357 | How Not to Get Derailed Part Two

This season demands some healthy boundaries and expectations with those you have to spend the holidays with. In this second part podcast, today I will be discussing further into creating the right balance of how we need to spend this season, fully embrace the reason and the ability to know what we can handle and when we should just walk away from toxicity.

 

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Chris LoCurto: Part two of how not to get derailed during the holidays. That is coming up next.

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are.

Welcome to the show folks. Today we are doing the second piece of how not to get derailed during the holidays. The first piece was on a not for spending, by not over committing, by not overindulging. Uh, if you have not listened to that episode, make sure you go back and listen to it. You don’t have to listen to it before this one, but it is a great, uh, well I think it was a great episode. I think it’s something that we all need to be thinking about during this time today. We are trying not to be derailed during the holiday season as we go in, spend time with, um, how do I say it?

Difficult people, maybe toxic people, unhealthy people. You might be the unhealthy person or the toxic person during this time. This tends to be a time that we spend, uh, with family, with friends, and for a lot of people. I mean, you know, we, we see it all the time and here this is what we do for a living, right? Uh, there’s a lot of folks where this time of year is not a happy time. That going and spending time with, uh, individuals who, um, treat them like crap or, uh, attack or demean or whatever. Fill in the blank is not a happy thing and it’s toxic and it’s unhealthy. And for those of you that may be the unhealthy ones, you might be listening to this and going wimps or, yeah, I know exactly what they’re talking about. Not realizing that you may be the person who’s doing that. You may be the person who attacks you, may be the person who is unhealthy or toxic. So, um, today we’re going to kind of talk about how do you deal with that? What do you do with that? Before we do that, we’re actually going to hit a little bit more on why people celebrate this season. So you get to that right after this.

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Reason for this Season.

All right. We are talking about not getting derailed during the holiday season and while we’re going to talk about how to put in some healthy boundaries and things like that, and just a bit what I wanted to hit was more of not losing sight of the reason for the season. Now, there’s no doubt Jesus was not born in December. Uh, we have plenty of evidence that says that he was not born in December. If you don’t know that by now. Um, well surprise by the way, there’s no Santa Claus either. Uh, you know, Jesus was not born in December. He was born either in the springtime or in the fall time. It was either. The key is in the Bible, As you’re reading along, what you see is the shepherds were feeding their flocks in the fields. Well, uh, if you’ve ever been to Israel or if you’ve not been to Israel, uh, what you understand when it comes to fields are, it’s a very hilly, hilly place. And when you find a field, you grow stuff in it, that’s, that’s what you do, right? So, uh, there for the sheep to be feeding in the fields means that there was nothing growing at the time, that it was okay for the sheep to come off of the hillsides and eat down in the fields, otherwise they would be walking along. And this is just so cool. The paths of righteousness to getting to a place where they could feed on Tufts of grass somewhere else. So by knowing that they were down in the fields means that nobody was growing stuff at the time. So it was either before or after a harvest. So it, we’re talking about either a springish time or in the fall time. Many people still choose to celebrate this season, um, with the context of celebrating the birth of Christ and you know, going ballistic on buying people stuff and having parties and everything like that in the name of Christ.

Gain Perspective in Celebrating.

What I want to talk about is not losing sight of why we’re celebrating. Now, People choose to celebrate this time in the name of Christ because “Jesus came to earth, he took on flesh and came with a specific purpose. Not to do his own will, but to serve and give his a ransom for many” Matthew 20:28. We celebrate this time because we know that while for a lot of us we understand that it is because of our choices, It’s because of evil. It’s because of things that we do that we needed a savior to enter this world as a child and take on all of the stupid that we have done and are and are going to do. Right. While we were yet enemies, he still took on our sins. Right. So I want you guys to be thinking about during the season, what is the most important thing for you to be focusing on? Is it the running around like crazy? Is it the spending tons of money or going into debt? Is it the parties? Is it the, you know, the stuff that you put up and hang around your house or is it because that we are sinful people, we are selfish people. We make choices that hurt us and hurt our relationship with God. And because of that, God made a way for us to have eternal life with him, that we could spend eternity with him, that we could spend eternity out of this junk. So I want you to spend time this season with your family, remembering Christ in a sacrificial death, his burial, his resurrection, and to confess his incarnation. 1 John 4:2 “By this you know the spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God”. As we look at 1 Corinthians 15: 21-26 “for as by a man came, death by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam, all die. So also in Christ shall all be made alive, but each in his own order, Christ the first fruits. Then at his coming, those who belong to Christ then comes the end. When he delivers the kingdom to God, the father, after destroying every rule, every authority and power for he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death”. This is what he came for. Hebrews 2:9 “But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering death. So that by the grace of God, he might taste death for everyone”. Hebrews 2:14-15, “Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery”.

It’s focused on Jesus.

So folks, you might be listening to this right now going, dang Chris, what are you hitting us with? Well, I’m hitting you with the Bible. I’m hitting you with the gospel, right? So during this time, what I hope that you focus on is loving your family. Um, being there for each other, enjoying your time, enjoying your life, having fun, right?, Being, um, a gift giver. But more than anything, I hope what you focus on is helping people to remember that if it’s not for Jesus, then we are screwed. Right? If it’s not for him taking on that cross Calvary’s tree where he willingly went to bear our sin so that we might live to righteousness. So as you think through this time and think about the gifts that you want to give, and you think about the fun that you want to have, and you think about the um, the month that you want to experience, here’s what I want you to focus on. Where is your focus, right? Where should it be? Because as much an enjoyment as gifts bring to you, as much pleasure as sugary pies, and cakes and cookies bring to you, there is going to be a day when none of this stuff matters. But you were standing before the one and only God, the Holy God and the joy that you experience will blow away any party that you’re going to, right? So be thankful. Remember the season, spend time in the word. Don’t spend less time in the word. Find more time in the word right. Don’t spend time filling a void with the worldly things, right? Don’t spend time trying to feel better. Feel more worthy, feel more accepted. Feel good enough by buying people stuff, by feeling responsible for their, their feelings and their happiness by attending 7,000 parties in one month. Don’t, don’t fill the void with the worldly stuff.

Spend time with your, your heavenly father. Spend time with the one and only who has your eternity in his hands. Spend time with the one who loved you well before he made you that he had already had a plan for you to be spending eternity with him. So remember the season. Remember what you’re, why you’re celebrating. Remember, you know, or maybe stop it. Ask the question, why do I celebrate this time? For some of you a lot. You know, there’s people that follow the show that aren’t believers. Ask the question, why follow this time? Why? What is, what’s the celebration for? So whether you’re a believer or not a believer, ask yourself the question, why am I celebrating this time? And hopefully what you come down to is because I am so incredibly thankful, not because of what man has done, not because what man has put in place.

Again, like I said, this actually is not the birth of Jesus’, you know this. This is not the time of Jesus’s birth. You know, so I’m not, don’t look at the manly, the the human stuff. Why are you celebrating Christ’s birth? What is the purpose and if the purpose is because you have the one and only loving God, then focus on Spending more time on him. Focus. Spending more time on growing closer to him. Focus on spending more time on gaining that joy that comes from understanding that no matter what situation or circumstance you are in in life, there is a time you transition from this to being with Christ. We’re going to talk more about less about this stuff and more about what do you do when you’re around other people. When we come back right after this:

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Juggling Your Time with People.

We are back and some of you might be going man, that was so heavy and deepen. Tough, good. Let it be, um, really let it overpower some of the decisions you normally make in the December season than on focusing on stuff and plastic crap. Right now we’re talking about spending time with people. Now some of you are going to be spending time with families and you know you’re going to do it. Uh, some of you are choosing not to spend time with families. I can’t tell you whether that’s good or bad. Um, for those of us that are believers, we are called to make peace. No, we’re supposed to be, uh, making peace with other believers. And so if you’re, if you have a family that calls itself Christian, but when you get there, it becomes very toxic. Remember, you’re called for peace. So make those decisions how you make them. Uh, but what happens when you do get around people that are unhealthy and toxic? The first thing I am going to hit this is to all believers. And I don’t care if you agree with me or not. If you disagree, then get your face in God’s word and prove me wrong. Prove yourself right. There’s one thing that God is very focused on and it’s one of his 10 commandments, and that is that you are to honor your mother and father. Now, do not be confused by what honoring your mother and father means. So I’m going to talk, I’m going to lay this out a little bit, right? You are to honor them, which means that you don’t do stuff against them. You don’t, you don’t rip on your parents. You don’t, uh, have arguments with your parents. You try hard not to have arguments or fight or you know, call them by their first names or do things that dishonor them.

Healthy Boundaries.

None of that means that you go along with toxic or unhealthy behavior. So do not combine these two, right? So if you have very toxic parents or if you have very unhealthy parents, it does not mean that you follow suit. It doesn’t mean that you put yourself in a bad situation with them. It doesn’t mean that you put your kids in a bad situation with them. What it does mean is that you don’t treat them like crap even if they’re just flat wrong, even if they’re just flat toxic. Now I know I’m speaking to a lot of folks that have come through Next Level Life. A lot of folks that have come through a bunch of the stuff that we do, and a lot of folks have phenomenal parents and they love spending time with their families and they love spending time with their parents. But I’m speaking to those that really struggle in this area because you know that going and spending time with certain family members is unhealthy. It’s not good. It’s not good for you. Um, many folks have people that do nothing but attack and rail and demean and, and uh, column names and in joking ways controlling and treat their kids like junk, right? If that’s what you experienced, then you have to ask yourself a question, what are healthy boundaries with those people gonna look like? But first you have to recognize what does it look like to not dishonor them? How does it look to honor them? One of the reasons this is so important to your Father in heaven, who is your true father is because he kind of looks on it. The way you treat your parents is how you look at him as how you view him, right? And he is not your parents, your earthly parents. He is your heavenly father. He is your true parent. He is the one that is mistakeless, right? He is, he is not a fallible. He is the infallible, right? So as you look at your parents and as you treat them, he has put a moral law in place to honor your mother and your father. He did not put a moral law in place that you follow suit into unhealthiness and toxicity. So make right decisions. If you have parents that are doing really crappy things to you, don’t fight back. Don’t rip their heads off. Don’t get in arguments with them. Bite your tongue until you’re bleeding and remove yourself from the situation. Do something to remove yourself from the situation you are an adult you are capable of doing so. Ah, but then they’ll just yell at me and call me names and tell me how horrible I am on the way out.

Okay, then allow it. But get out. Remove yourself. Put yourself in a healthier situation. You are not supposed to be hanging around toxicity because there’s some sort of honor to it. There is not. That is not honoring your parents by enabling them to treat you like crap, right? And right now I’m only talking about the parents, right? We’re talking about the honoring side. Cause God didn’t put a line in there that said honor your brother and your sister. He didn’t put a law in there that says honor your cousins. He said, your mom and your dad, right? So this is an important piece. You could probably put in some considerably healthier boundaries with, uh, other family members. But right now I want you to understand if you have those parents or a parent that is just unhealthy and toxic. Do what you can. But if it becomes unhealthy or toxic, remove yourself from the situation. It is okay to put in certain healthy boundaries with your parents of saying, Hey, listen, I’m not going to receive this. I’m not, that’s not acceptable. I’m, you know, I’m just gonna go ahead and, and take off now because I’m not going to stand here and have you call me names and all that kind of stuff and then go remove yourself from the situation. Because what’s going to happen if you stay there? Eventually you’re going to blow your top right? Eventually you’re going to fight back. Eventually. You’re going to argue back. That’s not doing anybody any good. So parent-wise honor, do not enable toxicity, right? Get that. Make sure that you’ve got that straight. What about everybody else? What about my uncle Joe? Uh, who’s gonna get drunk? And, and you know, gosh, it surprises me some of the stories that I hear that I just never realized that people experience and families folks, it is okay for you to put in healthy boundaries with toxic, unhealthy people, right?

So once we move past the parents who put your healthy boundaries in place with their parents if you need to, but there’s nothing wrong if you’ve got disgusting uncle Joe, uh, who’s a total, you know, dirt bag, um, that you’ve got to say specific things of putting in healthy boundaries. You are not going to talk to me this way. You’re not going to do this. I am not going to receive this crap. I’m not going to allow you to whatever. If you are in a situation and people become toxic and unhealthy, make the smart decision for you. Now caveat, if you’re the one who spuring on the toxicity in the unhealthiness, well guess what? You deserve it then, right? Because you shouldn’t be trying to create the crap you shouldn’t. You should be making peace, right? So don’t go in there and start stirring up a whole bunch of junk and then feel like you now somebody is attacking you and you’ve got to put in healthy boundaries.

Be Prepared.

I’m talking about if you’re going in peacefully and somebody who’s being a dork, then stop and watch it like a movie. You know what’s going to happen. You know how they’re going to respond. You already know because you’ve experienced this before, otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about it, right? So if you go in and you know so-and-so, your brother, your sister, your uncle, your whoever, your aunt is going to be a dork, know what’s coming. Be peaceful, be peaceful, be peaceful. When they swing it, don’t receive it. Don’t accept it. Just give it right back to them. I’m sorry. You can keep that. I’m not going to receive that. That’s a lie. Or I’m sorry, I’m not going to, I’m not going to receive that. That’s, you know, whatever. So here’s the deal. Don’t let people sit your reality, right? Don’t let them hurt you. Here’s what we’re going to talk about on the next episode. Coming up next week, we’re going to be talking about how hurt people hurt people. So we’re going to get, we’re going to dive into the things I’m telling you about right now. We’re going to go deeper dive into that kind of stuff. So make sure you come back and listen to that episode. Understand that it’s okay for you to say, I’m worth more than staying here and taking on this crap. I am worth more than allowing somebody to demean me, to rip me apart, to talk badly, to me, to guilt the daylights out of me, uh, to set my reality and tell me that I’m the horrible person when literally I’ve done nothing coming into this situation. And again, those are caveats saying, Hey, you’re coming in, being peaceful, right? If you’re coming in being the jerk, well then don’t be surprised if people are setting healthy boundaries with you, then that might be an indicator, right? So just don’t allow it. Understand that it’s O K to say no. It’s okay to say enough is enough. It’s okay to say I’m not going to receive that. And it’s okay to say I’m not gonna allow you to set my reality. It’s okay just to be honest with you. If you’re not doing anything wrong, if you’re not being a jerk yourself, if you’re being peaceful, if you’re being kind and somebody is doing this, remove yourself from the situation.

Find Healthy People.

Help you go be around healthy people. I’m not saying don’t go to family functions. I’m not saying don’t, you know, completely write off your parents or people. I’m not saying that at all. And especially to those of you that have fantastic family, spend as much time as you can around. What I’m saying is to those of you that are dealing with some toxic peeps, um, find some people to surround yourself with.Find an ecclesia of people who are seeking God and seeking, you know, to be more peaceful and to have a greater relationship with him and to be more Christ like, find those people to spend time with because that’s going to be the place where you get stronger and more healthy. Spend way more time with God. Spend more time in his word. So prepare yourself, prepare yourself as you go to some of these parties, prepare yourself as you go to some of these, uh, you know, I dunno, family reunions, I don’t, I don’t know if anybody does a family reunion at this time, but you know, these times when you are reunited with some potentially toxic folks, go prepared. Go watching it like a movie. If it does happen, then put healthy boundaries in place. If it gets really toxic, remove yourself from the situation. Don’t allow it to continue.

If you do that, then you can keep yourself from being derailed during this holiday season. If you focus on what I shared on the front side of the show, if you focus on the reason for the season, if you focus on, you know, being very grateful and thankful for the birth of Christ, which again, didn’t happen during the season time. But anyways, uh, if you are very thankful and grateful that God bore the cross and took your sins away, then it makes it much more difficult to hang around unhealthy and toxic people. It makes it much more important for you to put healthy things in life. Focus on that. Focus on God. Focus on Jesus, our Lord and savior. Focus on the King of the universe. The more you do that, the more you focus on being grateful and thankful. The more this will be the best season as opposed to or what it’s been for some of you so many times in the past, which is a really tough and painful season. Well, folks, hopefully this has helped you today. Again, we’re going to do a deeper dive next week on, uh, the on the show talking about how hurt people hurt people. Uh, we will get further into this and give you some more understanding behind this. So we hope that you join us then. Hopefully this has helped you today. Take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life, and join us on the next episode.