People are people, no matter where you find them.
Sure we all grow up in different ways, in different situations, and even on different continents speaking different languages. But, the human condition is common to all of us.
As we continue our series examining the things that we find ourselves telling others most often, as we counsel and lead leaders and married couples, we’ve finally arrived “home”.
I’m talking about home with ourselves. So, what are the things that we find we need to coach ourselves on, as people? People with similar problems, pain, and a past history.
It’s easy to get duped into thinking that the problems we face in life are unique only to us.
But, that’s simply not true! You’re not alone and your problems are frequently the same or very similar to what others have experienced in life. There’s just not much new under the sun!
And so we find it helpful to “demystify” these shared experiences and challenges.
When we learn from others who have been in similar situations, it gives us the chance to gain perspective and grow in our understanding. So that we can live the life we were meant to live.
Today’s episode may help you to get unstuck with what’s holding you back, but not only that. It might just help you to take that next step forward into your purpose and calling.
Grace and peace,
Chris LoCurto 0:00
from years of Next-Level Life events, various counseling contexts and just having to put all this stuff into practice ourselves, what are the top things that we have to coach ourselves on? What is coming up next?
Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks, I hope you're having a fabulous day, wherever you are. We are going to have some fun today talking about the top advice and counsel that we find ourselves giving to well, ourselves. So you might have already heard the previous episodes in this miniseries, we talked about the top three things that we tell business owners, leaders, and CEOs, then we took a look at the top three things that we tell married couples, if you're in one of those categories, then do yourself a big favor and go back and listen to those two episodes. They are powerful. Those are the common things that people get coached on and advised on. And they're probably not what you think.
So after more than a decade of next-level life events, which is just crazy over 500 Next-Level Life events. And having to put all of this stuff into practice ourselves, obviously, well, before we ever started doing next-level events, we can tell you that most people tend to wrestle with very similar problems. What I think is so great about this series, is that so many people think that they are dealing with something alone, or they're experiencing something alone, are they the only ones who struggle with it, and everybody else has got it together, I can tell you that is absolutely incorrect. Some of the most difficult things that you're struggling with. Now, obviously, there's the outliers are some people dealing with things that you know, not very few people are. But for the most part, we're all experiencing a lot of the same stuff. Sure, everyone's context is different. But we're all human. And Life can be tough. Sometimes it's really tough. Almost always it's a little bit messy. I know you've been there, and you've experienced that as well. So the point is that we tend to get stuck in similar ruts, sometimes we can need a little help getting unstuck. But the problem is, is that we contend to be our own worst enemies. That is why we talk so much about battling the lies, we battle the lies with the truths, that's something that we put, you know, we set that on repeat inside of our heads. And the truths are rarely ever the opposite of the lie. The lie exists because of something you're telling yourself and you got to find out why you're telling yourself that lie. Then you battle that way with the truth. So what do we find ourselves talking about? Even when we examine our own self-talk? Well, let's find out. So the first thing that we tell ourselves is, how am I allowing our question ourselves? How am I allowing this person or this situation to affect my worth? Now, if you can imagine what we do for a living helping people, many times, it's just great, there are no struggles, but many times there are struggles. And then there's a percentage of the time, it's just flat difficult. It's flat, painful. And as you help people who are choosing to go through a process, you know, that's the great thing about next level life is that it's a choice, you know, you come through this thing, wanting growth, wanting a better life wanting to make better decisions in your life. But sometimes it's tough. You know, sometimes you're, you're facing something and you're going, I've known that that has existed, but I've just never known why and I don't know what to do with it. And so sometimes it can be a difficult situation, and you have to walk through it. Well, once in a great while, this is not common, this is not often, but once in a great while somebody will struggle with it to the point that they attack the person helping them. And so as we take a look at, you know, being able to know your worth, one of the biggest struggles that people have is is that if their worth is tied up and people are tied up in situations, then in that type of a situation, our worth could tank quickly.
Now, again, you've heard me talk about this, hopefully, you've heard me talk about this a ton of times, your worth is not in what man thinks of you. It's just not. It never should be. Your worth is and what God says about you and who God says you are and what God is doing for you and what he's been doing for you, and how long suffering he is for you and how much he's pursued your hearts, and so on, and so on, and so on and so on. There's so much more than I could possibly share in 30 seconds, right? So we have to be careful to not allow external things, to what we call to set our reality or begin dictating to us what our worth or value is, our worth comes from our Creator. So when somebody is struggling, and when somebody may go on the attack, or when somebody may blame shift or guilt transfer, anything that they're just dealing with, in struggling in that situation, one of the first things we have to do, as somebody who leads this process, is making sure we are not emotionally handcuffed to it, we have to make sure that it is not about us, we have to make sure that we are not receiving it, we have to make sure that we're strong enough to push back with healthy boundaries, which, you know, sometimes it's surprising to a person who might go on the attack, you know, who's never seen a healthy boundary before, we have to make sure that we do not allow this situation to tank our worth. And there's a difficult part about this. If we've never really met you before, and we don't know you, then it's a lot easier than if we know you. There have been people that we know dearly, and friends and people that have been a part of our lives for a long period of time, that may have this type of response. And I will tell you it sometimes it's tough, because they know us. And they know the things that we struggle with. So sometimes it's interesting to watch somebody recognize, you know, something that would be in our root system, and then go on the attack. And so you have to be in this place where you can see what's going on. Make sure you're not emotionally handcuffed to it. Make sure you put in healthy boundaries, even with people that you know, dearly. The great thing is, the ones that you do know dearly recognize because they've seen you do this before. And so they recognize the struggle pretty quickly.
So number one is making sure that we don't allow the person or the situation to affect our worth or tank our worth. How does that apply to you? Same situation, same thing. What are you dealing with? Are you becoming emotionally handcuffed to a conversation with your spouse? Are you becoming emotionally handcuffed to conversations with your kids, to your team, to your leader to your to business owner to whoever it is? I mean, folks, let's be honest. We're seeing people become emotionally handcuffed to discussions, debates arguments at a kid's baseball game, and getting into fistfights. Why? Why are you that emotionally handcuffed to that situation? Now, as I say that, you might go Yeah, that's really extreme. Chris, that's not me. Okay. To what level? Do you get emotionally handcuffed? To what level do you struggle and does your worth tank? That's what you've got to start looking at. What situations Am I in? Do I put myself in? Do I allow myself to be in that tank my worth that affects my worth? If you can get to that place and recognize that, and first off, know what your worth is from God and be able to hold on to that, then you have a great opportunity of not becoming emotionally handcuffed to the situation. Number two.
The second thing we tell ourselves is this. Am I taking on myself, the unrealistic expectations of others. So tied to the worth and value mechanism I just explained, we tend to assume or take on the expectations of others onto ourselves. Yes, you know, you do that? Yes, you know, you've experienced that. It's possible at whatever time you're listening to this, you've already done that today. Right? We take it on as if it's something that we have to do, or we have to fulfill. Now maybe it's because we're trying to please others or gain worth or approval from them or to feel accepted. But when our worth is at risk, we tend to take on more than necessary. We tend to take on other people's expectations. Now I will talk about this from one of the things that I probably experience more than anything is that accurate? I feel like this is this is something that I experienced from time to time it's not uncommon for me to be seen as a father figure. It's not uncommon to have somebody come through an event or can my team be in my family, and because of what we do for a living, and because of how we coach and help and guide and direct, quite often, I can be seen as that father figure, right. And because of that, that, to me is an honor. That, to me, is something that I, you know, treasure I, it is awkward. Sometimes if the person is three years younger than me, that's a little weird, but I still recognize it, treasure it, and try and do the best I can, in leading somebody who looks to me that way.
However, one of the things that happens when you are a father figure is that the person who's looking at you, as a father figure struggles with their father or mother, their parent, or parents, it can be decades ago, it can be current, it doesn't matter. But there's been some level of struggle that they've experienced. And they keep assigning it to me. So if I am pushing on them on something, or leading them through something that's difficult or painful, then it appears to be a lot like something they would have experienced with one of their parents or both of their parents before. Maybe they had a dad who used to rip their head off. You know, maybe they had a mom who used to pull their spine out of their back. And the pressure of a situation of me holding them accountable or pushing on them or, or whatever it is, sometimes, because they're looking at that, as that father figure, that parental role, sometimes they assigned to me, or put on my expectations that I'm going to be just like, the parent that they struggle so heavily with. Unfortunately, sometimes that comes out in accusing me of being like that person. And that's where I have to make sure that I'm not taking it on.
If I can look at the situation. And I always say and especially you know, I teach leaders, always start with you, did I do something, say something? Is this my fault? Have I treated somebody in a bad way, always go through you first. And make sure if you have to take responsibility, suck it up, buttercup, it doesn't matter, take responsibility and solve it. But if you haven't, and you start to recognize that this is the other person struggling, and they are putting these expectations on you, and it can be anything, this is just the example that I'm using, you know, maybe the expectation that they're putting on you is that you take care of them in a situation that they're perfectly capable of doing or, you know, they put responsibility on you for something that they have done, it can be a long list of things that they could be doing those expectations, right? If you recognize that it is the person struggling, and they want you to take on that expectation because they are struggling, that's where healthy boundaries have to come in again, that's where I have to make sure that I am not taking on something that isn't about me doesn't have to do with me, isn't my responsibility isn't something that I can do to help them and benefit them. You know, because sometimes people struggle, you take on certain aspects of what they're struggling with to help them through the process. But what we're talking about is, is if somebody is really trying to dump something on you because of their struggle, so as a way to assess myself, I can ask things like, Is this really what I need to be doing or going after? Or What's my motivation for doing or saying this thing that I'm saying right now? Or is my heart really free? Or am I a slave to this outcome? Right, in my handcuffed Am I emotionally handcuffed to what this outcome is? So if you can recognize those moments, and then really once again, internally, you know, gain perspective on yourself? Did you do something wrong? Did you say something wrong? Did you ask for something that's unacceptable? Did you say something that was unacceptable? Any of that stuff? If you can really take a hard look at yourself and discover Okay, legitimately, this is not me. This must be this person struggling. Can I see where they're struggling? Can I have grace in this and recognize that this is a struggle that they're having? And can I also put in healthy boundaries to make sure it doesn't come to me if you can do those things, then you will be amazed at how you will not take on unrealistic expectations of others?
Number three, and probably the most important thing that we constantly survey in ourselves because it is it's our number one motivating factor with what we do as a business. The number three thing is am I busting it for God and the people he has given me to serve. Now notice I didn't say, to lead, we lead people through Next-Level Life, we lead our team members, we lead business owners through Strat Plan, we lead leaders in our next Level Mastermind program, we lead all kinds of folks in all different kinds of ways. But for us, it's servant leadership. It's our job to serve and make people better at what they do. It's our job to make them great. Not our client's job to make us great. But first and foremost, are we busting it for God? Are we worshipping God? Our mission statement is to worship God by loving people and guiding individuals and organizations to a greater perspective. So that mission starts with us worshiping God? Do we worship God? Are we taking care? Are we busting it for God? And how do we do that loving his creation? loving people, right? And one of the things we hear all the time is you've changed my life, you've changed my life, and we say, we didn't change your life, we got you to the best perspective, you made the decision to utilize that information and change your own life. If we could change your life, oh, my gosh, we'd be in the life-changing business. I mean, we would just be stamping out life change. But it's not that simple. It's not that easy. Instead, it's helping people to get to the best perspective, and helping them to make the best decisions. But then they have to make those decisions.
So all of this can naturally lead us towards loving and serving the people that he puts in front of us. And we believe that that is an awesome responsibility. We believe it's an awesome privilege to serve others for him. But what if we're not? What if we find ourselves being selfish? What if we are not protecting ourselves and spending time with God and spending time in His Word and worshiping Him and in relationship with him? And what if we're not making sure that we're recognizing where our worth comes from and, and how much he loves us and in what he's doing for us and what he's going to do for us? Well, we could end up in a very selfish and self-centered place. I can tell you, on the rare occasion that some controlling and manipulative person goes on the attack, my brain immediately goes to thinking about me at that moment. And I have to work through that. While it's happening, process it and ask what would God wants me to do here. What's the best thing? How's this gonna help this person right now? And if I can help that person, even sometimes, giving a really hard push back with a healthy boundary, I'm telling you many times, there's a a need for me to push hard on somebody and say this is unacceptable, or move from that discussion to something else very quickly. If I can do that, and not engage and not lose worth and become emotionally handcuffed to the situation, I can keep my heart and my actions focused on God. So a way that I can assess myself because I can ask things like, Are my heart my actions really, about serving God? Are they about serving men right now? Are they about serving me? You know, am I giving it 100%? Or just doing enough to get by for now? What am I allowing to get in the way of my worshiping God? As I assess myself, as I go through these aspects, I can make sure that I am keeping my heart in the right place and my actions in the right place. And by doing so I can bust it for God. And I can bust it for the people that he's given me to serve. So here's the deal. You can't afford to ignore these three aspects. While I'm telling you, these are the things that we focus on us. You need to be doing the same, you've got to make progress right here.
You've got to work on these very things every day of your life, to strengthen you. So when you are in these situations, you know what to do. So if you need help in this, we are here. We're here to help you go through this process. Go to ChrisLoCurto.com. And take a look at what we do. Click on that section. Now whether it's Next-Level Life, for couples or Next-Level Life for an individual, do whatever it takes to get the information you need to help you. We've got a great lesson online that's absolutely free. It's called the Healthy Vineyard, and it's on our homepage at ChrisLoCurto.com. Download today, I promise this will help you. Even if you're thinking to yourself, Man, I really don't deal with those things. Chris, I don't struggle with that stuff. Do me a favor, go to Chris accardo.com, and download the healthy vineyard. Just walk through that process and see what you think. See what you experience. These tools will help you to get unstuck. They will make sure you're pressing into the three areas that I just talked about. Where's my self worth right now? What responsibility Am I taking on myself? Am I really loving and worshiping God by serving others? If you will focus on those three areas, I promise you, you will be living a considerably richer and healthier life. Well, folks, that's all the time that we have for today. I hope this information has helped you. If you know somebody who needs to hear this please share it with somebody. You know that we are trying to help people as much as possible. Please like this episode, and please leave us a comment about the episode or just the show itself. If you do that, that helps us to reach more folks. As always, take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life. And join us on the next episode.
535 | What We Tell Ourselves