what we do. Take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life. And join us on the next episode.