358 | Hurt People Hurt People

There is a big chance during this Holiday Season you have been hurt by someone- and that someone is most likely going through a bunch of hurt themselves. This podcast, I get into the understanding that hurt people hurt people and how we can enable correct boundaries when we see this happening around us and in our own lives.

For full transcript, continue reading:

Chris LoCurto:

Hurt people, hurt people. That is coming up next. Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are.

Intro to Hurt People Hurt People.

Welcome to the show folks. So glad that you’re joining us with the title that you just talking about how hurt people hurt people. Hey, you’re still with us. That’s good. Uh, today we are, this is kind of a, it’s almost like a three part thing that we’re doing this month where we’re following up on, you know, the first we did the past two shows that we’re not becoming over extended, you know, during this season. And we’re rolling into a very important piece as we’re spending time, a lot of us are spending time with great loved ones. A lot of us are spending time with phenomenal people and fantastic family and it’s awesome. And then some folks are not, some folks are either spending time with uh, some unhealthy folks or some toxic people. Um, or you might be listening to this, you know, months later and you, the reason why you don’t go and spend time with family or relatives is because of, um, you know, some of the toxicity and some of the hurts. So today we’re talking about how hurt people hurt people. Uh, as you come into our building, into our events space, there is a great sign above the doorway, uh, that was made by, um, a, uh, next level life attendee years ago. And he went after his even, he went home and made this wood piece and painted on it. Uh, hurt people, hurt people. And that has been above that doorframe ever since. It’s just a reminder of many things. For those of us that are believers, it’s a reminder that we live in a fallen world. You know, that we live in a, in a, uh, painful world. Um, for others. It’s a reminder that, you know, sometimes when somebody is trying to hurt you or choosing to hurt you, that there’s more to it. That it’s not just you necessarily. It might be you. It might be something that you’re doing to hurt them, but a lot of situations what we discover is many times that’s not the reason. So we’re going to dive into this and I want to rock through a bunch of different points to help you to understand what’s going on with hurt people hurting people. We’ll be back after this:

Next Level Life

Next Level Life is our two day personal discovery experience. It’s a one on one personalized event where we guide you through a process to help you discover your root system, to get unstuck in life and to discover what’s holding you back from freedom and peace. Imagine this, what if you could wake up every morning with a clear purpose? What would it look like to have healthier relationships with less conflict? Where would you be in a few months, a year, five years if you had clarity, purpose and peace. Probably a big difference from where you stand today. Now I know it’s possible because I’ve been where you are asking myself is there more? There is and there is a better way and it starts with next level life. You can go to chrislocurto.com/discover to take the next step. Now, if you’re struggling with discontentment, regret, or not feeling good enough, which most of you are, if you’re filled with anxiety or your relationships are lacking, don’t keep going through the same motions every single day. Learn how to move past the things, robbing you of peace. Go to chrislocurto.com/discover and take the next step.

They don’t want to hurt- they are hurting.

All right, we are back. So when people hurt other folks, it’s, it’s usually not because they want to. It’s not like this is something that I’m just like, Hey, today’s going great, man, I’d really love to hurt somebody right now that doesn’t have, it’s not just a desire to hurt somebody. So often we can assume that people want to be jerk, so they’re purposefully trying to hurt us and they’re not. Sometimes it’s true, but not the majority of the time. Every now and then somebody is just so toxic that they have to hurt somebody else. But the reasons are still all around the same kind of, uh, of idea, that same kind of reason. And that is because they are hurting. They are struggling. There is something when somebody intentionally hurts somebody else, when somebody, and I’m not talking about the, Hey, you accidentally say something that you know, it came out one way when you met in another way and you had no clue that it was going to hurt somebody. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the intentionality behind hurting others. Like somebody walks in the door at a, at a, you know, at a family gathering and the first thing you say is, “Wow, it’s just like the rest of your life. You never could show up on time wonder when that’s ever going to change”. Right. I mean, that’s just ridiculous. That’s the first thing that I could, I could come up with off the top of my head. Or you’re sitting there at dinner and somebody who’s like, “So still seeing so-and-so never going to make a good decision. Are you? Yeah. You’re never going to be with somebody who’s”, you know, I don’t know. Whatever the crap is that you hear, whatever you experience. Um, the reason why they’re doing that, the reason why they are hurting others, the reason why they’re calling people out or making those comments is not because they just enjoy being jerks. It’s because they’re struggling inside. It’s because they’re insecure themselves. It’s because they are feeling the need to point at somebody else and cause pain because the pain that they are experiencing. So you may get frustrated with yourself by not understanding why in the moment, but what you need to understand is, is that it’s actually way less about you. Now, again, caveat on this. If you’re being a peaceable person and you’re not trying to create problems and all that kind of stuff and you’re not doing stupid, this is just flying out of left field, then it actually has way less to do with you. And it has to do more with the fact that they are hurting. So why to hurt people, hurt people? Well, when you can’t fix you, when you’re frustrated with the broken person inside of you, you get really frustrated with people in your life. A great quote. I don’t actually don’t know who this came from, but a great quote was, “Criticism of others is an oblique form of self commendation”. We think we make the picture hang straight on our wall by telling our neighbor that his pictures are crooked, that all of his pictures are crooked. The more that we could point out to somebody else, Hey, this is a problem that you’ve got. This is something that’s wrong with you. The more we feel like we’re actually, um, making ourselves okay, that if we can point out that there’s something wrong with you, if we can create something, if we can set your reality, if we can, whatever, then we can feel better about ourselves because we’re struggling inside because we’re hurting inside. So if I don’t like my life, then I don’t have a problem pointing out all the bad things in your life because I’m struggling with me.

The Attacking.

The crazy thing is for those of us that are receiving this crap, we automatically receive it and assume that it actually is about us. When really, The crazy part is it’s actually not rarely is it actually about the person who’s being attacked or hurt, uh, or having their reality set. It’s almost always all about the person who’s doing the attacking, right? Caveat again, if you’re being peaceful, so when a person feels out of control, they try to usually gain control of two types of things. If a person is feeling out of control that try to control people or they try to control outcomes and more than not, what you find is the more toxic, they’re definitely trying to control the people, right? And so if somebody can set your reality and tell you that you’re a horrible person and you receive it, then they actually feel like there is this crazy, insane win on their side. They actually feel like they gained control by taking control from you. If somebody can be controlling, manipulative, abusive to you and you receive it and respond, then they have convinced themselves that they have regained control because that’s the goal. The problem is you don’t know how to not receive it. If you came into a family, a dinner and you know, you drive up in your, I don’t know what you drive up in your, your Ford pickup truck. I don’t care. And I’m sitting there going forward, huh? Which by the way, I used to own a Ford. I’ve owned a Ford and a Chevy a, I’m looking out there and I’m going forward, “Huh? Shows the uh, the kind of choices you make in life. Right? And why would anybody choose such a stupid vehicle? What a horrible kind of vehicle. Right?” And if I’m, by the way, I do not think the Fords are stupid, so don’t jump there. The concept of what I’m doing right now is that it puts the person in a place where they immediately feel like they have to defend themselves. They immediately feel like they’ve made a horrible decision or they’re a bad person, or their truck decision is not smart or, or, or, and they feel not good enough, not worthy enough. The person who’s attacking of the truck and the decision on the truck is not necessarily attacking the decision on the truck because they really truly believe that that brand of vehicle is not a good one. It’s because it’s the thing that they see that they can control the other person with. So if they believe by tacking your vehicle brand choice that you’re going to struggle with it, that you’re going to suffer with it, that you’re going to become defensive and that you’re going to receive what they did, then they will attack.

It’s the craziest thing and it’s one of the saddest and funniest things to watch at the same time. The first time you actually put healthy boundaries in place and go, Hey, uh, I really didn’t come here to hear your opinion about my vehicle. I really didn’t come here to, uh, listen to you talk about me making bad choices with kinds of cars that I buy. I happened to love my car, so let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about something else. I don’t receive that. I made a bad decision with my vehicle choice. It is funny to watch the person respond with what do you mean you don’t receive it? Because in their mind they’re just right and they need control and you’ve now not allowed them to take that control. So when you put that healthy boundary in place, it causes them to really reevaluate whether or not they take the risk again to try and make you look stupid. Whether or not they take their risk again to try in in their minds, in air quotes, take control from you. When you put healthy boundaries in place, the problem is if you don’t know how to manage your emotions and you don’t know how to not receive crap, that’s you know, attack of somebody that is being out of control, then you will receive the very thing that they’re saying or you will get defensive or you will fight back. And then you’re feeding right into the very thing that they want. They are miserable. Thus the reason for attacking you and now you’re feeding into that misery because now you’re miserable. So we’re going to talk, uh, about what you should do when we come back right after this.

Next Level Life Live Event.

I’ve never seen a leader that’s had everything that they wanted. Out of thousands of leaders that I’ve coached most are probably a lot like you. You wish you saw greater productivity and less drama from your team, that you didn’t spend your energy putting out fires, that you had more time to invest in your family and the things that you enjoy and you felt more equipped to lead your team to success. The only thing that’s holding leaders back from the results they desire is having the right tools and you can get those tools at the Next Level Leadership Live Event. So if you’re young, old, new, experienced, struggling, or really successful, this event is for anyone who is ready to learn from 25 years of best practices that get proven results. It’s not about short term fixes. In three days. I’m going to teach you how to have sustained revenue growth, to generate greater productivity from your team, and get immediate momentum toward the results that you want. It’s going to be detailed, practical in loaded with how twos from the lessons we’re teaching, our clients have seen an average of 46% increase in gross profit in one year’s time. That’s one year’s time. These clients run normal everyday businesses and your business can have the same level of success. So if you’re ready to see those results, go to chrislocurto.com/events and get your tail to this event and invest in your leadership and your business. That’s chrislocurto.com/events I can’t wait to see you there.

How You Can Receive It.

All right, we are talking about hurt people, hurting people, and now we’re going to talk about things that you can do. So the first thing I want you to focus on, and by the way, uh, keep a mind, uh, when I say focus on you, you’re not hearing me saying the same things that a lot of thought leaders are saying out there that are make everything in your life about you. There is ridiculous thought leaders that are out there right now that are telling you to go stand on the mountaintop and scream to the world who you are and you deserve this and you this and you this, and it is incredibly so focused and self-centered. That’s not what you’re hearing from me, so please do not let me in with them because I do not believe that that’s the way it should be. I do not believe you should be self centered and self focused. I believe you should be focused on God. I believe you should take care of yourself in a healthy way, not in a self centered focused. I’m the center of the universe kind of way, so I want you to focus on you. If you’re struggling with things or if you’re frustrated with things in your life, then you might not be able to manage your emotions for how you respond to people. You might be somebody who is hurting others as well. You’re probably responding with hurt because you hurt. It’s very possible that you might be the one who’s throwing out the barbs, who’s throwing out the, the attacks, who’s manipulating. So first thing I want you to do is focus on you because we continue in patterns and sometimes we hurt others because we don’t understand ourselves. We don’t get that we’re frustrated with something. We don’t get that we’re struggling with something. There are times I can look back over my life when I found myself being, you know, bitter for a period of time and then stopping and going, why in the world am I bitter? And then realizing that I was struggling through something or didn’t understand something or was having a problem with something or, or wasn’t getting my way somehow and then had to work through the healthy side and the healthy response to that. So first thing I want you to do is take a look at you. What are you dealing with? What are you experiencing? Are there struggles that you’re feeling? Are you hurting other people because of the pain in the hurt that you have? Sometimes what we do is we want to isolate ourselves. We want to cause ourselves to, you know, live in the muck and the mire because we hate life.

We hate what we’re going through. We hate what we’re experiencing. If that’s you and we’re hoping that somebody comes rescues us, but you know, we’re still just going to live in that junk until somebody does something or we just get fed up with it, right? If that’s you, if that’s what you’re experiencing in life, if, if life isn’t what you want, if it isn’t going the way you want, if you’re not happy, then guess what? There’s a really good chance you’re hurt and therefore you’re hurting others. If you are, then the hurting the other people is actually not helping you. It’s not getting you to a better place. You can even convince yourself that in the moment, Oh, I feel much better. Oh, it totally helps. I feel really good for about 37 seconds. Well, good for you, but now you’ve hurt somebody else. Right now you’ve heard one of God’s kids. Instead focus on how do I fix the junk? How do I fix the things that I’m experiencing? Chris, this didn’t go the way I thought I would how you’re going to tell me all about how I fix the people that are hurting me. We’re going to talk a little bit about that. We’ll get there, but here’s what I want you to understand. It may be you and so you may be living in the same patterns. You may experiencing the same patterns, right? If you are struggling, if you are frustrated with things in life, if you are, if there are things in your passage you don’t understand, then being around somebody else who’s hurt, you’re not going to be able to handle your emotions very well. You won’t be able to manage you very well, so let’s focus on you and get you healthy. If you are not experiencing those things, then an amazing thing happens. You’re in a much stronger position when somebody tries to hurt you to not receive their crap, to understand that they are hurting, to understand that they’re using that to try and feel better about themselves. If that happens, then you can put healthy boundaries in place. Hey, I see you just attacked my truck decision. Is everything okay? Is there anything, is there anything or I’ll, no, nothing wrong. I just think it’s a stupid decision. Okay, well, uh, you can keep your opinions to yourself, but how are you feeling? How are you doing in life? What are you experiencing right now? Is there anything I can help you through, right? Now, chances are they may not respond well to that at all. But the funny thing is, uh, I do this for a living and more than not, people all of a sudden realize that you see something that they didn’t think you could and they start to tear down the walls a little bit. So start with you, start focusing on you. Next thing I want you to do is take inventory of the people around you, right? There probably are people around you that are struggling with this right now. Um, so be aware of the people around you. Who were the folks that are struggling with things in life. Who are the folks that are experiencing crap, who are going through tough times, who are, you know, life just isn’t so good right now. How are you responding to them? Are you taking things personally? Are you responding to whatever they do personally? If they’re hurting and they’re struggling, why are you responding to it personally? Why are you making it about you? Be aware of what they’re going through. Be aware that they’re hurting, that they’re struggling and do not enable it. It doesn’t mean that you don’t come along lovingly.

Don’t Enable.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t come along and hold their arms up, but don’t enable. And if they attack or if they manipulate or they control or you know, do what is set your reality in a bad way. Be emotionally strong enough to realize that’s actually not really about you. That’s about them. Because when people attack, it’s less about the person they’re attacking and it’s way more about them. Right? So understand you can control your responses to them. You do not have to take things personally. You can be kind instead of letting it, you know, blow you up or set you off, right? So there’s many times that people want me to know that they are hurting and if I don’t respond the way they want, then they attack. Or they, you know, they try and you know, dig a little knife in there, right?Throw some barbs out there. And what I do is I push back, Hey, well what was your intention there? What’s your goal? Are you, why’d you just say that? Or are you trying to hurt me? Which, what are you experiencing right now? And pretty quickly they realize, okay, Chris is going to help instead of hurt. So take a hard look at the people around you. Take an inventory. How can you lean in the direction of those around you that are struggling? How can you lean in the direction of those that are, are going through pain? How can you not enable them in their junk but be supportive? And then what I mean by not enabling them in their junk is, is that if all they want to do is, is complain, complain, complain, and they call it venting, which, Oh my gosh, it’s so stupid.  Let me complain about every problem in my life right now. And you just listen to me and tell me how good I am. Folks, don’t do it. Don’t do it. Point them to fixes, point them to solutions. Sometimes you just need to listen, but just don’t enable, right? Because you can’t fix it most likely. If somebody’s struggling with something or hurt in life, most likely you’re not going to be able to fix it. But you can guide them to greater perspective. So as you look at those people around you that may be hurting and you may, it may even be a spouse that’s really struggling right now or, or something that, that, that’s going on, um, or somebody who’s had like the same problem over and over and over for years and you keep telling them about it, right? It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them, it’s not going to change anything until we get to the root of it. So, um, until you understand the root, why, what’s going on, the root, what is not really the surface level, what is really not gonna matter, right? So let’s try and help people to get to an understanding of the why that is what we do in Next Level Life, all the time. Our goal is to help people to really understand those struggles, those things that they’re hurting with those things that they’re experiencing, by driving them to understanding where it’s coming from and why it’s there. So a big suggestion. Get your butt to Next Level Life, right? Make sure that you get to Next Level Life. There’s a lot of you out there that are listening to this that are like, man, I know I should have gone for years. Get your butt in. It’s, it’s really one of the most powerful things you will ever experience in your life or help somebody else that’s been hurting to get into it.

So, um, folks, take a hard look at you today. Realize that when people are struggling, that if they’re hurting, if they’re taking hot shots, if they are setting realities, if they’re controlling, manipulating, if they’re hurting others, hurt people, hurt people for the reason that they are hurting inside. So work hard not to take it personally. If it’s you work hard to discover, why am I struggling with this? Uh, many of you need to get your butts here and go through next level life and that will help you immensely to overcome a lot of this as well as set some really healthy boundaries. So hopefully this has helped you today. Thank you for joining me. I hope it hasserved you well. I encourage you to subscribe, rate, and share the podcast to help more people get this kind of information to help them in their lives. So as always, take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life, and join us on the next episode.