453 | Self-Sabotaging Your Authenticity

Chris LoCurto 0:00
Why you might be your own worst enemy and the one responsible for holding your own self back from realizing your true potential, that is coming up next.

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are.

Welcome to the show, folks. Hope you're having a fabulous day wherever you are. Really quickly before we get into all of this amazing information. Today, I want to remind you about the Next-Level Leadership LIVE Event that is coming up soon. So, if you are a business owner, or a leader, this event was designed for you. Now this is our premier once a year event that is open to the public, so you do not want to miss it. Now this year, we will have even more of what you love, both leadership and life lessons. Right now we're in the extreme early bird phase where you can save 30% on your tickets, just go to Chris locurto.com/nextlevelleadership to reserve your seats today. Okay, so today, we are talking about how we can be our own worst enemies, and how we can hold ourselves back from realizing the lives we're meant to live. Now here's what I mean by that. We can self-sabotage ourselves and hold ourselves back from the future. There's so many things that God wants for us. He's got a plan for us that is so much better than we can possibly imagine. We know that when we actually let go and let Him walk that out when we focus on Him and focus on following Him instead of trying to set our future up the way that we want it to be. Now, listen, as I say that some of your going wait a second, don't you...don't you think we should set goals? Don't you think we should do abso-stinking-lutely. But here's what I want you to do more than anything, I want you to focus on what God's will for your life is, right? Not just your will for your life. God's not really impressed with our own individual wills. What He wants us to do is to seek Him and find out the future that He has for us. Because let me tell you, after 51 years of life, I can tell you, every single time I go after what He has, for me, it's way better than the plans that I have. But there's many times I have self sabotaged and held myself back from the future that he has. Another thing we can do is hold ourselves back from being the true authentic version of ourselves. And we're going to talk about more on that in just a minute. Or even just functioning in a healthy happy capacity on a daily basis. When we self-sabotage then we keep ourselves from being the one thing that we actually want to be, which is happy, right? Now, keep in mind happiness is a choice. It's not something that just it's not a random emotion or feeling. It's something you choose to be. But when you choose to self-sabotage, you're choosing not to be happy. You're choosing to focus on things that are going to hurt you, you're choosing to focus on things that are keeping you from being in a good healthy capacity every single day. Now, what is self sabotage? Well, self sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. From getting on with your life, from your family, from your mission in ministry, from your purpose in life, right? When you have these thoughts, when you have these behaviors that are sabotaging you, then it's keeping you from being who you want to be, who you desire to be. So what are some examples, Chris? Tell us some stuff that you know, we could possibly think about. Well, constant procrastination is one self deprecation, arguing over things or very little importance, arguing over things of even decent importance. Just arguing, self-medication, drugs, alcohol, comfort eating...that was a thing that I struggled with a lot when I was younger, was that I was an emotional eater. Seeking the approval of others is massive. Being a people pleaser is massive. Allowing yourself to receive the controlling and manipulative judgment of others. I'm sure a lot of you understand that when people are suggesting to you that you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're complete failure, whatever it is when you receive those things from somebody. And it's more controlling manipulation. It's not the constructive, helpful input, you know? A lot of folks come to us to find constructive helpful input, even though a lot of times it's painful, right? A lot of times it's difficult. That's not self-sabotage, that's seeking somebody who's not trying to take from you that seeking somebody who is able to look at your situation, the choices you're making, and say, "Hey, here's what's helping you, here's what's not", as opposed to allowing those folks who just want to take you down a notch or 17. And they're destructive input and information. So what are some indicators that maybe you're trying to kind of recognize this kind of behavior, this kind of self sabotaging behavior, or self sabotaging thought processes? So think about this, have you ever asked yourself questions like, Why do I keep doing this same thing? Why do I keep doing x? Right? If it's something that's good, and it's something that's, you know, productive for you, it's not bad, then you're probably not asking yourself, Why do I keep doing that? You're probably happy that you're doing it. But you know that there's things in life that you go, why do I keep doing that? If we look at Paul, the apostle Paul, even he was saying, Listen, I do the things I don't want to do, and I don't do the things I want to do. Right? How many times in your life? Have you asked yourself? Why do I keep doing that? Why does that keep happening? Or things like, when will I learn that this isn't the answer? Or this isn't the way or this isn't the thing I should be focusing on? Or how many times will I keep doing this? How come this keeps happening to me? Why do I keep ending up here? Why do I keep ending up in this same exact place? Now, if any of this sounds familiar, then you're probably self-sabotaging. You might ask yourself these questions, when you feel trapped, and in patterns or situations that create problems in your life, and keep you from achieving the things that you desire, like the goals that you have set, right? You find you're moving in this direction of, of accomplishing something, and all of a sudden you do something, you think something, you have a behavior that affects that and knocks you back a few steps, right? Although you try to make changes and disrupt these patterns, somehow you end up in the same place over and over and over again, folks, listen, I get it. So much of what we teach and do comes from the mistakes and the crap that I've done in my own life. And just learning God teaching me and teaching us on how to overcome these things, how to get past these things. So if, as I'm talking through this, this is just really ringing a bell for you, right? And it probably is with everybody who's listening. I've been there. There still times in my life, the guy who teaches this for a living has moments of going Dude, what are you doing? Right? I've got to put the tools in place I've got to, to fix the self sabotage from, from time to time now, praise God, it is nowhere near what it was in my younger years. But that's because of doing the things that we're going to talk about. And, you know, using the tools that we talked about. So if this is you, then that means the authentic version of yourself is fighting to break free. If you find yourself asking these questions, if you find yourself recognizing that these things are happening, then the authentic version of you is trying to do something it just doesn't know what to do. So when we come back, what it really means to be authentic and to discover what's holding you back from it.

Speaker 2 8:59
Freedom, it's so powerful,

Unknown Speaker 9:01
I felt rejuvenated, almost renewed,

Speaker 2 9:03
I just felt so welcomed and loved and accepted for who I am and not an ounce of judgment. So I was very comfortable there that had a really big impact on me, it's going to be worth it. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be even better on the other side.

Unknown Speaker 9:21
For me. It was just, it was just very refreshing. And I want to say life really, for me and really was,

Speaker 2 9:27
you know, I would go to Next-Level Life again. And probably again, and probably again, because it's so powerful.

Chris LoCurto 9:35
I want you to ask yourself a question. Could you hear the sense of hope and freedom and their voices just then? I want you to know that could be you. Look, it's easy to get trapped in old habits, negative thought patterns and unhealthy relationships. It's gonna take some work but yes, there is hope for you. If you want to experience the same kind of life transformation, this same kind of self-awareness and freedom that they have or maybe you're just curious what the process would look like for you, then head on over to Chrislocurto.com/nextlevellife.

So what is authenticity? Now there's a, there's a lot of buzz from self help gurus nowadays about living an authentic life. And a lot of the time they want to speak your truth, as I do my air quotes and not hold back, well, I want to dig a little bit deeper, right? There, the the buzzword of authenticity doesn't mean a whole lot, if you don't actually get to understand what it means to be authentic, what is the authentic version of you. So authenticity is really about becoming very aware of who you are beyond what you do for a living. We're talking about the things that bring you joy in life, we're talking about the things that motivate you, your greatest desires, that you're the gifts and talents that you have the things that you stand for the principles, the values, and then expressing yourself, honestly and transparently. Right now, I'm not saying that you got to go show all of your authentic self to the world, right? But living in that authenticity is a big piece of it, right? So what we tend to find, especially through Next- Level Life, what we tend to discover is, there is the authentic self. And there is the surface level self. Every single person, I say we tend to find every single time, every event 400, and some odd events that we've done, every time, what we see is there is this surface level version of who we are, that we respond to things we respond to people we respond to situations with. And then we discover the authentic version. And it's one of the most powerful pieces of every Next-Level Life when somebody can look up and go, that is authentically me. Not this piece over here and not the surface level responses, not these lies that I keep telling myself and believing. But this over here, and then we always has the question, then why do you keep living this way? It's rhetorical, we understand why we're walking through it an individual process with somebody, right? And the great thing is, is at this point, you're able to go now I can see why I'm doing that. So let's take a healthy authenticity, self-evaluation. So, if you're living a healthy, authentic life, then you might enjoy or routinely do some of the following things. Make decisions that align with your values, and beliefs. Now, as I say that, probably most everybody listening to this is going well, of course I do that. Really? Are you sure? If you do, then there's no way you're asking the questions. Why do I keep doing this? How can I keep ending up here? How can I keep you know, being in the same situation over and over and over again, right? Again, keep in mind, I've been there, I know what it's like, right? So it's not something to be ashamed of, it's not something to hide from. The whole goal is if we can get to this information, then we can learn what to do with the information. So take a hard look, ask yourself, How many times do you make decisions that do align with your values and beliefs? And then how many times do you make decisions that don't? Right? The times that we are making those decisions that do align, then we are being more of our authentic self? How many times do you pursue your passions, dreams, goals in life? Right now, as I talked about, at the front of the show, God has a really, but much better plan for your life than you do. Right? I can tell you as somebody who has, and I still get these questions to this day, Chris, how do you trust? How do you move forward and with what He's doing and not take control? And it's because of the experience of, of recognizing that when I do let go of control? He does a much better job with my life than I do. Right? So when I am talking about pursuing passions, dreams and goals in life, what I mean is the ones that align with God. I am not saying going and building an empire to yourself. I'm not saying going and trying to make yourself famous and putting yourself on a pedestal in front of man. I'm talking about those things that align with God. When you do that, then, for us the actual true authentic identity for those of us that are believers, is as a citizen of heaven is as one of His children, right? So if it aligns with what He's wanting, then we're being more of that authentic self. How many times do you listen to that inner voice that is guiding you? Now, we would say there is you. But there's also for again, for those that are believers that the Holy Spirit is guiding you as well. How many times? Are you hearing that, responding to that? Adjusting decisions accordingly to that? Or how many times do you shut it off? And go? Nope, not gonna listen to that. Right. I've done that a bajillion times. How many times do you allow yourself to be vulnerable and open hearted. And again, I'm not saying go expose yourself emotionally, to people who are going to take advantage. But if you're gonna be authentically you, if you are in a place where you're not focusing on the crappy judgments, the control manipulation of others, then guess what, you can still be authentically open heartedly you.

You just need the tools to not receive the crap from other people. Right. So this is something I do for a living, I help people to be able to get those tools in place. But guess what many times people struggle and turn their crap on me. And so I've got to use those same tools. It doesn't stop me from being the vulnerable person. It doesn't stop me from being open hearted. In fact, if you've spent any time with me, you've probably recognized pretty quickly that I don't struggle heavily in being vulnerable. Why? I come across very confident. Why? Because I know the tools. I know how to use the tools, my heart is not to go people please like crazy. My heart is to help people get a better life. My heart is to help people to get through the struggles that I've experienced in life, and I've screwed myself up over with, right? So when you're in that place, you can still be authentically you. Well, what about all those people that try to dump their crap on you? Well, that is something I have to deal with. But the way I deal with it is through compassion, or understanding, right? So, if you're not able to be vulnerable, if you're not able to be open hearted, then you're not being your authentic self. How many times do you share your perspective, honestly, and in a healthy way? Star, circle, highlight the word healthy, right? We're not talking about you going out and just bluntly, telling your opinions and your ways and your things and all that. But instead, helping people with a honest, healthy perspective, right? Their hard times, again, this is what I do for a living people come to me come to our company, our team, to seek information to seek help to seek growth, right? There are times that I find myself in a conversation outside of a work setting. And I'm helping somebody and I had to stop myself and go, Hey, did this person even ask you for help? There are times I have to stop ago, I'm so sorry. Do you even want to know this information? And believe it or not, there have been two times and many years where somebody has gone now. And I'm like, Great, fantastic. Okay, let's shift the discussion somewhere else, right? Because my heart immediately goes, here's here's perspective, that I that I feel is a healthy perspective. That's to help you it's not for me, it's to help you. And you know what's great, while some people just don't want to hear it. So if we remove those times, and we talk about when you're having a good quality conversation with somebody, are you able to share your perspective, honestly, but definitely in a healthy way, not a destructive, controlling, manipulative way that brings you worth also, are you able to set boundaries and walk away from toxic situations, folks? This is one of the toughest things for most people listening to this show.

Being able to walk away from toxic situations. Now I know a lot of you out there are going oh my gosh, this is just so much conflict right now. Because you've been in them. You've been in those places where you are, you're not setting healthy boundaries, you have somebody who is stepping into your space. Somebody who is controlling or manipulative that is trying to convince you of all the bad things about you all the things that are wrong with you. Now, keep in mind, I am not talking about you, having done something wrong and claiming to be a victim. We are not talking about you being in victim mentality. Okay? So if you're doing something stupid, and somebody is pointing out that you're doing something stupid, well you don't get to be a victim to this right. You take responsibility. I'm talking about the times when people are Struggling themselves. And because they can't control themselves, they come to you to set your reality to highly suggest that there's problems with you struggles with you issues with you. And if you stop and you think through it, you can honestly say, I don't agree with this. And I don't think I think right now this person is projecting all this on me because it's something that they are experiencing. Those are more the situations I'm talking about, are you able to set boundaries in those situations? Are you able to set a boundary by walking away? That is something that I have had to do many times in my life, there are times I've had to actually stop right there with the person and say to them, I am so sorry. But right now, the way that you're responding the things that you're suggesting the accusations that you're making, the way that you're changing the words that I'm saying, whatever it is, is unhealthy. And I'm not willing to continue on with this conversation. So I have to stop this conversation. And I'm going to set a healthy boundary. And I'm going to move on, hopefully you understand that, and hopefully, you can appreciate that. It's amazing. Sometimes people are like, Yep, you're absolutely right, and they can recognize it. And then there are times I have watched people lose their minds, because they it's the first time somebody has put healthy boundaries in place with them. That stopped them from doing what they're doing. And they just can't figure out what to do. I've watched people not be able to come up with another word after that, because they're so dumbfounded that somebody actually stopped them and said, This is unhealthy. And I'm not willing to stay in this conversation. Now, you might not be able to have the strength to do that you might need to just walk away. But the more you actually practice setting healthy boundaries, then what you'll discover is that it's actually a lot easier than you think, to help somebody else recognize that they're being toxic, and you're not willing to stay in it. I'm not talking about you trying to convince them that they're toxic. I'm not talking about you trying to show them all the problems that they're experiencing, and all and tell them all the things they need to fix. I'm saying setting a healthy boundary by going this is not healthy for me. And I am removing myself from the situation, I hope you can appreciate it. Thank you very much. But I'm done with this conversation and move on. So these are all things that if you're able to do, then you're actually able to be more you're healthy, authentic you. And on a deeper level, this authenticity illuminates the way that you want to live your life, it also illuminates the way that you are living your life. And when people get to see that whether they're healthy, they're not so healthy, they're toxic, when people are able to see that authentic version of you, and you're able to stay strong in those moments, then something amazing happens for a decent number of those people, they actually stop and think to themselves, how are you able to do this? And how can I do it? How can I be this confident? Or how can I make those types of decisions. So when you put all these things together, what we know about self sabotage what we know about our authentic selves, then we can see that many times we can get in our own way when it comes to living our the best life that we can have, right? The being the best version of ourselves, when we are this surface level response person, when we are believing the lies that we tell ourselves when we are not being authentic, or not putting in healthy boundaries, when we are receiving toxicity in our lives than it's keeping us from living and being the best, most authentic version of ourselves. So when we come back, getting yourself unstuck, to be truly authentic, so stick around.

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I, like the YouTube song says, want to help you get out of your own way? Yes, no, I'm not gonna sing it for you. So here's what we're gonna do. If you're ready, then I want you to take this self assessment quiz. As I go through now, I've got these 10 self sabotaging assessment questions that I want you to walk through with me. And I'm going to make these available for download as well. But for now, just listen to the questions and see what surfaces, but you will be able to click on the information, the show notes, whatever in get the download so that you can actually walk through this again, but for right now, I want you to just kind of listen to this and ask yourself, What's my answer to it? So number one, how long have you been working on the same issues? So think of what struggles you may be experiencing? Maybe it's bad relationships, maybe it is victim mentality, procrastination, maybe you're feeling out of control? Maybe you're trying to control situations trying to control people, maybe it is total people pleasing, that you're constantly seeking approval from others or seeking to make people happy or or convincing yourself that other people's happiness is irresponsible, or whatever the thing is, whatever the issues are, that you're experiencing, how long have you been working on the same ones? Is it less than a year? Is it 1,2,3 years? Is it more than five years? Is it more than 10 years? Think about that? And honestly answer that. I think a lot of us that have any decent amount of age, are probably going to say that last one more than 10 years, there are things that I've been working on, right there struggles that I'm still not overcoming right. Number two, how often do you feel like you're projecting or pretending or being phony or being inauthentic now, everybody, everybody feels phony at times or inauthentic at times, or you're pretending or you're projecting? So maybe you spend a lot of energy trying to get people to perceive you in a specific way. Oh, my gosh, we see this all the time. And this was this was the first half of my life was trying to people please the daylights out of folks. So how often do you feel like you're doing that? Is it all the time? Is it occasionally is it rarely? Is it never? Number three? How often do you catch yourself feeling inadequate, not good enough unloved or on? Worthy? Is it all the time? Is it occasionally is it rarely? Is it never? Number four? If you're asked to do something that you don't really want to do? Are you more likely to say no with a clear conscience? Say no, but feel guilty about it? Say yes, but you don't follow through? Say yes, but later you regret it. Alright, so I think we've probably all experienced most of those. The stronger you get more authentic, you get, you're able to do the first one say no, with a clear conscience. But I think you know, we've all experienced the guilt. We've all experienced the I can't let this person down. So I'm going to say yes, but I'm probably not going to follow through with it. Or the saying yes. And having that regret of man, I really wish I wouldn't have said that. Number five, how willing are you to reveal what you're truly convicted of, even if it runs contrary to the opinions of others? Now, again, I'm not saying that you got to go out there and tell the world all your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, all that stuff. But when it comes up, or when it's questioned or when you're questioned, or when somebody is trying to set your reality or tell you the way things are, how willing are you to reveal what you're truly convicted of, especially if it runs contrary to their opinions, right? I always feel free to speak my convictions plainly. I sometimes withdraw and withhold my convictions, I often withdraw and withhold my convictions. I almost never, or never share my convictions. So again, we're not talking about you just going out and telling everybody your convictions. But when you're in those moments, how do you respond? Number six, how often do you keep your word and uphold your promises to yourself? And to others? Oh, my gosh, this is such a tough one, right? Because why do we make promises that we don't uphold? For the most part, I'm not saying all the time, but for the most part, there are many people who make promises because they're wanting to please the other person. Many times they have have a desire to fulfill that promise. Many times they think they're gonna fulfill that promise. But there are times that people make those promises and they know, I'm gonna walk away. I'm not gonna say anything. I'm not gonna do anything about this. But right now that person feels really good about themselves and really good about me. So I feel good about me. So, how often do you keep your word and uphold your promises to you and yourself into others, most of the time, about half the time, less than 25% of the time, less than 10% of the time. Number seven, in your life right now, your current major focus is advancing your career, improving health, building wealth, or deepening relationships, or making progress towards your goals over a reasonable period of time, or managing strained relationships or putting out fires at work and at home, or trying to avert or avoid immediate disaster in the area of your finances, relationships, health, or career. Number eight, after you've achieved a personal goal, your desired weight paid off credit cards organized, your home, your office, whatever it is, which of the following emotions are you more likely to experience motivated by your success and committed to keep up the good work? Relieved that you made it, but wary that you that you may slide back into old behaviors, entitled because you deserve a reward for all your hard work, or resentful that you had to work so hard in the first place? Number nine, how often do you catch yourself gossiping or complaining? This is a really, really, really, really difficult question. For people to be honest with themselves about. There are four I have literally watched people tell me or tell others. I'm a good person. I don't complain. I don't gossip, I don't do and yet they're the person that every single time you talk to them. They're complaining about somebody, they're gossiping about somebody, they're complaining about some situation, they're telling you how horrible life is. So if this is you, right, as I, as you go through this question with me, I want you to think about it. How often do you actually complain in a day? How often are you gossiping? Is that never is it less than an hour a day? Is it more than an hour a day is a more than three hours in a day? I am not kidding you. When I say I know people that multiple hours of every day, or almost every single day is spent complaining. So think hard. I mean, it's one of those things, I have to look at myself and go Gosh, how often do I complain? How much do I complain? How much do I gossip? Gosh, that is such a horrible thing to do. I have to take a look at myself all the time and go, dude, knock this crap off. Right? If I'm sitting there complaining about something, there's times out to catch myself and just go Shut up. Stop it. There's nothing good about this. There's nothing beneficial here. So knock it off. And number 10. Which of these statements would you use to describe your life? Most of the time, things work out fairly easily for me, or I have many talents and gifts, but I do not use them to their fullest potential. Or I'm overwhelmed by bad luck. And I find myself in one bad situation after another or after work hard just to maintain the status quo. And I can never get ahead, folks, all of these pieces that we're discussing today.

So what a lot of information, a lot of stuff. Hopefully you're able to weed through all of these things that we've discussed and take a hard look at when are you self sabotaging you? When are you not being your authentic self? When are you allowing things situations, your decisions to affect you your negative self talk your lies that you tell yourself when you allowing these things to affect you to sabotage your life as opposed to focusing on the healthier aspects, focusing on the right tools, focusing on healthy boundaries, focusing on being able to be authentically you, not the surface level version. Not believing the lies not living out the lies that you tell yourself or other people tell you as well. Okay, bonus question. How frequently do you feel mistreated, misunderstood or taken advantage of either in your personal life or your professional life? Is the answer everyday. Is it frequent Is it occasionally? Is it seldom to never? Now? I'm going to tell you, that's kind of a trick question here. And the reason why it's a trick question is, because if you often feel mistreated, misunderstood or taken advantage of, then you're in one of two situations. Either you are stuck in victim mentality, and everything is happening to you, and you do not have the ability to stop it. Or you truly are in a horrid situation. And you're not doing anything to fix it. It's one or the other. So it's, it's a trick question. If you find yourself feeling mistreated, misunderstood or taken advantage of, and you're not putting in healthy boundaries, and you're not putting in, you know, getting out getting yourself out of toxic situations, then you're choosing to stay there. Right? If it's all happening to you, then you're choosing victim mentality as though you're a victim to all situations and you can't do anything about it. So it's very important to think through, what is your answer, right? How often do you find yourself being a victim, instead of being strong, being healthy, putting in healthy boundaries, making healthy quality decisions? Well, we have got tons of material on our website that deals with victim mentality. Or maybe it's time to dive into our next level life event where we tackle all of these things, the self sabotage all this, the surface level responses, the lies, the authenticity, all the tools on how to make a stronger life and inter make stronger decisions in life. Maybe it's time for you to jump into next level life. Either way, we hope that all of this information that we're talking through is helping you today. We want you to take this information. We want you to change your leadership. We want you to change your business. We want you to change your life. And join us on the next episode.

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