594 | Face the Facts: Stop Avoiding Tough Conversations in Business – Part 1

Introduction (00:00:00)

On today's episode, we are tackling an issue that affects many leaders and businesses, and that is conflict avoidance. Now, conflict is inevitable in any organization, but avoiding it often leads to bigger problems down the line. That is coming up next.

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show, where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks.

I hope you're having a fabulous day wherever you are. Today we are discussing conflict avoidance. So as I say that, please don't turn off the show. Don't avoid this.

We need to talk through these things. We've got a lot of stuff. In fact, this is something that we, we spend a lot of time coaching leaders and business owners and team members through. So there's no way I'm getting this done in one episode.

This is going to be a series, at least a two part series that we're going to be working on to discuss a lot of stuff, a lot of options, a lot of things you can do, a lot of tips, examples, all that kind of fun stuff.

So, you know, get your pen and paper out, be ready to write down some stuff. Hopefully we will have maybe a download or two in this, in the show, notes of stuff that we are going to be discussing.

So the thing is, the key is, is that we have to recognize our own tendencies and we have to overcome those. Because as leaders, we can avoid tough conversations, we can avoid conflict.

But if we want to lead well, then we have to learn how to practice the skills that I'm going to talk about today. We have to learn how to build confidence. We have to learn how to reduce stress and create a healthier work environment. Right?

Because if we avoid conflict, if we avoid tough conversations, if we avoid, you know, holding people accountable, then what we are going to discover is, is that we are continuously creating an unhealthy work environment or other people are bringing in effects of unhealthy work environments, and it's taking place and taking root in ours.

And that's just not something that we can do. That's not something we can allow. Nobody wants to work in that environment.

So as we walk through this, you're going to learn practical steps for developing the tools you'll need to handle conflict effectively. And also lead your team with clarity and confidence, which is a big, big piece.

Understanding Your Own Conflict Avoidance Tendencies (00:02:50)

So first thing we need to do is we need to focus on understanding your own conflict avoidance tendencies. Now, you may already recognize some of those, and, you know, in your head, you're thinking through a few ways that you tend to avoid conflict.

That's good. Hopefully we're going to dig into every nook and cranny and find every way possible that you avoid conflict so that we can give you tools to overcome those things.

It's not about, if you've been with us for any decent amount of time, you realize it's not about beating you over the head because you're doing something wrong.

That's the whole reason why we have the business that we have is all the bajillion mistakes that I've made in my life and God guiding and directing and showing us how to overcome those things and then how to teach other people how to do the same thing.

So that's the key there. You shouldn't feel any judgment in this process. What you should feel is the opportunity for you to grow. That's our desire.

So let's dive into, you know, what could be some of your own tendencies.

The first thing is that we have to recognize the need to be self aware if we are not self aware. This is one of the things that I discover a lot in Next-Level Life events and StratPlan events and coaching people just in life.

Back in traditional ministry, when I was back in traditional ministry, back in the days, the thing that you discover a lot is that for a large portion of the population, self awareness is not a common thing.

A lot of people like to avoid understanding themselves. They like to avoid deeper dives into recognizing the tendencies that they do have.

Whether it's avoiding conflict or anything else, whether it's taking responsibility, whether it's, you know, working hard for a quality relationship, doesn't matter what it is.

Self awareness has to be a top priority in your life. You have to be in a place where you desire to know you, where you desire to understand you.

Because the sooner you get to that place, the sooner you can be more self reflective, the more introspective, the more focused on understanding and not feeling guilt and shame and judgment, but instead working on ways to overcome to solve.

So that's where you have to start. You have to start in this place of going, who am I? What are my tendencies? How do I deal with conflict? How do I not deal with conflict?

What does it look like for me to try and hold somebody accountable? Do I not do it? All of these pieces are things that you have to understand about you. Now, why would we tend to avoid conflict?

Well, I've got a few things that I think you may resonate with.

Desire for Harmony (00:05:52)

The first one for a lot of folks is this desire for harmony there is a lot of people who cannot stand conflict because of what it does to disrupt a sense of peace, to disrupt what they feel like is connections in relationships.

And I think we all can, can relate to that. I know as somebody, you know, I'm a highest in my personality style, and I can tell you that many times conflict.

I enjoy having a good connection in relationship and I hate it when conflict disrupts that, when conflict causes me to feel like I'm no longer as close with this person in this moment.

Now, there's a whole lot that comes behind that. We can do 14 other episodes on. You know how I got to a place of feeling that a lack of intimacy means a lack of relationship. But that's for a whole nother series, right?

And a lot of you have probably gotten to that same place the same way that I have with a lot of control and manipulation and narcissism. But that's not what we're talking about today.

A lot of folks prefer fostering positive, collaborative interactions where everybody feels that they have been heard, that they are respected, that they're not being demeaned, whatever it is that, you know, that everybody feels good.

You know, we'll talk through different personality styles here in a bit. But a lot of folks like that environment and conflict can absolutely affect that negatively.

Conflict can absolutely, in their mind, destroy that.

The crazy thing is, is that if there is reason for conflict, and again, I'm always going to say, let's try and have healthy conflict, because when you have healthy conflict, everything goes differently, right. Than unhealthy conflict.

I think that's, that's an obvious. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, tools and stuff to get to that healthy conflict. But understand that the conflict can be done in a healthy way and it doesn't affect your relationship connection.

It doesn't affect or disrupt your level of peace. Right. I mean, obviously it's going to have some effect on that for the short term, but with healthy conflict, what happens?

We can actually come together and agree on things and make better decisions.

You know, imagine the difference between the conflict you have with your spouse when it's just, you know, a battle to be right, can't be wrong, not giving in all that kind of stuff compared to the time that you have a, a conflict with your spouse and the spouse immediately goes, huh?

You're right. Absolutely. That's my bad. Yep. I take responsibility for that. My bad. Sorry. There's a world of difference. You can still stay very connected in the, the conflict where somebody's taken responsibility.

So as we go through this, we're going to kind of talk about, how do you set things up for this again, there's going to be so much information. You know, as I working through this, I'm like, this is going to be a ton.

Emotional Energy (00:09:17)

So what's another reason we can tend to avoid conflict? Well, a big one is emotional energy.

I know a lot of you feel like if you get in the midst of conflict, if you engage in conflict, that you are just going to be drained emotionally.

And that that toll is going to, you know, just wear you out with bad, you know, misunderstandings, bad communication, unresolved conflict, you know, unresolved issues, all kinds of junk, heated exchanges that you would just really rather steer clear of.

You know, especially if it's, if it's not going to lead to a productive outcome, then it's something you would much rather just stay clear from because you know it's going to drain you.

I think we've all experienced that as well. When you get in those unhealthy conflicts and. And by the time you're done, you're just like, yeah, I feel like I need a nap. This was just so overwhelming. That can happen a lot.

That can happen a ton. Especially if you don't know how to not only handle the conflict, but to either lead your way through it or lead your way out of it.

You know, that's another very important thing. What's another reason why we might avoid conflict?

Analytical Perspective (00:10:39)

Well, another reason is, is that I might take on kind of a reflective perspective, right. That I'm. I may seek to really try to understand both sides before reacting, hoping, you know, to find some level of common ground, right.

Or even a more peaceful resolution. The problem is, is that this often makes, um, confrontation feel unnecessary and not needed.

And it could be the very thing that you feel like you walk away going, see, I avoided the conflict, and yet it didn't solve the problem. We didn't get to resolution, right, because it's not getting to good quality facts.

I mean, it is trying to understand both sides, but unfortunately, many times that type of perspective can keep you from having a healthy conflict conversation that gets to resolution.

Long-term Focus (00:11:34)

Another reason would be long term focus. You know, a lot of folks look at conflict and they think that the consequences that are going to come in the long term just aren't worth it.

You know, it feels like, hey, it'd be better if I just avoid this conflict because, uh, in the. In the short term, it might be painful, but, gosh, those long term consequences are just going to be terrible.

Uh, I'd rather preserve the relationship and, you know, leave some space for, for, uh, maybe conversations, constructive conversations down the road.

I'm assuming that as I lay that out, many of you are going, yep. I convinced myself before that that would work, and obviously it does not.

Examples - DISC (00:12:22)

So what I want to kind of do is I want to go through just quickly the different personality styles, if, you know, obviously we use DISC personality styles.

It is such an easy version. There's great personality style profiles out there. But what we over, geez, I don't know, almost 30 years now, I've been doing this where I believe that DISC is the easiest way for you to implement something.

Have conversations about and understand large groups, right, with, with your family, with your team. And by the way, if you've not done this in your organization, get it done.

Go to chrislocurto.com go to the store and put DISC in place. Do the video with your team, get the DISC and values so that you actually can understand what motivates your team members as well. Get that done.

So we're going to kind of walk through some examples of what it looks like with the different personality styles. And, you know, we're gonna.

Because the truth is, is that conflict due to stress, due to fear, due to confrontation, can really affect the different personality styles in different ways.

High S (00:13:32)

So we're gonna start with the High S and why they avoid conflict. And so a major reason why High Ss avoid conflict is because, again, it disrupts that harmony.

There is such a desire to keep peace, which is great. That's fantastic. It's, it's, it's, it's honorable that you want to keep peace. I am a High S. I always want to keep peace. I hate when things get out of peace.

Right. I hate when things get confrontational. But I've. Over the years, I've, I've come to understand that it's not helpful. You know, a High S mindset is, you know, I'd really like to support other people.

I'd really like to, you know, maintain emotional stability inside of relationships, right.

That, that fear that if we do get into conflict, that it's going to end up with them feeling rejected, it's going to end up with them feeling guilty that they've upset other people, you know, that they've created this negative situation.

So really it becomes overwhelming for the High S. And they feel stressed, they feel tension. They feel that they need to remove themselves from the situation. Here's what I need you to know. High Ss, as an 88S myself, here's what you need to know.

I had to learn early on that by avoiding conflict, what I tended to do was create bigger conflict, because what a High S does is they shove it under the rug and they're like, if it could just go away.

This is where so many people feel that High Ss procrastinate, you know? So I'm not going to tackle that right now. Yeah, that's what they're doing, right? You shove it under the rug and you think you got rid of it.

Unfortunately, it's underneath there with the other 47 things that are going to come crashing down on you. So, yes, I understand your fear of conflict, your fear of discomfort.

Obviously, I understand your fear of rejection. You know, if I step in here and create conflict, what's going to happen? Well, I get it, but understand it's leading to bigger issues.

It is ensuring. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy that you're going to create conflict by trying to avoid conflict. Right. Because it's just going to grow and faster and it's going to become bigger.

High C (00:15:58)

So what about the high C?

High Cs tend to avoid conflict because they really prefer to have an unemotional discussion. And this is a very interesting thing with the High C. They really want a rational, unemotional, even problem-solving type of discussions.

And when emotions do run high, then they feel way out of their depth. And you will. This is where you will find that a High C becomes very emotional that they bec--

Now, a lot of high Cs would disagree with me on that. Right. So I've come to learn that sometimes it's all about definition with the High C, for me, what I would say is, is in those moments of conflict, the High C becomes out of control.

But a High C might say, I'm perfectly in control. You're not out of control. No. Are you frustrated? Absolutely. Because their version of control might be how they're handling the outside of themselves, but internally, emotions are running high.

Internally, they are struggling because they're uncomfortable, especially if they can't see a clear solution, a clear way out.

And so this creates a lot of, again, fear or even discomfort, because what they're telling themselves in this moment is this is just going to explode even more.

I'm going to be more, you know, frustrated or as I would say, out of control of not being able to handle this.

I don't see a clear way out. And so this is just now become something that's super unpredictable. I don't know how to handle it. Let me try to get away from this as fast as I possibly can.

Again, completely understandable according to the personality style. But what does that do for the high Cs?

By responding that way again, you're, you're creating a situation that is going to probably build instead of becoming diffused, trying to handle a potential conflict situation by staying unemotional, sticking to the facts only, which is desirable.

It's great, it's fantastic. But it's also probably going to be the thing that causes a lot of problems. It's probably also going to be thing that causes issues. Why?

Because you're probably dealing with somebody a different personality style that may not see it the same way that you do.

So avoiding this, trying to stay away from this type of, you know, predictable, unpredictable outcome, if you will, only is going to create bigger issues.

It's only going to create, again, almost another self fulfilling prophecy.

High I (00:18:43)

What about the High Is? High Is tend to avoid conflict because it really, really threatens the High Is need for approval as well as harmony when it comes to relationship.

So a High I is really a big time people person. And so conflict destroys relationship. It destroys approval. You know, if they are feeling like they have approval from somebody in a relationship and now they've got to bring up this conflict, what's that going to do?

Well, it's going to. In their minds, it's going to affect it greatly. This person is not going to like me. This person is not going to be happy with me. And it's my job to make this person happy.

And that's where I get a lot of my worth. Right. So that's a lot of High I belief system.

So they may try to avoid difficult conversations so that they don't hurt their relationship standings, so that they don't hurt the, the way that they appear socially to people.

So Is may fear losing popularity, they may fear losing approval. In fact, facing disapproval or even one of the worst things for High I is the feeling that they might be alienating others because they created this conflict.

So again, it becomes incredibly uncomfortable for the High I, especially in social situations, especially in relationship. You know, if they've got any type of decent relationship in their mind with this person, conflict may just destroy them.

High D (00:20:27)

So what about the High D? Most people think, most people think High Ds, they don't care.

They don't take- they eat conflict for breakfast.

Well, I'm going to tell you that's not always true. A lot of times High Ds can create a lot of conflict.

They can handle a lot of conflict. But you'll also find that a lot of High Ds don't like conflict if it doesn't get to the results that they're looking for.

You know, they tend to thrive in, in competitive environments. So they're usually, you'll find them more willing to engage in conflict.

But if it's not going to lead to the outcome that they want, then what you'll probably find is that a High D is going to back out of that conflict pretty quickly. They may see it as a waste of time.

They may see it as. As something that's just, you know, it's going to create a different type of conflict that they don't want to deal with.

So, yeah, if, if a High D believes that they can step into conflict and control it and it's going to be great and work in their favor, then, yeah, they're probably going to step up in that.

But when they choose to avoid it, it's usually going to be because they see this as something that's going to end up with an outcome that they don't want.

So Ss and Cs, you're going to see they're, they're more likely to avoid conflict due to the stress, the discomfort, the fear of rejection, the tension.

High Is, they're going to, you know, avoid conflict mainly because of that social harmony, because of the approval that they feel like they have.

And Ds are going to most likely avoid conflict if they feel like there's really no good value to it.

Example (00:22:08)

So an example of something like this, which I've experienced many times with leaders, leaders that I've worked with in the past, leaders that I've coached, business owners.

Let's take for example, you have a leader who is somebody who, you know, loves leading but hates conflict, has a great star champion team member who is doing an incredible job.

And this is what happens so many times, we can have a champion team member that we give so much leniency to. Now keep in mind what you've heard me talk about many times, you've got to protect your culture.

You cannot protect one person over the culture, no matter how great they are because what you will end up doing is tanking your culture. So you've got this leader who has a champion on their team.

They're doing an incredible job. Everybody thinks so. Everything's going great. And then all of a sudden, and this happens a lot of times with commissioned salespeople, but let's take somebody who's working on projects.

This person starts showing up late. They're showing up late, you know, a few days a week, and the team leader doesn't do anything about it.

And then that person continues and the team leader convinces themselves by, you know, sweeping it under the rug that surely this champion is going to.

They're going to right themselves. I mean, this is, this will be something. Yes, it's. It seems like a problem right now, but they're such a good person. They're such a good team member.

Surely they're going to take care of this on their own. They're going to fix this and the leader doesn't do anything about it.

Next thing you know, this champion is not only showing up later and later, but morale starts to drop in the team that this person works on, and we start seeing issues with a project that they're working on.

And eventually what happens is, is that that project, because this person is given leniency, there is, you know, the leader is not tackling the issue.

It ends up with a project that is late, it's over budget, the team is upset, morale has dropped, the clients upset, and now the leader is looking at themselves going, if I would have just handled this right, if I would have just.

Or maybe they're not even recognizing it, but the lack of handling it, the lack of getting in there and dealing with the confidence absolutely backfires. What happens?

Well, team morale plummets. There's a big loss of trust. I can promise you that. You know, team members are going to lose trust with this person, this. This champion.

Um, most likely the leader is going to lose trust with this person. We probably have some strained relationships. And again, like I say, thinking about this culturally, um, you know, what does the team feel like?

Well, you know, the leader didn't handle it. So apparently the leader doesn't care as much about us as they care about this champion person.

All in all, by the time they finally deal with it, with the person who's been showing up late and missing out and not getting things done, that person kind of feels blindsided.

Why? Because nobody has said anything. Yes, you would think, hey, it should be common. Get your butt here on time, show up on time, make sure that you're here, make sure that you're, you know, working well with the team.

But when a leader doesn't say anything for an incredibly long period of time, then the person who's creating the issue all of a sudden feels blindsided.

Well, why didn't you say this to me earlier right now? Does that happen? Yeah. You've probably experienced that at some point in your career.

You've probably experienced a time when you felt like, you know, somebody had greater privileges because- I hate to use that term

But that they did have greater privileges because they were delivering more, they were, you know, selling more, they were doing something really well for a period of time.

And so the leader was lenient. And then that leniency led into conflict, which led into greater conflict, which led into explosion. This is why it's important for us to jump on this kind of stuff early.

This is why it's important for us to handle this type of stuff early. So it doesn't get to this point.

Developing the Skill of Addressing Conflict (00:26:44)

So let's focus on developing the skill of addressing conflict.

You must understand that if you are going to resolve conflict, that it has to start with consistent practice.

No, I do not expect you to be perfect. I do not expect you to be great at this. I expect you to practice this. You should expect you to practice this.

All of you out there who are like, well, I heard Chris talk about it once, therefore I should be great at it. Nope, you have to practice. I almost said, you have to practice avoiding conflict. No, I don't want you--

You've been doing that for way too long. You have to practice resolving conflict. You have to practice having tough conversations. That's key.

So do not think that you're going to step into your first, you know, you decided conflict resolution. I'm going to tackle this thing today and I'm going to do it incredibly well.

You've got to practice this. And it's something that a lot of people struggle with, especially those with different personalities, different DISC personalities.

Right. So whether it's fear, discomfort or anxiety, no matter what it is, avoiding conflict isn't doing you or anybody else in this situation any favors.

But again, resolving it most likely might not happen overnight. It's going to take practice, it's going to take time. Well, but the conflict is real right now.

Yes. You've got to jump in. You've got to tackle it, do the best that you can and then sit back and evaluate the daylights out of this thing.

Building Emotional Muscle (00:28:27)

So first thing you have to do is focus on building, not everybody's going to like to hear this, but focus on building the emotional muscle. Yes, the emotional muscle.

Why everybody. No, nobody walks through, no matter how much you try to convince yourself, nobody walks through an entire conflict, only in the logical side of your brain.

There is way too many opportunities that are going to probably suck you into the emotional side. This is where the fear, the discomfort, the stress, all of those things, or even like to the High D side, caring more about winning in a.

In the conflict as competition. All of this is. None of that's logical. Every single personality style deals with the emotional side of conflict, and it's very emotionally uncomfortable.

So it's not natural for some personality styles like Ss and Cs to jump into confrontations.

But here's the deal. When you consistently engage in difficult conversations, then you start building emotional resilience. You become tougher. Right?

You, you learn that you can actually handle these types of situations. So for, like, let's take the S personality style.

So it might feel like you're absolutely rocking the boat, but if you just trust me, you're actually strengthening the relationship by not letting unresolved issues fester and blow up.

Like, take this. The previous situation. If you jump on the, hey, I'm. Help me to understand. I've noticed you've been showing up late early on. Hit that.

In that first week, then we don't have this huge blow up where we have to handle. Not only have you been shown up late, but you've affected the project, you've affected the client, you've affected the team. Productivity is down. Morale is down.

All you had to do was deal with the first thing they started doing wrong. The first thing, if you handle that early on, then guess what?

You're handling it at a level that is way more manageable. Building that emotional muscle works out so much better on the, you know, the. The lesser stress. I mean, it's the same thing as working out a physical muscle.

The last thing you want to do, if the best you can bench press is 125, is go in and start on 350.

It's not going to work. You're going to get your chest crushed. Right. So start on that small, you know, at the beginning of a confrontation, jump in.

And I will tell you, in my early career, I mean, gosh, I'm going back, man. Early nineties, I think, is when I really started to realize I keep avoiding confrontation and it keeps biting me in the butt. You've heard the term CYA.

I won't say what that means. Well, I'll use the PG version. Cover your. The CYB. Cover your butt. Right. Because I've had so many things come and bite me in the butt, and I just got really frustrated.

I was in my early twenties, and I was really frustrated, and I was like, I'm the problem. It's my fault. I keep not handling this stuff as soon as it comes in.

So here's. I made a decision one time. That's it. Every single conflict that comes my way. I'm going to jump on it as soon as it happens. Just, I mean, I buckled down and built myself up and I'm like, I'm going to handle all these.

Craziest thing in the world. You know what I discovered? They weren't that difficult. None of it was when I jumped on it early on, and I handled every single thing as soon as it walked in the door.

Whatever that conflict was, it was like nothing. It didn't create big conflict, it didn't create big issues. It didn't stress out relationships. It didn't do any of that. I just tackled things.

And then guess what? I did. Got on with the rest of my day. So I know it may not seem logical, you know, especially for C types.

I know you love the logical side of your brain, but sometimes you've got to get uncomfortable and get emotional to be able to handle the conflict.

It's a muscle that you've got to train. Now, I'm not saying you need to go be emotional. That's not what I'm saying at all.

What I'm saying is, is that if you will choose emotionally to tackle something early on, and you, you could even say that it's logical because it is, to an extent.

But if you will make the decision to jump in early on and then learn how to handle your emotions in the process, then you will be blown away at how you build that emotional muscle.

Seeing Conflict as Opportunity (00:33:20)

Number two, I know this is a tough one, but you've got to start seeing conflict as opportunity every single time.

What most people don't realize is conflict is not the enemy. In fact, it's an opportunity not only for you to grow, which is really our biggest focus right now, is how do we get us as individuals to grow.

But it's also a fantastic way of helping other people grow. Think about this.

Is it okay if the other person in the conflict, or other people, depending upon what the situation is, realize that the conflict is healthy and okay, that it's all right for us to be working through this?

That it's all right for us to be dealing with this? Yes. I will tell you, one of the things I absolutely love in my marriage is that my wife and I get over conflict within minutes.

I mean, minutes. It happens so fast that if something comes up and there's some level of conflict, one of us is going to use the tools that I'm talking about right now and put it in place and the other person's going to be like, oh, yep, you're right.

Okay, my bad. You know, whatever. But it's so fast for us to get over conflict that it's just crazy to think back to bigger conflicts that we've experienced in our relationships with family or friends or work stuff, whatever.

It's amazing when you realize that if you practice and utilize the tools and you look at these things as opportunities for growth, how fast it's going to grow, each person in the conflict, right.

It's going to strengthen communication, it's going to strengthen connections. And obviously it is, if done well, it's going to bring better solutions for everybody who's involved.

So when you avoid conflict, you know, you let the issues pile up. It's like again, sweeping it under the rug. It does not go away. It just builds up until someone tips the whole thing over or the whole thing falls down on top of you and then you're stuck again.

And you've got to reframe that conflict and start working all over again. But if you focus heavily on the opportunity, then you will discover how to get through conflict a heck of a lot faster.

Boosting Confidence in Communication (00:35:41)

Number three, you've got to work on boosting your confidence in the communication aspect of dealing with conflict. So you don't get better at handling conflict by not communicating.

You don't get better at handling conflict by, you know, shoving it under rug, sitting on the sidelines. You have to absolutely get in the game. You have to engage in tough conversations.

You have to become more confident by understanding how to communicate. So it's not going to feel good at first, but start small. Handle these things.

Handle conflicts when they're small, handle them when they're tiny and then build your way up. The other thing, now, I'm not saying allow the conflict to grow so that it's a bigger opportunity.

That's not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is, is that you're going to find bigger conflicts are going to come along.

If you've been practicing tackling those things early on, your communication is going to grow. You know, for you High Cs. You love to prepare. You love being ready, going into a discussion, a meeting or whatever.

Guess what? Use it to your advantage. Be open to the idea that not every conflict can be solved with facts and figures. Right? You got to be comfortable with the emotional side as well. Use that to your advantage.

Look at it as an opportunity to become better with your communication and become more confident with your communication. Right.

Learning to Listen and Empathize (00:37:12)

So fourth thing, you have to make sure that you're learning. You have to make sure that you're listening and for the love. You have to work your butt off to empathize.

You have to put yourself in their shoes. You have to understand where they're coming from.

The key to mastering conflict isn't just speaking your mind. That's never going to do it. We talk a lot in StratPlan about do you just want to make statements and give your opinions?

Because that means nothing. Right? In fact, you probably have heard me say this on the show. When you are selfishly focusing on you, you cannot possibly, you cannot possibly gain quality perspective.

Why? Because the only perspective you're focused on is yours.

That's it. Right. You have to develop a real skill, an active listening. Listening to what somebody's saying, trying to understand what they're saying, asking questions, digging in, empathizing, putting yourself in their shoes. Right.

So again, while it seems crazy, especially to business owners, this person who's been showing up late and then they're messing things up because they're being late, but then you hit them with it and you're calling them out and holding them accountable and they feel blindsided.

Well, how could you possibly feel blindsided? That's ridiculous.

Well, it is no more ridiculous than the fact that you convinced yourself that they were going to change, that you chose not to handle it and convinced yourself that they were going to change.

So think about it, right? Try to empathize. Why has this person been liked? Why has this person not fixed it?

Something that blows a lot of business owners and leaders away is the salesperson who is on commission and they're selling a ton.

And then all of a sudden, instead of working 8 hours a day, they're working 7 hours a day.

And it's like, no, no, no, you got to come in and show up on time, you know, and they're like, well, I get paid for a sell, so what does it matter? You know, if I show up and sell for 3 hours, isn't that okay? No, it's not okay. Well, why not?

Because part of you being a part of this business is you following this culture, right? So it's shocking that sometimes somebody, if you have not empathized, and so if you, as a business owner, can you put yourself in the shoes of the salesperson?

I can kind of understand why they're getting there. I can kind of understand why they're thinking this way. But here's the deal. If you can sell a lot in 4 hours, guess how much you could sell in 8 hours.

So get your butt in the seat, be here on time, and do your job, right? But you have to spend time understanding where they're coming from. You have to spend time listening.

I am in no way, shape or form saying that their excuses are going to validate things. I'm saying it may help you to understand why they're making decisions the way that they are.

The more that you will empathize, the more that you will listen, the more that you will practice these skills, the more that the stress levels will go way down.

And I can promise you, solutions come much faster.

Folks, if you've been listening to me for any length of time, then you know the number one issue, when it comes to business, when it comes to family, when it comes to friendships, is having a lack of high quality communication to make sure that you are absolutely winning in every aspect of your life.

It all starts with having great communication.

The best way to get that communication is to understand your personality style and to understand the personality style of the folks that you're spending the most time with, whether it be at work, whether it be at home.

The best way to do that is to go to chrislocurto.com/store and get your personality profile and personality profiles for your team today. Get it for your family members today.

As you go through that profile, you will begin to see the greatest ways to, to communicate.

Go to christlocurto.com/store today.

Facing Your Fears Head-On (00:41:36)

Moving on to number five, facing your fears head on.

Now we got to talk about fear. We got to dig into this. A big reason why we avoid conflict is because we're scared of rejection, we're scared of failure.

We might be afraid of how uncomfortable this whole thing is going to be. We might feel like we're going to be controlled, manipulated. There's so many different things that go through our minds.

But here's the deal. The only way that we're going to get past the fear is to face the fear. The more you engage in tough conversations, listen, you're in the role you're in because you're somebody who should be able to face things.

You should be able to face fear. You should be able to face confrontation. You should be able to face these things. But again, what are we talking about?

Practicing practicing facing fear. Right. Practicing facing these things. So the more you engage in tough conversations, the more you are absolutely going to realize, oh, my gosh, this thing wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

This thing wasn't as difficult as I thought it was. High Is. You're all about approval. Guess what? Being honest in conflict is going to build respect and show that you are real that you're not just there to please people. Right?

Because that's one of the things that I struggle with, is people pleasing. But when you face conflict, it actually communicates to other people. You're the real deal.

You're somebody who's not going to let conflict go.

You're somebody who's going to step up. And again, if you're handling it well, if you're walking through the things that we're talking about, then people are going to have more respect and approval for you because of the way that you handled the conflict.

I can tell you, as I say this, it comes to mind a leader I used to work with decades ago, that this person just struggled with having tough conversations.

And one time I'm like, let me sit in on one of your meetings. And so I sat in on this conversation that she was having with this team member, and by the time it was over, the team member got up and walked out the door.

And I looked at the leader and I said, how do you think that went? And she's like, I think that was great. I think they really understand, you know, where they are in this situation, that they need to make better decisions.

I said, that person has no clue that they just had a tough conversation. She's like, oh, yes, they do. And I'm like, call them back in. Just call them right back in.

That person came back in. I said, hey, question for you. What'd you think about that conversation? They're like, I thought it was great. That was fantastic. I go, did you know that you were in trouble?

They're like, no. The leader just buried their head. It was like you just handled this whole thing trying to avoid so much conflict that you just let a team member walk out of your office.

You think they got scolded. They think they just got, you know, complimented. You know, that everything's going well because they refused to face it correctly. Right.

So you got to make sure that you are practicing this stuff, that you're facing your fears and that you're addressing conflict. And by the way, she was a 99 I that's why that story just came back up in my head.

But you got to make sure that you are focusing on facing the conflict so you can actually strengthen the connections that you have with people.

If you handle it well, you don't. This is all personality styles. You don't beat the daylights out of the person that you're communicating with, but you handle it with dignity.

You treat them with dignity, you treat them with respect, then they will be able to handle the conflict and walk out going, okay, I appreciate that leader. I appreciate the way that they did that.

Consistency Breeds Confidence (00:45:29)

Number six, consistency always breeds confidence.

So here's the kicker. Consistency is key to all of this, to every single thing that I'm talking about. You do not get good at resolving conflict by avoiding conflict. You don't.

You don't develop the skill by doing it once, maybe doing it twice. So many people I've worked with over the decades get to this place where they're like, well, I told that person once they should be doing it right this time.

Why are you frustrated? Because they're not. Have you had another conversation? No, I told them once, okay, obviously it's not working. So you've got to make it a habit. You've got to practice it regularly.

You know, I'm not saying go look for problems. I'm not saying that. I'm saying, as something comes up, tackle it as it comes up, tackle it as it comes up, practice as it comes up, practice.

Right. If you start with the smaller issues, then you're going to build your confidence. You're going to, before you know it, you're going to be handling conflict and it's going to feel like second nature.

Let me remind you for the 4,000,000,000th time, I am an 88 S. I can go back to decades, you know, the early nineties where I just abso-stinkin'-lutely hated conflict. Didn't want to speak in front of anybody.

Didn't want to talk in front of anybody. I went from somebody who was scared to death to speak in public to somebody who was speaking on the stage in front of 10,000 people.

How is that possible? Because I learned what I was struggling with and I started tackling those things. Really. I started beating myself over the head.

Get over this, get over this, get over this. And the more that I did that and the more that I practiced this stuff, confidence just exploded in me.

So it's funny how people experience me. It's funny as 88 S. People will say, you know, man, when I first met you, you were intimidating. And I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate to hear that.

Gosh, I hate to hear that. But years ago, probably about 20 years ago, I started asking a question. What made me so intimidating? And I would say, well, first I would say, am I intimidating to you now?

Oh, no. Now that I know you, no, not at all. And I'm like, okay, what made me intimidating when you first met me? And for the longest time, people couldn't answer the question.

And finally one day I had another conversation with somebody and I said, hey, what made me intimidating? And she goes, you're really confident. And I was like, oh, that totally makes sense. She's like, yeah, you're just really confident.

And that was intimidating to me. And then I got to know you and I realized, oh, it doesn't, your confidence doesn't make you a jerk. It doesn't make you mean it. It just means that you're confident.

Guys, I had to get to that place by practicing. I had to get to a place where I could handle conflict, handle situations. Right? The more that I did, the more confident I became.

I don't like it. I don't, you know, I do. I lead some events where some leaders and business owners will come to me and they're like, man, we've got this horrible situation.

It's really heavy duty. We need your help. And I will help out. And it's total conflict. And I'm like, I hate the conflict, but I've gotten good at being able to help people.

I've gotten good at being able to, you know, help them work through the process and help them to ask the right questions.

Afterwards, I'm like, I just need to go sit on a couch somewhere. But the good thing is, is that because of the stuff that we teach and the things that I'm teaching you right now, it's built this confidence in me that's helped me to get to this place.

Am I perfect? Oh, gosh, no. Oh, gosh, no. A long way off, but, man, I'm a billion miles further down the road than I used to be, I can tell you that.

So the more you practice having tough conversations, the less you're going to fear them.

You're going to see the conflict not as something that's, uh, something to dread, but instead, you're going to see it as a tool for your personal growth.

You're going to see it as a tool for the other person's personal growth. You're going to see how it strengthens the relationships. You're going to see how it has way better outcomes than if you did not handle it, which is so vitally important.

Um, you know, all of these things, you're going to see that, uh, it becomes part of your everyday when something pops up your, the first thought in your mind, it may still be, oh, just wait, you know, just push that off.

Just whatever. But the next thoughts, probably going to just trounce that and say, nope, handle it right now. Get this done right now. So bottom line is start small, but stay consistent.

Face the tough conversations head on. And that's how you're going to beat conflict avoidance. Right. It's going to allow you to become stronger on the other side.

Using Effective Conversation Templates and Scripts (00:50:29)

So the next area I want to hit you with, and this is where I want you to go to the show notes. We're going to put a download in this because I just think this is important for you to have. I want you to have this.

I'm somebody who's big on, you know, writing down a template or a script that guides me through a conversation. Now, I will say I was huge on that in the early days as I was practicing this.

Nowadays what I do is I keep a list of the things that I want to hit and I make sure that we go over those things. I make sure that we don't get off track.

But in the early days, there were times I needed to write down a script or write down, you know, have sort of a template of how I wanted to handle things to help me practice getting through these tough conversations or difficult conversations, however you want to look at it.

So having templates, having scripts, this is an absolute game changer. When it comes to having a tough conversation. It's got to be clear.

You've got to understand what you're doing now, before you roll your eyes at me, hear me out. It's not about being robotic. It's not about being, you know, you know, rehearsing specific lines.

Oh, I've got to say these perfect lines. That is not what I'm talking about. It's about having a framework that keeps you focused, it keeps you intentional, it keeps you, most importantly, calm. Let me say that again.

When you have a quality template, when you have quality scripts, you know, again, this may sound silly, just hear me out. It allows you to stay calm when the conversation gets tough.

One of the things that I learned I could do really well is that if I had confidence in the things that I needed to talk through and the things that I needed to mention, then I didn't feel like I had to build myself up to battle somebody in this conflict.

Instead, I was able to just bring them right below. Let's talk about this here. Hey, help me to understand this here. Hey, I see that you're going over here, but you still haven't answered this question over here.

It helped me to stay calm instead of feeling like I had to battle. So, so here is a template that. And again, I want you to go to the show notes.

We should have this in there. For you so that you can utilize this yourself.

Clarity Leads to Confidence (00:52:52)

So the first thing is understanding that clarity leads to confidence. So when you have a clear template in front of you, it absolutely removes uncertainty.

You know exactly how you're going to approach the conversation, and I will tell you this, the more clarity that you have is going to lead to more confidence.

So a lot of conflict avoidance happens because we don't know what to say or how to say it.

But when you have a game plan, that hesitation fades away. So think about it. When you're navigating difficult conversations, you just don't wing it if you try to, which everybody has tried to think of, how many times it has jacked things up.

So if you have this map of where you're headed, and that's how I would always write down my notes, as I would put it in a way, to say, I'm going to hit this, then I'm going to go here.

Then if this person goes here, I'm going to go here. It literally helped me to have this roadmap of exactly where I was going. Right? So that's why a script or template is just so important.

It's a guide that helps you to navigate the emotional deflections, the emotional twists and turns that you find that are going to happen. You're probably already expecting it, that it's going to happen inside of.

Inside of a tough conversation. So I need to correct myself. I said I was going to give you, this isn't the template itself. This are parts of the template, the things that you need to know, and then I'm going to give you some better information.

Keeps You on Track (00:54:27)

So second thing is, is that when you have a template or a script, it keeps you on track. So one of the biggest reasons conversations go south is because they wander off course.

Emotions rise, you start talking in circles, the other person really starts talking in circles. Next thing you know, you're arguing about something that is absolutely irrelevant.

How many times, how many times have you been in a discussion, and then once the discussion is over with, you're like, we didn't even hit the things I wanted to talk about, and we ended up talking about things that didn't matter.

You know, because people are good at deflecting, people are good at misdirecting.

That happens a lot. If you are not somebody who has a solid template of where you're going to go, then you can't be surprised that you're arguing about something that has nothing to do with anything.

So this is great at helping you to stay on track. You're not bouncing from one topic to another. You're staying exactly where you are. And if it starts to go off course, you just keep bringing it back.

You keep addressing the core issue. You keep working towards a resolution of the things that you need to talk through. It doesn't mean that you're not empathizing.

It doesn't mean that you're not listening, but it makes sure that you're covering the things that you need to get covered so many times, it's just too hard for some people to stay on point, especially when emotions get heated.

But really, what I'm going to tell you is that over my decades, what I have come to learn and know is that it's really easy for somebody to deflect away from responsibility or accountability within seconds.

And then you find yourself just, you know, treading water trying to figure out what in the world are we talking about.

Promotes Active Listening (00:56:09)

Number three is, is that when you have a quality template or a quality script, it promotes active listening. Yes.

On your part. So it's not just about what you say. It's about making space for the other person to speak as well. And when you've got your script down, you've got all the things that you want to hit.

You know, you can come right back to the thing that you want to say. So when you follow that type of structure, it allows you the ability to just stop.

It allows you the ability to just pause and allow the other person to share their perspective. And what I would always do is, in between those areas, I would write down the things that they're saying that I think are important.

Right. Because I'm listening to what they're saying. And so I might be writing down things that are convincing me I didn't have all the information, or I might be writing down things that are going to be things that I'm going to bring up.

Oh, wow, you just said that. Okay, well, that just helped me to understand that what I'm asking you about is correct. You know, because you just pointed to this thing over here or you just threw this person under the bus, whatever it is, I just take notes.

I've even had, I've had team members going, what are you writing down? I'm like, I just wrote down what you said. Is that, is that okay? Is there something wrong with that? Oh, no, no, that's fine.

Okay, good, because I'm going to come back to that one. It also helps the other person to go, oh, crud, he is active listening to me. And so I have to be very cautious with what I say because I know he's going to call me out.

My team knew, you know, as I would hire somebody and they were brand new and if I we ran into conflict, they knew that I'm going to listen to what they say and I'm going to use that in this discussion so that I can get rid of the problem, so I can solve the problem.

So if they're going to misdirect or say something that's not accurate or throw somebody in the bus, I will be bringing it back up as a High S, as, you know, for High Cs, you as well.

Uh, this really is a great tool for you to hold people accountable without feeling horrible about yourself. Right? Because you're just, I'm just asking the question.

All you have to do is answer this. All you have to do is give me this information. So another great aspect of, you know, active listening is that it helps people feel like they've been heard.

You know, that's a great thing. When somebody is, is going through answering questions that I'm asking them and I'm listening even, I'm even writing down the things that they say they feel heard.

It helps because I'm engaging in a constructive way. So a template kind of helps you to stay mindful of what you need to talk about, but it also helps you to stay mindful of listening to what they are saying.

So you're not rushing through, you're not trying to get, you're not waiting for them to stop talking so you can, you know, have your rebuttals. You know, you're taking the time to truly hear what the other person has to say.

That is a fantastic way of diffusing tension.

Prepares You for Emotional Responses (00:59:10)

Number four, it prepares you, when you have a template or script, it prepares you for emotional responses. Now, we all know that tough conversations can get emotional, right?

We have to face that when emotions get high, logic tends to go right out the window unless you've prepared for it, unless you actually have anticipated. Now, what you've heard us say this.

We call it watching it like a movie. You know, watch it like it's a movie, right? How many times have you watched a movie? You're sitting on a couch, you're sitting in a movie theater, you're watching a movie and you're like, oh, this is what's going to happen next.

You're not getting emotionally involved, you're not getting emotionally handcuffed, you're not waiting for something so that you can inject a something from you.

You're watching it it's the same type of thing that you can do in these tough conversations.

If you're prepared, if you have a clear script, then you can anticipate when somebody's going to have an emotional response and you can stay grounded, you know, and this is one of the things that I would always do with the person coming in.

I would consider the person, you know, how do I, how much do I know them?

What do I know about their character? What do I know about their personality style? What do I know about their values? What do I know about these things, their motivators?

What do I know about these things that would tell me, when are they going to respond emotionally so I could prepare for it? I could even put a little star, hey, this question's probably going to set them off, and then I'm going to watch and listen to how they respond.

Many times what you'll hear me say is, don't even focus on the content of what they're saying. Focus on what they're doing. Are they throwing somebody under the bus?

Are they blaming you? Are they becoming a victim? So if you really focus on every word that they're saying, then you're going to respond to every word that they're saying.

But if you've scripted this out and you know exactly what you're able to do in this moment, you can, you can just sit back, watch it like a movie.

Then you can start looking at what they're doing on top of what they're saying. Many times what they're saying is a waste of time for you to engage on because they're going to throw something out there that's just going to get you arguing with them.

But if you can see what they're doing and how upset they're getting and how emotionally they're responding, then you can actually tackle that piece.

Instead of you getting upset, instead of you getting frustrated, instead of you getting defensive, what happens is you're able to go, hey, help me to understand what you just mentioned.

Brenda over here. What does Brenda have anything to do with this question I just asked you? Well, because, you know, well, she was doing this thing over there. You're talking about me doing this, but what about when she did this?

I'm so sorry. I'm not asking you about Brenda. I'm asking you about you. Well, yeah, but she did this thing. That's great. I will work on Brenda later. We're talking about you right now.

And it allows you to really tackle the thing that they're doing as opposed to the content of what they're saying.

So when you have a good script and if you've already rehearsed it, if you've already worked through this and you kind of understand the person and how they're going to respond, you get to stay calm, you get to not get emotional, you get to not get tripped up, defensive, all that kind of stuff.

Ensures You Address Key Points (01:02:41)

Number five, a good template, a good script, ensures that you're going to address key points. So another great reason is that there are things that you need to hit and you need to make sure you hit all of those points.

A big mistake many people make. And I will say High Is and High Ds, you guys tend to, especially High Is, you tend to make this mistake. Oh, going to remember everything I need to talk to them about.

No, you will not. Not only will you not remember it, but the moment they respond emotionally, your whole list is now trashed. It's gone because your brain has shifted into defense mode.

Your brain has shifted into handling the situation in an emotional state. So if you can keep this list down of all the important key points that you need to hit, then guess what? We're not going to skirt around this stuff.

We're going to hit these things, we're going to talk about them, we're going to dive deep into them, we're going to deal with these things because they need to be addressed.

So on top of this, personality style wise, High Ss, a script like this helps you to stay brave when it comes to addressing conflict instead of avoiding it because you, you've got it written down.

I've got to hit this thing sees you're going to love this because it helps you prepare to, it's logical, it's organized right.

It's not leaving anything unclear. So important thing is making sure that you hit every key point.

Fosters Constructive Outcomes (01:04:13)

Number six, it's going to foster constructive outcomes.

So here's the best part. When you follow a clear template or script, you're way more likely to come out with a positive outcome. You set a tone, you've managed emotions. Hopefully you've done that decently well.

You've listened, you've addressed the key issues and you've not allowed this conversation to just, you know, blow out of control, get well deflected and misdirected into other areas that you didn't need to.

Both you, the, the person or people, both sides feel like they've been heard. You've handled it with respect. Hopefully they've handled it with respect.

So it's not about controlling the other person, it's about controlling your approach. It's about, you know, helping you to lead the conversation in a right way, a productive way, obviously, not a destructive way.

And that is how you turn tough conversations. Difficult conversations conflict conversations into growth, into clarity, into resolution.

So bottom line is this, when you use a template, when you use a script, then you will be more confident, you will grow in your confidence, you will grow in your ability to have tough conversations, you will grow in your ability to be clear, create clarity.

All of this is going to help you to have a much better conversation than you've had. So I told you I was going to give you a template for handling hard conversations.

So this is your go to framework, go to the notes. We should have this in there for you to be able. And this is just a template. Again, you can make any adjustments.

Neutral Observation (01:06:03)

The first thing I want you to do is I want you to start with a neutral type of observation. So here's how we, we kick things off. We start neutral. We don't go into a conversation upset, we don't go into a conversation knowing all the information.

We go into it setting the tone from the beginning. Right? You're not coming into it hot, you're not coming into it blaming somebody. You're not coming into it judgmental. You know?

You're not coming into it defensive either. Right? So we're starting with an objective, neutral observation of the situation. This is what's going to help the other person to avoid getting defensive. Because if. Think about if you come in and I.

And the first thing you do is blame them. We've all experienced that. That person, I can think back to a leader I had, geez, so long ago, bust up him off, and he's like, why'd you do this thing over here?

And I'm like, I didn't. Do you want to ask any questions other than blaming me? You know, the question of why did you do this? Wasn't actually a real question.

It was a statement. Right. It's a, you did this thing. Tell me why you did it. Like, do you want to ask any questions on. On whether or not I was even involved with that? Well, were you?

No. All right. And then they take off, and it's like, geez Louise, you just blow up in here, lose your mind, and then not even take responsibility of, oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I should have gained some perspective, right?

So here's kind of a script that you can use. So sitting down with this person. Hey, I've noticed that, you know, describe the situation, whatever the situation is.

Hey, I noticed that you've been showing up late lately. I've noticed that you haven't turned in your weekly report. I've noticed that you haven't updated whatever the thing is. Updated this project, whatever it is.

Hey, I've noticed that this situation. So, you know, I have noticed that over the past couple of weeks, the deadlines for our projects have been getting pushback.

Or another one is, hey, I've observed that during meetings, there's been some tension in the way that. That we've been communicating.

So do you see what I've done there?

There's no blaming, there's no finger pointing. It's just facts at this point, right?

It's important to stick to what you can observe. You know, you hear me say all the time, help me to understand, right?

Help me to understand why in some of our meetings, there's been some tension in the way that we've been communicating. But in this specific situation, being able to say that I've observed this means that I'm nothing blaming.

I'm not finger pointing. I'm merely just stating a fact.

This has happened, right? You've seen it. You've experienced it. These are not assumptions or interpretations, right? It's not about those things. It's about saying, I've observed this happening.

So it allows you to dig right into the thing that you've observed. You've not blamed them. You've just stated the facts of number two is, express your concern.

Express Concern (01:09:06)

So after making that neutral observation, it's time to express your concern. So this is where you share how it's impacting you or the team, but you're doing it in a common, respectful way.

Right. The key is to own your feelings and explain why it matters. This makes it personal without making it an attack. Does that make sense?

The more that you can do this, you've not finger pointed, you've not blamed, you've stated what you've experienced. You've stated what you've observed, and now you get to actually express some concern about it.

So here's a script that you can use on that.

So something you could say is, hey, I'm concerned because, and then, you know, fill in how it's affecting you or how it's affecting the situation.

So, an example that could be, hey, I'm concerned because these delays are starting to affect our client relationships, and I want to make sure we're all on the same page moving forward.

Or you could say, I'm concerned because I feel like the tension is affecting our ability to collaborate effectively.

So now what you're doing here is that you're opening the door for a real conversation. You're being honest, but you're not coming off as confrontational. I'm concerned because. Right.

It's taking a lot of that confrontation out. You're being honest. Um, you know, you're. You're sharing why it matters. And these are our key aspects of getting somebody else to engage.

There's a world of difference in saying, hey, I'm concerned because this thing is happening, then going, well, if you keep doing what you're doing, then this is what's going to happen.

Right. It changes the way that the other person experiences the conversation and allows them to engage more freely. Instead of feeling like they've got to throw somebody in the bus or they got a misdirect or they've got to, you know, in some situations, lie.

Open-Ended Question (01:10:59)

Whatever it is, next thing you can do is that you can ask open ended questions. Now, this is where you invite them into the conversation.

A lot of times, people don't think to do this. They don't think to ask open ended questions. It's huge. Why? Because it gives the other person the space to share their perspective. Right.

Remember, this is something that you really want to understand. You want to lean in their direction. You want to actively listen. You know, you want to hear what they have to say. You want to empathize.

It's not just a place for them to, you know, complain and dump and all that kind of junk. It's what you're looking for is the ability to understand where they're coming from.

So here's a script you could use. Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Can you share what's been going on from your side so it's completely open? They can fill in whatever information they want to.

Again, they don't feel confrontational. Or another thing you can use, another script you can use is, hey, what are your thoughts on how we've been handling things recently?

Another great opportunity. When you ask these kind of questions, you're not only showing that you care about their perspective, but you're also kind of creating that dialogue. It's now we're discussing this thing. We. It's not just you. It's not just a monologue.

It's not you dictating to them. You know, what you. What you're seeing, what you're experiencing, what you're feeling, what your thoughts are. Now we're collaborating. Now we're discussing it together.

This is, this is allowing them to be part of the conversation and not just be in a defense posture wedding to, you know, defend themselves against anything that you said.

Collaborate on Solutions (01:12:38)

Now, a fourth thing you can do is collaborate on the solutions.

Right? So now we get to the good stuff where we're working together to come up with solutions. So the goal here is to focus on moving forward, to solve the problem.

We've got to solve the problem. So it's not about staying stuck in the problem. It's not about, you know, battling over who's right, who's wrong, but instead, it's about creating a plan that works for both of you, right, or for the team or for the project or whatever's going on.

So what you do is you don't just throw out your ideas. You ask for theirs. Tax the collective intelligence, ask them what they've got, ask them to come up with something.

Ask, you know, even allow for you to be able to speak into, you know, if you. If you have any questions for me, but kind of here's some scripts that you can use. So what do you think we could do differently to address this?

Or something else you can say is, how do you think we can improve moving forward? Now, once you've done this and they've shared their thoughts, you get to offer yours, right?

You get to jump in and say, I think we can try. You know, this thing of your idea, whatever the suggestion that you had, what do you think? I.

So what you're doing is, is that you're showing them that they are part of this with you, that you're treating them with dignity, you're treating them with respect.

They get to be a part of the solution. They're not just there to be blamed for something which you haven't done. If you've handled this correctly, you know, they're not there to be blamed.

They're not there to be thrown into the bus. They're not there to get their heads ripped off. But instead, you've had a really good conversation trying to understand where they're coming from, and now we're moving into this section of moving forward.

How do we fix it? How do we solve the problem? When people feel like they're a part of the solution, there is way more chance that they're going to have buy in.

There's a much greater chance that they're going to actually take ownership. I know it's a tough one to believe, but they just might take ownership and make this thing happen. Next thing you can do is agree on next steps.

So this is sealing the deal. Folks, once you've discussed solutions, once you've, you know, you can make sure that both sides are clear on what's going to happen next.

Do not leave without making sure that everybody is clear on what the next steps are. This is something that people make, that people make this mistake all the time.

You feel like you had a really good conversation, you feel like you communicated, you even discussed solutions, and then you end it and you walk out and that person has no clue what they're supposed to do.

And then you are coming around three weeks later going, how come you haven't done this thing? Well, I didn't know that I was supposed to do that. We talked about it in the meeting.

Yeah, but you didn't say that I was going to do that. It's just crazy, crazy, ridiculous waste of time creating more conflict. So instead, here's some scripts that you can use. All right, so let's agree on the next steps.

I'll do. And, you know, you take responsibility for whatever actions that you're going to do and then you'll do and you line out the things that they're going to do. How does this sound?

By asking them, how does this sound? It gives them the ability to process through. So, for example, so I'll make sure we have clear timelines for the next project and you'll check in with the team about their availability.

Does that work for you? Another thing you can say is, hey, let's both commit to addressing any tension in the moment during meetings. And I, I'll make an effort to bring up issues sooner.

Does that sound good? So what you're doing is by agreeing on these next steps, you're not just talking, you're literally making a plan. And this keeps things actionable, it keeps things, you know, you can put accountability to this.

You can put follow through on this. This really helps you to not only solve the problem, but then put in a fantastic future process that has accountability.

Now a big part of that accountability is going to be follow up. So the final step is, is that, you know, and this, people overlook this all the time, is that you have to follow up.

If you tell somebody to do something, even if you agree with them on what's supposed to happen, but you don't come back and check in and see how things are going, then you cannot be surprised that it fails.

So by putting in follow up, it shows that you're serious about the solution. It shows that you're invested in making it work. So here's some scripts that you can use.

Hey, I just wanted to follow up on our conversation from last week. How are things going on your end? Or. Hey, I've noticed some great progress since we talked. How are you feeling about the changes? So complimenting them is a good idea.

You know, giving, helping them to see that they're doing something right really helps them to stay engaged, and it also helps them to give quality information back to you.

This shows that you're willing to hold them accountable, but it also shows that you're going to continue to treat them with dignity. So there you have it. Simple, effective template for tackling conversations. You know, remember, the goal isn't to win in the conversation.

The goal is to connect. It's to work together. It's to create solution. It's to move forward. Let's discover why this happened in the first place.

What are the problems and how did we get here? You know, it's. It's to express your concerns. It's about making sure that we don't, uh, you know, go off the wrong directions. It's, you know, rabbit holes into all these different areas that had nothing to do with this.

It's about coming together, tackling the issues, and putting together a fantastic process that is going to make it successful. Whoo. All right.

Uh, that is the first episode. So much information, a lot of great stuff here.

I believe that is going to help you to not avoid conflict and to help you to really set yourself up for success and your team as well, your leaders as well, by learning how to tackle these situations and get to them early and solve things without fear and solve things without avoidance.

So that is all the time that we've got for today. Come back next week and we're going to be talking about more of how to solve and overcome avoiding conflict.

So, folks, as always, we want you to take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life, and join us on the next episode.